I just want to say "thank you" to Norske1 for the original post/question.

Reading it . . . and all the responses . . . has helped me as I struggle through a difficult time.

Wishing you all peace . . .

I too want to say thank you for the original post and to all who have posted responses here. I wanted to add some wisdom gained from my so far short journey in this grieving process, but find that all of you have said it so well. I have nothing to add except that all of your perspectives ring true to me and lift me up today which so far has been a really hard one. Thank you for your insight and for taking the time to give your thoughts and experiences on this horrible journey we are all sharing. Blessings to all of you as you try to heal.

Thank you everyone for your support, love and sharing of your faith. Al and I had started missions in our church, become involved with Celebrate Recovery, and were taking meals to the homeless shelter in town. We wanted to give back because we felt God had given us so much in our 37 years. And we felt God with us in these outreaches over the last two years. So I wonder why God didn't want us to continue sharing with others.

I wrestle with "could I have done more", "should I have insisted we go to M D Anderson in Houston, rather than the Mayo and U of M", etc. But Al was happy with his oncologists and truly felt God would heal him here on earth. Three times he cried saying he wasn't ready to die, that he trusted God 100% to heal him here on earth so he could continue his outreach.

I do ask God to help me understand why my dear husband and best friend was taken just when we were loving doing God's work here on earth.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments.

I have had many answers to "why" over the 7 years since Cliff died. That's the goofy part - you may get the answers and there may be more than one, and chances are, they will truly surprise you. Which answer is the most correct? That I cannot say.

Here is a little something to consider though... I was talking with my sons, who miss their Dad so terribly, and wondering aloud why he had to be taken at only 55, taken on special day of remembrance, taken on the verge of the fruition of so much, when my older son said to me, "If you hadn't taken such good care of Dad, we probably would have lost him a long time ago." In other words, perhaps we had already been given a reprieve -- perhaps the original 'plan' was that he would not ever see 55. I had to think about that one.

You see, my own Dad had cancer when I was 4, but they cured him - it was a miracle at the time. I got to grow up with a Dad, but we lost him to another cancer when I was 26 and pregnant with my first, and my whole world seemed to be falling apart. Why did God take Daddy when I was only 26? Well, actually, God let hm stay a lot longer than he might have. We could have lost him when I was 5.

We are often not aware of the mercies given to us at the time we are given them. Cliff and I each had our own brushes with death. Perhaps it was a mercy we had him as long as we did. I don't know.

I found that all my anger at God for taking him served no purpose. I put aside the why's and the anger, and it was easier to find some peace with it all. I think the realizsation, too, that another 100 years with my husband would not have been enough -what could ever be enough? - also put it in perspective for me.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I do understand the frustration. Whatever we do for God, we have to do purely out of love and nothing more. We cannot bargain with Him, for bargaining with Him would be similar to setting up an equal with Him, and the First Commandment is pretty clear that is forbidden. Death is not a punishment, life is not a reward. You did nothing wrong. Your husband did nothing wrong. Try to put the question of "why" aside for now at least. The answers will come, but not right away, so be patient and grieve, allow yourself the tears and contemplation.

Love and Hugs,
Martha