It looks like none of us would have wished our pain on our loved one. My husband and my daughters used to say that, Daddy has to go first, because he would be so lost with out me that they would have no parent at all. I know it is difficult, but we have to trust God's time. Only God knows when our time is. I do not like His timing at the moment, but will accept it out of faith.

My mother and I discussed this many times over the years. We both knew that our spouses would have to go first, for if not, they would not survive, or survive as well as we could.

My husband and I could not fathom walking this earth without the other, but I can deal with it better than he would have been able to. Dick would have gone on a path of destruction, I'm sure. Either spending too much time at our local Elks, or stopping at one of the pubs. And he would have started smoking again. I really don't believe he would have survived well, if at all, without me.

It still sucks, but I can do this. I wouldn't want to be the one sitting in heaven watching my husband in constant pain and destroying himself. I know it would speed up the process of being with me, but the heartache would be unbearable for me to watch.

I want nothing more than to have my husband here with me, but he can rest comfortably in heaven knowing that I am making the best of my life until I can be rejoined with him.

This is perplexing. My husband was only 57 and was about to have a grandchild born who was named after him. So that is hard to understand. Here is what I think; and may well be wrong. James' family had a terrible heart history. He told me before we got married that he might die in his forties like several uncles. So I guess we had more time thatn expected in a way. I believe he still lives in another dimension or world and he can see his grandchildren and his children and me and that God helps me get through the long days and nights without him. I think I always did more around the house because I didn't work as much as he did. I need to grow spiritually some more. There are people here on earth that need me in certain ways. James was a very spiritual person; he was kind, humble and simple. I just need to grow more and I can be of help to others. It really doesn't explain things but it is the best I have right now. I also do a better job taking care of myself. I think if died James would have isolated. I thought I might die before him because I had breast cancer and he took care of me the whole time. This way if I get it again he won't have to do that again. I really don't know.

I have thought about this lately also. My husband was very much a realist and I know he would have been "ok". But I also know that he would have grieved very deeply and would have simply become a hermit! He would have carried on for his daughter, but he would have been shattered....just like I am! There are no answers to most of my questions so I just go through each day -- asking God to put the pieces of my heart back together and make some kind of sense of all of it........somehow! Hugs, Ruth

Like so many of you, I think I am handling this better than my husband would have. He would have turned to alcohol and depressiona and wouldn't have been able to take care of our baby. For my son's sake, this way was for the best.

Yes, I have wondered this also.

I actually did start smoking again after my wife's death. I haven't smoked for years but my reasoning was it'll get me there faster. I've also become much more of a loner, staying away from everyone other than the odd conversarion on the phone. My phone hardly ever rings and I've found I like it that way. When my wife was with me I was much more comfortable in crowds. My wife was nervous in crowds of people but I stayed with her and gave her strength and it was easy. I was the one that had no problem talking to anyone on the street or in a restaraunt and now I just want to be left alone. Don't know if it's my grief controlling me because I'm at a certain stage of grieving or it's the path I'm going to follow from now on.
I was always much more stubborn than her and I think she would have learned to adapt better.

Funny, that's one thing I never wonder about. I feel my husband was the one who was spiritually ready for the next realm. He had a pure heart and was the best person I ever knew. He had earned his just reward. As for me, well, there is lots of room for improvement.
Also, I would gladly carry this burden to spare him the pain. He didn't deserve to suffer and had no life lessons to learn.
My husband and I had talked about this on occasion, in a joking way, and he was adament that he had to go first. He listed his reasons as 1, He didn't know what colours match 2, He didn't know where the money was 3, He hate, hate, hated paperwork !
I can smile about it now and he definitely had a point re. the paperwork lol

I thought for yrs I would get breast cancer & die before him. His father lived to be 96 as did his father's siblings. BUT what he did not figure on is his real mother he never grew up died at age 68 (heart)
I even refused to get married for 4 yrs before I agreed to finally get married. I wonder how he would handle it, I think he would do ok.

This is definitely one of the "trickiest" topics that I have thought about, and I have come to the realization that I will not "ASSUME" that my dear wife does not feel the pain regarding our seperation due to her death. I will never know for sure until I am there with her, but I (and I'm just speaking for myself here) believe that the Lord would not take away a soul's feeling for their loved ones even after passing. Anyway, like I said, I will not ASSUME that, yet by being in the presence of the Lord there is something far more powerful available to those in heaven to help them adapt better to the seperation than what we have here in this "fallen" physical world... We have our FAITH in what we can not see...they have FAITH realized and in all it's glory. Just treading water here again one day at a time....and I know another storm is on the horizon... -Sam