I'm a bit confused . . are you saying you are happy at five years? Or still searching for said contentment and happiness? Gosh. That's a long grief journey. I'm so sorry . . at a loss for words if this is the case. Sending you thoughts and healing your way. In any event, you have my full attention with hopes and prayers for better days ahead. Hugs, D

Hi Nicker07,
I could have written this post. My hubby died July 3rd, 2010 so we're in the same time frame. Just today, I was crying once again and thinking that I don't really know how to live without him.

I have come a long way. I am stronger now that before. I've made friends (girls, not men and that's fine). I keep busy with my activities and family (blessed with grandchildren who keep me sane).

However, I'm moving house - AGAIN. So packing up and putting my belongings in storage because I don't have a house to move into. I sold this one quickly, after having lived here only 2 years, and cannot find something I like. I will move in with my daughter temporarily, but I still feel so disconnected. Cannot settle and wish with all my heart David was here with me - and we were living in our old home.

But life goes on and there are days I just accept and try to look for a brighter future. Maybe I will find a nice home, with nice friendly neighbours and perhaps meet a wonderful man one day.

Just wanted to say - I understand. We do need to keep on with our daily activities and try to find some joy in each day. At least it's summer now and the sun is shining.
Hugs

Nicker,

Your post puzzles me as to wether you have found happiness or not? I was with SJ 31 years that had it's ups and downs as any relationship is bound to have. We made a pact to each other to continue living life to the fullest when one of us became alone. She passed about 15 months ago and the first visitation from her came to me approximately October 2014 assuring me she was okay and I should move on with my life. Other visitations from her have endorsed her wishes for me to remember her fondly but take steps to move my life in a positive direction. One visitation was so very real as she called me by a name she called me that few people know me by. This visitation convinced me that it was from her and not my imagination messing with my mind.Point of this is that life is for the living and we should keep positive thoughts and be open to chance meetings that may happen.

My best to you all and positive thoughts and emotions to all.

Hugs and peace!

Dewman

I didn't wait that long, before I contacted a psychotherapist recommended by my primary doctor and I would consider doing the same. I also struggled to the third year, finding the 2nd year filled with "aloneness. " It didn't matter how many people I surrounded myself with I felt alone. There are different kinds of grief and not feeling that you are making progress complicates grief.

In the early times, we can benefit from groups, but after a while it's better to concentrate on yourself. It's not a failure to seek someone who can help you understand what is holding you in this place of sadness. It takes strength and you have proved you are much stronger than you ever thought.

There's a happiness waiting for you. Not the happiness of before, but a place in the world especially for you. Grasp the opportunity to find it. I am sorry for what you are going through and pray you will find peace in where you are. Hugs, Sharon

To answer your questions I think I am doing ok but just ok.
I am not the happiest because being alone is not happiest.
I am surviving ok but I wanted more at this age 65 of having that someone who did things we like to do together as a spouse.
I do not have lots of friends most of them in area are couples, retired, and older folks in my Lions club which I am president. Again I just thought at this time of my life there would be more fulfillment of some kind. SO somedays frustrating when I am fixing things that I wish I had someone to help, someone to have a cup of coffee with at the breakfast table, those kind of things. BUT I am ok just like was said wanted a brighter future....thanks for your replies

Hi Nicker07 and Wendy. I haven't had much to say lately, because at 34 months, I am struggling big time. I have had almost no support and the isolation and lonliness is effecting my brain. When grief continues this long it is called complicated grief. There is a new therapy out of Columbia University in New York, but it will be some time before it is common place. Because I had been retired less than a year when my husband died, I lost a lot of what would have been my support environment. I have found a therapist and a new kind of therapy. I will go for my first appointment tomorrow. It helps with PTSD and depression. It is called EMDR and stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It has been helpful for veterans suffering. It is very specific and results are supposedly seen in about 12 weeks with a very specific agenda. I am so sorry that you two ladies are still struggling and I can tell you, I will not make 5 years if I can't get some relief. I well keep this group posted. Please don't rule out therapy. My only reservation about therapy at this time is I still don't have support. It is not my imagination. This past Thursday a gal I've known for many years payed me a surprise visit and we went to lunch. It was the first time this year that I have not eaten alone. I have never lived like this until my husband passed. It is awful. Good luck to all. pj1952

I can so relate to parts of the posted comments. Has been just a little over a year since I lost my love. He would of been 70yrs this Dec & I will be 62 this year. I think that's what I'm struggling with, wanting to be able to do things in our 60's.... not to say we didn't before, because we were fortunate to experience some wonderful trips...

You feel like in your 60's & being married 38yrs, I don't even want to find another, but it's an in between age..... not old enough, still a lot of time in your life & not young enough to find someone....

I just miss him so !!!!j

pi1952, what you shared with us was so interesting. Please do come back and let us know how your therapy goes.

Thank you for enlightening us on some aspects of grief.

I find myself getting stuck. I don't want to talk about it or it's all I can talk about.

It seems that friends and family don't want to hear it anymore. I'm guessing they think I should move past these feelings.

For me, sometimes to wallow is to deal!

Roz

I am at two and a half years but I can still relate to what you are saying. None of us, I am sure, PLANNED to be alone during our years of retirement. We had plans and dreams that we were looking forward to after so many years of being limited by jobs. Now we are limited by being alone. So many things can no longer be done or just aren't the same when by oneself.

I think grief often becomes "complicated" when there is little support. I have gotten very little even though I do have my parents and daughter living close. None of them understand at all what losing a spouse is like and think it is no big deal. I was blessed to have a couple of months of counseling during a critical time that gave me enough peace to continue. Now I am just living life on my farm and keeping busy with that. Maybe Prince Charming will fall from the sky but I'm not holding my breath!

Roz, I will definitely keep this group informed about my progress and this relatively new therapy. As I understand it, grief never ends, but after about a year, given adequate support etc. it should recede into the background. Those who are experiencing complicated grief often describe the experience as being stuck. Lack of family, friends, unexpected death, all contribute to the factors that keep someone from healing. I have not felt joy in 34 months. I am having trouble even eating, but force myself to eat to survive. I have a 13 year old male shihtzu who is the most precious thing I have left. I had to put his female litter mate down in March of 2014. So, I will do updates about EMDR therapy and I also want to do a separate informational post about the "Modern Women's Widow Club". If you Google it, you can see what it is for yourself. According to the 2014 Census, there are 14 million widows in the US and 4 million are under the age of 65. The "system" is not prepared for us and I am afraid that many of us will continue to suffer on our own. We are a huge number that should be able to have a powerful voice by joining together. Unfortunately, we are also a group that suffers a loss that can't be described unless you've been there and for me at the moment can barely function. Thank you so much for your support. pj1952

With so many sad faces out here in DS land I just ask that each and everyone of us look for the good things happening in our life. They often are well hidden but while we all feel sad about events that have happened in our lifes we have a mission to carry on and spread the good will of our former partners. It is difficult to keep a positive attitude and I admit that I have to work on myself to keep it gowing. I wish happeness for all my DS cohorts and may great and positive events occur in our lives. Folks! We have too much living to do and we need to get after it as we can, cuz time it is a wasting. Time waits for no one and we need caputure the opportunity. Sad we may be but Saturday Night Live line. "Party on Garth!" Not to offend any one but make the most of the time we have.

Mr Windy here alcohol free for nearly 7 months now and enjoying a new perspective on live. No more clouded decisions for me know.

Hugs and Peace to all on DS.

Dewman