Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Widows walk

Truhal
Truhal
Again I find myself thinking about life in general. Today I was considering the differences between men and women going on this journey. Of course, I have no idea how it feels to be a man who loses his wife except through observation: my father is a widower.

When mom died, I saw him shut himself away. He's one of those stiff uppper lips sort, so he never broke down in front of me, but I know he did privately. He missed my mom alot. Although the marriage wasn't perfect, they'd known each other over fifty years and had married as teens.

Now for the difference. I'm sure there are many, but I'm only going to mention one, because as my father and I talk, he never once mentioned going through it. Yet we have many things in common.

The difference is vuneralbility. Dad never needed it from Mom, but I find many of us women feel darn right vunerable, as if we know people are out there ready to take advantage once they know DH is no longer with us.

My examples:

It was five weeks before I told a neighbor what had happened.

I'm having house repair work done and made sure not to mention that I was a widow.

I never put my first name on envelopes.

I don't talk abou my loss with my customers.

At night, I sometimes put a chair up to the door.

I'm afraid to travel by myself.

There are more, but I've notice other women mentioning the same concerns. Men do not. I'm sure there's something that men experence in losing a spouse that women don't. I'd be interested in hearing.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am sorry you are having such a bad time. I do think women feel a little more vulnerable for the most part we are much smaller and not as strong. I have some suggestions for you...a dog of any size that barks will alert you to someone around the house.....put a lock on the door....just use initials and a last name on envelopes...same for the listing in the telephone book. I am from Missouri and most of the women who grew up here are familiar with guns. If you are comfortable with using a gun.....there are concealed carry classes that you can take so you can legally carry a gun. One caveat....don't do that unless you are really prepared to use it. If you are not comfortable with that.....you can buy pepper spray in containers that fit on your key ring and they will halt a person...will bring even a big man to his knees. If you traveling let someone know where you are going and when you will be arriving and always carry a cellphone. I know your post was really more for about male vulnerabilities but I hope some of my suggestions will help you. It is no fun to be afraid. Hugs, Dianne
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do notice how much more careful about these things I am now. I also take some of the precautions you mention. I always thought I was pretty tough (in ways) but now realize a lot of it was just always having my hubby there. I don't think I have spent more than 4 nights alone in the entire 27 years we were married. I have actually done OK so far. I live in a rural area and we have 2 jack russell terriers outside. They bark at EVERYTHING. They drive me nuts, but I guess I should be thankful they warn me, even if it is usually a raccoon or opossum. (or even a baked potato - long story).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yup. It never occurred to me until I was alone, I am, after all, a former Police officer. I'm not scared of much, but I became keenly aware of my home security. I put extra locks on both front and back doors, I also have a thingy that goes under the door knob with a rubber stop at the end...it's like a Y...works great and you can buy them at Carol Wright. I also have a 120 pound lab who means it. Since David died, he's very protective of me. My neighborhood has gone down hill since we bought, there's 'gang' wannabes, you know, the ones who need to pull their pants up, are white as snow and talk like their from the ghetto. The sad part is, mom and dad are the same way. I don't have the money to get out of here so I have to deal with it.
I don't have a weapon any more, but I do know how to protect myself if push came to shove. I always suggested to women that they take a class in self-defense, it's true today as well. They even have classes for folks who use a cane. So, be cautious, but also empower yourselves.
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
I am sure widows are not the only women who take these precautions but we are used to having someone in the house with us. Being alone now is what makes us feel vunerable. If we consume ourselves in grief we will be left vunerable because we are in a weakened state. It is hard to find a balance between grieveing, personal saftey, strength, healing and being concerned about every noise we hear as we lay in bed alone at night.
The sooner we analyze ourselves to a better state of mind the sooner we find our strength and lose our vunerability. It's a lot to talk yourself into....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know I shouldn't do this, but I have a smith and Wesson loaded and in the drawer beside my bed. I used to be terrified of guns up until about a year ago. John always ahd a thing for them and he wanted to make sure that I had something to protect myself with if anything ever happened to him. It did and now I do have protection!
Truhal
Truhal
I was raised around guns so it's a thought. If I had one I would take lessons and not feel any guilt in using one if someone busted into my home. My thought on that: he committed suicide.

Right now I live in a safe neighborhood. That being said, there is no such thing as a safe neighborhood. Also, I hate the term ghetto which has for some reason been given a negative connotation by the popular press as a place where African Americans live. This name has been used even in areas that are affluent, but just happen to be inhabitit by blacks, while areas that have seen better days and are not inhabitit by blacks are not seen as ghettos.

No offence, Bayhorselady. I do understand the young crowd is using it in the United States as a positive word, but I am old.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I felt so safe with Rob around, never afraid to stay home alone. Since his death I feel so insecure and somewhat helpless. I am not I know that but I feel that way. Then my house got burglarized and I know they knew it was empty and why, that Rob had died and I wasn't able to come home. I think it was someone we know though as only specifice rods and reels were stolen, as thought they knew what they wanted. I lock the door and now use the dead bolts. I always close and lock all the windows even if it's hot out and I am just talking the dog for a walk. I miss my man, he made my world feel safe. Hug, Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user
I did take a class in gun safety and I learned how to shoot.........for some reason I did that last spring while Norm was still living.......he ws going to go with me but I said I needed to do this on my own........... and I did. Was thrilled that I picked a great revolver and learned to use it.......... Norm was impressed.........we went shooting a few times with a group from church.........I sleep with it under the pillow........it has helped me feel more safe.....I also have a permit to carry and if Igo out after dark, I take it with.

I definately feel more vulnerable........L
deleted_user
deleted_user
You have brought up a very good topic.as a male have not paid attention to the extra stress this is for women. I'am so sorry you have feeling of vunerabilty along with all the other junk we have to put up with. I guess I don't feel vunerable but that is just a front most men put up. When you look close at he world we live in we all should be at the ready. There are any number people ready to take advantage of anyone male or female. I don't know if anyone lives in a total safe place.
Have not figured out if I have lost anything you have.In my case I went right from my mothers loving arms to my DW s never being alone and now I'am and all feels lost.
God Bless dave
deleted_user
deleted_user
Truhal, none taken, but seems I need to clarify my use of the term "from the ghetto" which mean's gangsta, the rap culture, drugs and violence, and has nothing to do with ones skin tone or geography. Violent jerks come in all colors and economic backgrounds.

The point is that activity brings with it crime, and makes everyone who lives there vulnerable.
Truhal
Truhal
So true, Bayhorse.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think the thing I have found hardest is going to support groups only to find that I am the only man there, the youngest by 20+ years and being made to feel unwelcome by the group organiser.

It is as if men are not allowed to be upset or show any emotion. I have lost count of the number of times people have asked how the twins are coping without ever asking me how I am!
deleted_user
deleted_user
One thing that I started doing was making sure no one could look in the house at night. I wasn't afraid to be by myself, but I didn't want to think anyone could look in. While he was alive, we never closed the blinds in the living room or kitchen. I felt so safe with him that it didn't bother me. He always said he didn't care if someone would look at him through the window.
Truhal
Truhal
Ukwidower is right. I was thinking of something that set the sexes apart, and it is that men are the minority on this journey. Nearly every group is composed mostly of women.
pathoflife
pathoflife
Truhal,

I am glad that Daily Strength is a safe place where men can come and feel free to express their grief. Shame on those persons who fail to recognize that grief has no gender. TJ
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