Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I posted in a differnet forum but I think i may get more help from ladies who know what it is like.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I know that making him leave wouldnt help him because his mother is an alcoholic as well. I would say 5 out of 7 days he is asleep and cannot be woken up when i get home. I get upset because he will not help with any of the housework and he blames it on being tired from work but i know is because he's drunk. I can't do everything and take care of him too. He believes that because he is making more money and paying the majority of the bills that i have no right to complain about anything. I should just do the cleaning and the cooking without a word. I feel like the only reason we aren't married is because he's too drunk to make it happen. He completely neglects our relationship. The first thing in the morning before work he drinks a beer with a very high alcohol percentage. When he gets home from work the first thing he does is crack open a beer. If i even ask him to do anything or go anywhere with me he freaks out about needing to relax. Im expected to do it on my own on my way home. He will only go to the store for beer. I know i enable him sometimes but if i dont he will scream at me until i take him to the store or go to the store because he clearly cant drive himself. Without him i would lose everything. When he is sober he is amazing when hes drunk hes mean. He calls me every name in the book and when i bring it up when hes sober he says he doesn't know why he says those things and that he doesnt mean them. He keeps talking about having a baby and saying that he will stop drinking when i get pregnant but i dont believe him. He has never hit me but im afraid of him when hes drunk. He has grabbed my neck twice and throws things at me and threatens to break my things. He has ruined anniversaries and my birthdays and he sees nothing wrong with it. He has even got us kicked out of venues before the event has even started, not to mention openly hitting on other women in front of me. We started dating right before i turned 20 and i thought he was just in a party stage. I dont know what to do anymore and i fear i cant live without uim.
You are stronger than you think, don't sell yourself short. If you stay just don't lose who you are. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him. I'm not sure how long you've been together but grabbing you and throwing things at you scares me. If this escalates you need to get help. Remember there is no shame in it for you, you aren't the one with the problem.
I'm sending hugs and prayers, I know how alone you feel. I hope it helps to know that you really aren't.
I don't think you should rely on having a baby to fix the issue and maybe tell him that he needs to resolve the issue first before you two can take on the responsibility of s child... You should
I posted a comment on the other forum you mentioned. I just wanted to say "hi", here. Your ABF doesn't sound very respectful to me, to be hitting on other women, calling you names, threatening you by throwing things at you and putting his hands on your neck. You said you fear you cannot live without him. I believe you are strong. You were strong enough to reach out, here. I believe you could live without him. It would be painful at first, but I think you could do it. And I think you could find greater happiness without him than you've found with him. A crazy thing happens to us. We become as addicted to them, as they are to alcohol.
When a relationship falls into the dangerous category, with domestic violence, it becomes imperative to save yourself and get out of the relationship. And feeling practically addicted to them, the As, this feels like the hardest ting we've ever had to do. But it is something you could do (with God's help and comfort), and perhaps the only thing that might motivate him to get help. He needs anger management work, as well as rehab. When you continue with same old/same old, he has no incentive to do any of that hard work.
Counseling, al-anon, support forums like this one will help you see his addiction more clearly. And those things will also help you to make those small changes, en route to larger changes, that may cause him t change, too. Do you have an al-anon group in your area? Churches often sponsor them. there's also a program called Celebrate Recovery. It's for addicts of all kinds and the people affected by the addiction/alcoholism. This is a faith-based program, also found at some churches. You can go online to the various churches in your area, and look up their calendar to see which ones have an al-anon meeting. You can also go to: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, and search by area.
Do you have medical insurance? Medical insurance usually covers counseling for family members of addiction/alcoholism. The copay is often low. This is a good first step, if you don't want to go to an al-anon meeting right away. It's what I'll be doing beginning this Friday. I kind of suspect my therapist will encourage me to attend al-anon, as well. And maybe having her push me in that direction will get me in the door. I have no idea why we become so reluctant to go for counseling or groups, but this seems to be a common fear/reaction for many of us, as codependents.
Have you read Codependent No More? your local library should have a copy. It's good, and will open your eyes. Also, Why Does He Do That (by Lundy Bancroft) is a good book for spouses/GFs of abusers. My AH isn't particularly physically abusive, but I still found that book helpful in understanding the passive-aggressive stuff, the name-calling and the financial abuse.
Whenever something comes up, post about it here. You'll find that we all understand and have the same thing going on in our own lives. That alone saved my sanity. Sending hugs and prayers.