Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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MeineLiebe 08/20/2020

I thought I forgave him for all of the wrong he did but a dear friend gently told me that I have not and that I harbor grudges. I do. So my question is how do we forgive a cheating lying spouse/partner after they've moved on? I find myself thinking about him a lot and I do have some flash backs of some happy times. The tears have become a lot less but every now and then I find myself crying and I wish I could see him and ask questions or give him a piece of my mind. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and how he betrayed me. I can practically hear the lies he told me and then him apologizing for every hurtful thing he did to me. It disturbs me deeply. Now, when I start talking about him to my best friend I tend to be so angry and I go on and on about all the lies and how much he hurt me. In a way it feels good to just get it off my chest but it makes me wonder why after 16 months I can't talk about him in a nice way. I really thought that I forgave him but the truth is that I haven't and I don't think I can because I forgave him for so much when he was alive and I'm just fed up with always having to be the bigger stronger person. I know it's stupid and doesn't make much sense because he's gone and forgiveness is for ourselves but still....

The fact that he was with the mother of his daughter the day he died, eating pancakes and probably having sex is the final straw. I don't know how to forgive him for betraying me on the day he left this earth with a final lie. He came back to me with a huge lie and he left me with a huge lie and he lied lied lied to me for the 6 years we had together. I want to point out that he didn't admit much of anything and mostly let me figure things out for myself. When he did speak the truth and apologized I looked him in his eyes and forgave him. I stood by his side through all of it and his wish to be with me for the rest of his life was granted but sadly and disgustingly he just couldn't honor being with only ME. I was so kind and good to him but he didn't deserve me. I gave him peace, understanding, love and my heart. And he broke my heart, shattered it into a million piece. I'm mad at myself for putting up with so much garbage. I'm mad at myself for giving him 6 years of my life which turned out to be 6 years of lies and deceit. I'm mad at myself for letting him use and hurt me the way he did. I'm mad at myself for loving him. I'm mad at him for leaving me to deal with all of these emotions. I'm mad at him for dying the way he did. He should have died in her bed, not ours. She should have had to be the one to administer CPR and watch him take his last breath. It's just too much, too much to get over and let go. All I want is to move on with my life and enjoy it to the fullest. My life is so much more peaceful now that he is gone and I wish I could forget all about him. I don't want to think about him because it hurts and makes me angry. So how do I forgive him and myself? Easier said than done. Right?

BTW.. I did have counseling but obviously it didn't work. I don't want any more counseling because I know this is something I have to work through but I'm just so tired of dealing with him even though he's dead. My life truly is better now without him in it and this truth hurts a lot. I don't want to think about him. He drives me crazy and I'm sick and tired of him being in my head. My heart doesn't want to have love for him because I finally see the big picture. All of the puzzle pieces are done now and it's not the picture he tried to paint. I should have not been in this picture at all but then again, everything does happen for a reason and it's not for us to question. In the end I'm actually stronger and I'm finding my way. I just want him out of my head. Will true forgiveness do that? Also, why is dealing with death so darn hard when it is part of life and eventually all of us have to deal with it, either by losing a loved one or us dying. It's such a struggle but why?

Veronica77 08/20/2020

It is hard to do but just try to let it go. I got involved with someone after Mike died. The more involved I got with him the more everything seemed to be about him and he didn't seem to know how to be in a relationship. I showed some attitude and he promptly jumped ship. Not 5 months later he had someone new. It drove me nuts. One day I thought I have to let go. I had a big sense of relief that i didn't have to deal with it anymore. He tried to get back with me but I was done. I hardly think about him anymore and still feel relieved and at peace. With time you will be able to move past this. ((Hugs))

roxanne809 08/21/2020

Forgiveness is a difficult thing for some people; and, I too, hold grudges and find forgiveness a hard thing to do. All I can offer in advice is to go back to counseling, but find a different counselor that may offer more support, maybe a different point of view, and guidance as to how to overcome your struggle with forgiveness. You certainly are not alone in how you have been unable to completely forgive your spouse. Just think about a new counselor who hasn't heard your story. Take care. Roxanne

cgriff4ever 08/21/2020

Forgiveness isnt for him, its for you! So that you can push forward, and discover the real/new you. Just think....how miserable a life he must've lived. You are better than the negativity that goes along with the thoughts, etc. I've been cheated on. I internalized it, and thought it was me. It was NOT! Just think of how miserable and unhappy a person is with themselves, to do that!!! Woulda, coulda, shoulda. we have all lived it. Did me no good, other than depress, affect me in a negative way, and made me even,question my own existence!!

