Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Hello, New here

sandyelaine
sandyelaine
Hello,
I'm new to this group I guess I joined up to get some things off my chest.My husband just got out of detox a week ago. and the week before that he went on a HUGE bender and missed a week of work that's nothing new.However I tried to stay away from him not caring what he did. By the time the week ended he was pissing his pants and shitting on my bathroom floor. and had no Idea what he was doing. I still said nothing to him and let him fall on his face and clean him self up. I did however take him to the store cause he would have taken my truck drunk and I need it for work or I would lose my job, and that just ant happening. Well he came home drank his beer and shit on him self on more time as he was cleaning him self up he was crying that he needed help wanted detox and would I please call, would not leave me alone. Now all this before I gotta go to work ( i work 3rd) so I get up from the couch were I was watching my TV show and called the detox place couldn't get him in till the morning. I did tell him that couldn't remember what I told him for more that 5 minutes and kept on me.
well I got home from work and took him to the detox place and by that time I was tired I didn't sleep for like 18 hours between work and him, all I wanted to do was fall into bed. Well guess what I couldn't sleep in the bed cause he had pissed in it all night, I had to sleep in my daughters bed. OK so now the guys in detox thought I would get a little peace (silly me) calls me up and says he got discharged well stupid me I fell for it. I get there and knock on the sub acute door and the nurse informs me he was not discharged and it would be against medical advice and insurance would not pay for it. Well I lost it right there I started to scream at him right in front of every one yeah I get to look like the ass once again the fool ( never again ). Needless to say he stayed I told him the bill was in his name and I would not be paying for it if he left. So now he's home it's been week and things are supposed to be hunky dory right just supposed to forgive and forget? he's got he AA Attitude were "I'm going to meetings you can't be mad at me anymore I"m sick" so deal with it. WRONG.,. Since when is OK to hurt some one put them through hell and just get away with it Yes I'm angry just because I'm married to the guy doesn't mean he get's to treat me any way he wants any sane person would have kicked his ass. I got no Thank you for helping me no sorry I put you through this nothing . I tried Alanon what a joke powerless over something that you have to make a conscious choice to go to the store and buy. bull. if you are powerless over an inanimate object and make a choice to buy ask for it then you made your choice I will not say that I am a powerless person, and nether is he he makes a choice every time he stops at a party store. I no longer feel sorry for him I no longer nag hound him to go to his meetings I do not care and I have made myself very clear I will no longer stay with him that is also a choice he needs to make I have a life and I'm to old to play games with him and to young waist any more of my precious time.
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful
Welcome. You will find lots of support here from people in different stages and approaches to dealing with alcoholism.

I attend alanon and it has helped me a lot. For me learning the concept of powerlessness was really intensely liberating. I had been trying to control everything and getting nowhere. The idea that I was powerless relieved me of the fight and that was liberating.

I agree that alanon is not right for everyone at all times in our lives. You may find that one day it is right for you. It may never be right.
sandyelaine
sandyelaine
Thanks for the welcome, I know that I was a little harsh It's just the way I feel. I did agree to go to 1 alanom meeting. I really don't think it will help I'm tired and he's already backsliding, I've had 24 years of this and sick of the crap
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sandyelaine-I can feel your pain, and frustration! Welcome to this sight. I enjoy reading and getting some ideas from others that have been there and more. I too, am married to an alcoholic. I had moved away for 6 years-first to attend nursing school, then to work. I moved back home last January-and believed that he would remain sober until the end of time-boy was I wrong. I am also at the place where I do not nag, hound or bug him. I do tell him however that there is not enough room in his life for both the alcohol and me. I hate the excuse that he's worked hard and should be allowed to have his booze. We have been together for 23 yrs-and am tired of the back and forth crap. Stay strong! Feel free to vent.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sandyelaine--when we attend Alanon for us instead of them, the results are much better. Alanon saved my sanity and possibly my life in 1988. Whether or not you agree the alcoholic is powerless over alcohol, surely you must admit you have been powerless over the alcoholic. The evidence speaks for itself.

Of course you may ultimately decide to leave the alcoholic but even if you do, there are unresolved issues that you will take with you.Alanon can help you to resolve them for your own serenity so that you can move on with your life in the best possible way. I always recommend at least 6 meetings before making up your mind. If, after 6 meetings, you still think Alanon is bull, well at least you gave it a fair shot, right? Good luck to you.
sandyelaine
sandyelaine
Sure I have been powerless over him, I still think its a choice that you make and I'm not a powerless person and he's a big boy he's suppost to make his own choices in life he was suppose to take care of me he was suppose to be a good father he had told me that he would do that before we got married thats why I married him and he broke all his promises I waited 24 years for hiim to come around and I'm not waiting anymore I'm to young and still have a lot of life left the only reason I havent left him yet is cause we have to meany things in both our names and its not easy to get that stuff straightend out. Also I told him last chance and did agree to the 1 alanon meeting, I know he is backsliding so he already is making his choice right.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Whether alcoholism is a choice or a disease is really not important. It is your life that is important. Leaving him will only solve one problem, but it will not solve the other problems that he leaves behind. Living with an alcoholic for several years is damaging for everyone involved. Alanon can help you to heal from that, regardless of what he does or does not do. Alanon is not for him, it is for you. The people you meet there can support you as you "straighten out the stuff" required for you to leave. If you do not want to join a group, perhaps reading literature or participating in this forum will help. Doing this alone is really tough.
Good luck.
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful
Speaking only of myself....I ended the marriage THEN I got involved in alanon when I realised the extent of my own problems and had hit my own rock bottom. Alanon has worked miracles in my life and helped me shed old habits that really just needed to become extinct. Miracles are constantly happening and I am grateful for the chance to learn to be whole.
deleted_user
deleted_user
wow you sound as angry as i am!! my huband mom tells me im so mean and dealing with it wrong. well he made his bed and he has to lie in it, right? im tired of also cleaning up the mess he makes. his mom has done it for years. hes an adult so should act like one. he just got a dui and hes drinking again. he tells me its all my fault and i push him to drink. im glad to hear someone is as angry as i am!!
peggsu2
peggsu2
Anger serves you well, to a point. Then you have to look at yourself and why you were willing to put up with this kind of BS to begin with!
In my situation it was a combination of my alcoholic dad and low self-esteem. It's taken me many years, but I have finally learned to take care of myself first and other's after that!
Al-anon is good, if you find a group that you can relate to. I tried several different sites, even online sessions...it's like anything else, you take what you can use from the meetings.
Good luck to you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Anger is the first step toward healing. Be angry, feel it, but do not drop anchor there. It is not a good place to live. Keep moving toward health. Alanon can help. Literature can help. This forum can help, but ultimately you must make a decision to move toward your own health and recovery which can happen with, or without, the alcoholic in your life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Anger is the first step toward healing. Be angry, feel it, but do not drop anchor there. It is not a good place to live. Keep moving toward health. Alanon can help. Literature can help. This forum can help, but ultimately you must make a decision to move toward your own health and recovery which can happen with, or without, the alcoholic in your life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It was my third try before I accepted al-anon because you see initially I thought "I don't have a problem, he does." Someone said in an earlier post is we have to look at ourselves and why we stayed and why we got involved with an alcoholic in the first place. It's true, we do need to look at ourselves and heal ourselves. Just like the alcoholic has to heal himself. It's only our job to take care of ourself, not anyone else. But maybe you'll go back when you're ready, in the mean time, stay on this site, read some books on alcoholism and pray. Good luck to you!