Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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meg40185 04/19/2016

I had a gentleman that I didn't even know walk up to me this morning. I was concentrating on something and not paying much attention, but the first words out of his mouth were "Now it can't be THAT bad that you can't smile!"

Honestly, I am a sweet person. A nice person. I refuse to be the person that hurts feelings or says anything mean. I'm kind and sensitive. NORMALLY. Today, however, I wanted to punch this man in his face. Anger is popping up pretty quickly these past few days. I wanted to scream at him, "NO you're right! It's not THAT bad! My husband and father of my little boy just died 2 weeks ago. But hey, I'll be fine. No worries!" I am ashamed that this is the first thing that I thought, because I'm really not the type of person to get angry quickly. I know maybe that man was just trying to get me with his humor. Just trying to be nice. But it came across the wrong way on the wrong day.

Ahhhh... I hope I'm not alone in this. I feel mean.

FaithNLove64 04/19/2016

Unfortunately, I think it might be a common reaction to become a little less patient with other people's thoughtlessness. I started a thread not long ago titled, I am crabby. I become so impatient with people that I isolated from others a bit.

Be patient with yourself. You are going through a lot.

Thinking of you,

Robyne

meg40185 04/19/2016

Thank you sweetie. I will check out your thread. I am so glad I'm not alone in this. I just can't deal with people like I used to.

honey01409 04/19/2016

Hi Meg, Unfortunately, grief makes you feel many emotions. You are not alone in this. Be patient with yourself and take care. God Bless.

deleted_user 04/19/2016

Meg, you reacted exactly the same way I would!

You are so adorable in the way that you describe yourself. Meg, you lost your mate, your partner, your best friend and confidant. Had you told the man who was trying to get a rise out of you, exactly what just happened to you, he would have totally understood. He might have even reached out to hug you!

There are days that I'm so darned pissed-off that I'm afraid for the next person to have any interaction with me for fear that I just might bite their head off!!!!!

I consider myself and kind and gentle person too, but boy how grief has changed me!!!!

I believe that the "new normal" for me and you might be "edgy" for a while! Let's cut ourselves some slack and if need be tell folks why we're acting so badly and hope they understand.

I understand,
Roz

lauriegardner 04/19/2016

Me too. I'm so kind, always been so empathetic toward others. But, yes...anger! Anger, and I don't know what to do with it . I just cry sometimes.

deleted_user 04/19/2016

Laurie, write your feelings down.........and, when you've had enough of you........tear it up into a zillion pieces and start all over again!!!

I'm learning, I think, to go with the flow of it all. Not to be short with myself, nor expect too much out of me. I'm not so perfect at all of it but I'm better than I used to be.

Roz

missinghim1985 04/19/2016

I had this happen the day after Valentines Day (a month out). I was headed to a work hearing and a man who was passing the coffee shop opposite the courthouse said something similar to that. I stopped... gathered my thoughts and said honestly, it is (that bad), but its too sad of a story to tell. He said you didn't have a good day yesterday? he replied, I said sadly no, I spent it in a cemetery. He told me he was sorry, but hoped he could bring a smile to my face today and asked my first name. I told him, and he told me he he'd pray for me and the person I lost, and there would be a coffee waiting at the counter when I was done. Every time I've been to court since Chad passed, theres been something, a person saying hi, a therapy dog, or just something to make me laugh. I often think it's him.

Thinking of you.

kevingifford 04/19/2016

No your not alone. I'm usually happy go lucky type guy. But since my wife passed away my anger is just below the surface. Which is why I now say very little to many.

tim57 04/20/2016

With me I have become more angry towards those who waste time. I look at how quickly Lyn left for home and I see people just tooling along as if life here will never end and they have all the time in the world. I feel like screaming out don't you get it life is temporary. This world is not that important. Quit wasting your life.
Then I have to reel myself in remembering I did the same until this wakeup call and my wife went to paradise.
I think how many people over my life time did I run across who were going this very same thing I had no idea of and I said something silly thinking I was helping. This world just keeps on turning.
Peace, Tim

onebrokenheart 04/20/2016

I am like you the person who refuses to be mean or cruel...normally. About six months in I found myself going off on a store clerk because she was refusing my coupon. She was a new employee and did not know how to handle it. I was so angry I was literally shaking. Over a coupon. How insane is that? What a wake up call to me. I was shocked at myself and it made me sit down and think. I realized anger had been building up and it needed release. I decided to put that energy to good use and I did house work at break neck speed every day for a while. Spring came and the usual outdoor work and I "attacked" the poor unsuspecting plants. That release of energy helped me avoid hurting others.

Jacuzzi63 04/20/2016

Back in 2009, before my husband had died, our family was going through a real rough patch. My MIL was dying of old age, my father dying of cancer, my husband diagnosed with kidney disease and he was not a good candidate for transplant, my kids both diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia and I wasn't getting cooperation/assistance from their schools. I had a new boss who hated me (actually hated any intelligent woman over age 30) and my job was in jeopardy.
I had a colleague tell me - "C'mon Jacq, it's not that bad... smile!"
Well, I snapped, and told them everything that was going on, then asked them "So what do you think? Is it that bad? Huh? WHAT DO YOU @#$%& THINK!!??"
They never spoke to me again. No loss anyway...
So yeah, there's times I lose it too...

at17 04/20/2016

Meg--I admire your restraint. At two weeks (assuming that the gentleman was not elderly), I would have unleashed my grief on him just as Jacuzzi did with her colleague. Anyone (again, with the exception of the elderly--I was taught to respect older people no matter what they say or perhaps your boss/client) should know better than to comment on your countenance instead of posing a genuine inquiry such as, "Excuse me, are you okay?"

cgriff4ever 04/20/2016

Until we are there, we dont understand. I remember before my husband passed away, I thought I understood what my dad was going through when my mom died. I didnt have a clue, and was ignorant, to the feelings that are there, when the loss is so deep. This person, has no clue, as to what has happened. Its hard, trust me, so whenever someone is clearly in a not so happy mood, I just say, I hope your day gets better, and Im sorry if something happened. Yes, Ive had those days, when I wanted to punch someone for saying, your so young youll find someone, or stay strong for whatever. blah blah blah.. Im sorry your enduring this, as time goes on, it will be less spitefull, when people make comments youll just say to yourself.. if they only knew, or they dont even have a clue. much love and hugs carla

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