my husband had no illness. just died instantly. so can't have caregiving regrets.
But, regrets in general. Absolutely.
Sorry, I just haven't the heart to name things today
I am sure that is an aspect of grieving, though. whether our regrets are justifiable or not.

Deb, YES, the guilt that has been plaguing me is non-relenting. Did I do enough, did I do it soon enough, why didn't I insist on this or that and why did I leave him that last night? Couldn't I go without sleep and food and without work and couldn't the dogs go without water and food for that day? Why wasn't I there when he breathed his final breath? Why? Why? Why?

I constantly torture myself with questions and doubts about what I did or didn't do. Would it have made a difference for the final outcome of his life?

We'll NEVER know the answers to most of our questions and I MUST learn to accept that.

I'm wracked with guilt about so many things that I think I should have done differently, when, in fact I know in my heart of hearts that there was NOTHING anyone could do. My husband was on a downward spiral and he wouldn't let ANYONE, not me, not our children and certainly not the doctors or nurses help him.

He wanted everything his way and in his time. It was heartbreaking to watch and has become my nightmare to bear until I find peace with it all!

I hope that you find the peace that you need to go forward with your life......I'm slowly, ever so slowly finding mine!

Warmly,
Roz

I had two years of taking care of my husband. He too wanted me to stay with him but I couldn't. I work full time and have 3 dogs. I let my house go down and I too left bills unpaid. Since he pasted in August, its an uphill battle to just get the house in order. I don't have regrets though, I know I did everything I humanly could. I was killing myself slowly picking him up off the ground, out of the shower, lifting him to the potty. My body was hurting and it may a forever pain. What I can say is I would do it all over again. maybe a little differently but I would do it again. just remember you are only ONE person and God didn't want one person to totally take care of another. its impossible. Thank yourself and be happy you were with him and he knew you loved him. Now its time to love yourself and pat yourself on the back for what you did do, not what you didn't do. hugs Arlene

Thanks for your comforting words.

I think it is just human nature to beat ourselves up about what we "should" have done. I am sure we all did the best we could. We all sat with Al all day and at 10 PM everyone left and my son and I went to the family room to sleep because they said it wouldn't be tonght. He passed about 15 minutes later - alone. He was on heavy morphine but he knew we were there and that we weren't.

Someone said, and I want to believe it, that Al knew how hard I tried to save him and he didn't want me there when he passed. My son and I sat and held his hand after he passed for over an hour. I tear up thinking about it.

So let's all let go of the "should haves" and go forward with just the good memories we had with our loved ones now at the holiday season. They would want that.

Sorry, but I have thoughts about " should haves ". In the end I fully understand even if ever " should haves " were acted upon, It would have not change a thing.

The single most useless emotion you will experience during grief is guilt. Truly, it serves no purpose other than to make you feel worse for something you could not prevent. We all experience it at some point along the way, and it will rear its ugly little head from time to time as well, but it is so awfully useless.

What is important in a marriage? He knew you loved him and you did your best to take care of him, even to letting other stuff fall by the wayside. Please don't beat yourself up. I cannot imagine that our spouses who loved us would want us to do that, would want us to make ourselves feel even more pain than we already do.

You can second-guess everything until the cows come home. It serves no purpose. My sons pointed out to me that Cliff probably lived longer than he would have had I not taken such good care of him - he probably would have died even younger. We don't know how much GOOD we DID do. So please don't discount the love and care you gave him - it was incredibly important to him.

The only thing I regret now is that I had 30 years with Cliff and can't have 30 more. Although, even if I had 100 years it probably would not have been enough. Love is like that. Please go easy on yourself.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Deb,
It does no good to beat yourself up for things that happened when your husband was sick. One of the first things I heard when I attended a grief group was to stop with the "could-haves and should-haves. You did the best you could have done at the time." Yes, I, too, wished that I had done some things differently; but I know guilt does no good. You were a loving, caring wife, and he knew it.
Roxanne

Yes, when my husband was in the hospital, I was trying to figure out how to bring him home for the last days of his life. I had everything set up but then he took a sharp decline, and the doctor cancelled it...eventually, he was placed in a hospice, which neither of us wanted. I was unable to be there more than a couple of hours at a time, because I have a son who is autistic to care for, and he couldn't handle being there all the time. I was still trying to figure out how to get him home. Three days after being moved to the hospice, he passed away. I was about an hour away from getting there that day. I have never gotten over the fact that I didn't get him home, and that I wasn't there when he died. I wish I had taken him home before his decline, I wish I had taken him to the hospital that had more experience dealing with his illness (end stage liver disease) and I wish I could have gotten him to the doctor a lot earlier. And I can't help wondering if he would be here today if I had made different choices. I feel like I failed him. I miss him, and am devastated that he didn't get another 20 years, that we didn't get another 20 years....