May god bless and keep you. Remember we all need to be forgiven!! We have all done things in our lives, we would love to forget, ask for forgiveness, and hope that the person who we hurt, would not hold it against us.

He has passed, let go, know that life is all about "choice", good, bad and everything in between.

Much love, carla

MeineLiebe 08/31/2020

Thank you all for replying. I’m letting go of this crazy anger. When he first passed I asked him to send me feathers to let me know he’s still around. I had feathers fall on the tip of my shoes, feathers appeared on my balcony, dream weaver in the window at a car next to me at a stop light. I know it sounds crazy but I know he’s around. I asked him to send me hearts if he loved me. Took a while but I swear, I had a breakdown and couldn’t stop crying... something told me to look up and sure enough.... clouds formed like hearts in the sky. Took my dog for a walk yesterday and he stopped right in front of a heart with a peace sign painted on the inside ( chalk drawing on sidewalk). I took a picture of the clouds and asked my sister what it looked like. 2 smaller hearts and 1 big one with the letter T connecting them. I know he needs my forgiveness because no matter what he did, I was the love of his life and he was mine. I’m feeling so much lighter. Thank you

cymbaline 08/31/2020

I read one of your first posts, early on in your grief. You had a very complicated relationship. Life can be awfully messy.

My husband was an alcoholic. He made no effort to hide the crushes he had (there were several, over the years). I don't know if he cheated, but I suspect he did. He was pleasant and cheerful - to everyone but me. I found out that he'd been calling a 21-year-old, and it came to an end because he was so drunk one time, I guess she didn't know what to do and put her father on the phone.. He was always talking to someone on the phone. When he'd hang up, I'd ask if we could talk. He said, "Make it quick. I have things to do."

He lost three jobs the last six years of his life.

He was withdrawing money from his IRA account to finance his drinking and cigarettes, and didn't tell me. Our tax preparer did (because there are tax consequences to withdrawing your IRA before retirement).

He was also the man who cried when we buried my first cat, mostly finished re-wiring this 150-year-old house, and when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, called a man he knew and asked him to look out for me.

He screwed up a lot. He loved me the best he could. It wasn't a first-rate experience for me, but it was his personal best at the time. Once I realized that, a lot of the resentment went away.

I found someone new eventually. He's sober. He's kind. He has an awesome sense of humor. I learned from my marriage how to be a better partner. Had I left Late Husband the first time I seriously considered it or the second, we'd never have met.

I don't know if I believe in fate. Maybe.

MeineLiebe 09/01/2020

I believe in fate and I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I have so many wonderful memories and I’m done letting the terrible circumstances the day and days after his death overshadow them. I really don’t know how much truth is in what the mother of his daughter said.
I am going to cherish the good we had and let go of the mistakes we both made. You know it would be nice if women respected each other more and stayed away from married men or men they know are in a relationship. Of course it is the married person’s responsibility to remain faithful but still.....
I also met a man when I least expected it. It’s strange, because he lived practically next door to me and my husband, we went to the same pool party but never met. I must have looked at 10 different places to move to and ended up here in bldg 8414 in May 2019. My new man moved here in June 2018 into bldg 8416 (Tom passed away on 4/16). This relationship is so much better because there are no small children or clingy needy exes to deal with. He brought sunshine and happiness into my life when I needed it the most. This relationship works, it just simply works and I am so blessed and grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Tom and I were meant to come back together and no matter the struggles we had, there was a lot of good between us. If it weren’t for him coming back to me, I would have never had the chance to open my heart to his beautiful daughter, to make so many memories and to learn how to understand, forgive and love. My heart is filled with love for him and it is open for new love. I am at peace and I know Tom is as well. Some people come into our life for a reason and some for a season. Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a Gift. I choose to embrace the Gift of Today.
I am also very thankful for this board and the many wonderful people who take the time to share and respond. It has helped me tremendously. Thank you!

Veronica77 09/01/2020

So happy for you! I love the signs that you mentioned previously. I have seen dog shaped clouds and I wondered if I was actually seeing them. May seem strange bùt Mike was like a happy loving dog with floppy ears. ((Hugs))

onebrokenheart 09/02/2020

I have had messages in clouds too. Some find it hard to accept that signs are left for us. It's up to each individual to believe or not. What I want to say is that I too have experienced betrayal from 3 husbands. Don't be concerned that one day your up and the next your down or angry. It's layers of feelings you have and a layer peels off at odd times. It's sometimes difficult to find balance in all this emotional upheaval. I found I had to take a multidirectional approach. Counseling, journaling, talking to friends, meditating and now exercising. Whatever works to help you find balance in the vast ocean of your emotions.

mrsbruneau2 10/06/2020

I can empathize with your difficulty in forgiveness and letting go. I experienced similar emotions in my journey, but in a reverse order. My first husband has been gone almost six years. At first my grief had elements of compassion for his suffering, empathy for his pain and love for. Now, my grief has taken the form of anger, especially since I entered a new, healthier relationship. I am angry at his selfishness in his dying days, for making poor decisions that I went along with and for the emotional abuse I suffered in his final weeks. I finally reached a point where I wanted to let go and consciously acknowledged that while I hated his behaviour, I forgave him, if, for no other reason, than he wasn't entirely to blame for our situation and that he did his best under brutal circumstances. Periodically, I find myself needing to continue this practice. Slowly, but surely, the anger has faded to a point where it no longer dominates me.

It sounds like you have reached a positive point in your life, and I am thrilled for you. We all deserve peace in our lifetime.

Prycejosh1987 10/13/2020

because the human heart is deceitful and wicked. Following the heart causes more problems then it solves. Forgiveness is a courtesy, that comes through the power of choice.

Blackhole 10/13/2020

Hello MeineL... my Warrior
Why is forgiveness difficult ? It is difficult because You cannot do both.
Please pick one ; forgiveness or Your forgiveness .
thinking about the last six years will take another six years to zero it out. and have a clear Mindset to much time
So what do we do;
Pick the one and just say "F- it and him" like we men do all the time and go on to enjoy Life with the Future You.

OR Your forgiveness, continue thinking about the man the pain the hurt the damage the why the LIE and whether your self worth is tied to a Lie Life

how do we get from point A to point B

start with the Woman in the mirror tell her you love her and her future.
tell her to love people that love her tell her to Express Love with acts of kindness.
BUT you must tell her the truth about men
the trillions of dollars in business of sex in the city with the next young petty.

I am going to tell you something that only men know and will get me in trouble here on this thread. Around 12th grade all men are taken to a special place and taught this..
There is only one thing better than Push-see and that is New Push-see.
Mike Jackson words to his song "they don't really care about us"
So tell the woman in the mirror the whole truth so she can become the Future You and not allow his LIE to Live in you today

six years alone I lived over seas and the last year and 1/2 I stayed in my room and and never left post just to wash the filth off my mind I made a conscience decision change.
Tell the Woman in the Mirror
YOU will find the right man the kind of man mention so many times on this thread the man that is talked about with words that seem like they are dancing on the page and I and feel the look in his eyes
. As a man I tell you what they dont tell men in that special room.
A good Loving woman like you is What make us men.
I quit med school because i did not want to be a Doctor. because she was a doctor and her family was all educators and doctors.
she said to me "Just give me your best at whatever you do".

I dont know what he said or did not say to you but let me say this
Give you Your best Future please continue to use your keyboard as your voice and a rallying cry to the Grief Monster that you are Mad as Hell and will Not take it Anymore
going forward you control the narrative and we here will help.
Love Power and Self-Control.....peace out

WildRose 10/15/2020

At the start I was so worried for you and the anger and resentment you had hold you down. I agree with others here, forgiveness is not just for him but also for you...so you can move on. I am so happy to read you have let go and have found happiness again. It is so exciting and I wish you continued love and light.
WR x

Bobby5000 02/20/2021

I don't see why you need to try to forgive him, you just need to move on to other things.

MeineLiebe 02/22/2021

Let me just say that it was a very difficult situation, a lot of pain and struggles but also a lot of love. I know he loved me with all of his heart but he messed up. He messed up really really bad and he kept digging himself in deeper and deeper due to his many lies. I had to forgive him in order to feel his love, in order to be able to grief the loss of him, in order to remember the good times and to be able to move on. I had to let go of the anger because it was killing me inside. I was exhausted from negative thoughts. Forgiving him was necessary so that I could move on. I am now married to a very kind and honest man who deserves the best of me and being angry is not the best of me. My heart is filled with love and I am so grateful that I was able to forgive and to let go. I will never be over my first love but it sure is nice to be able to give love another shot. Black hole... I hear you, you speak the truth. For a while the F him did work but deep down inside this is not who I am. Being able to make peace and forgiving him is a truly beautiful thing. I am so grateful for everything.

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