Only one couple who we were friends with invite me over. Others sort of avoid any confrontation. After church I wait around to see if anyone will include me in their little group, and they don't, so I walk out the door, get in my car, and leave. I have just recently moved and am not set up for entertaining at this point, nor do I have the time or the energy. They know I live alone, so I guess they are just busy with their own lives? Maybe they think I am a strong person who can handle my loss and grief alone. And why aren't any of them grieving for him? The best way to honor him would be to encourage and help me - in any small way. Which again is one reason why I am willing to relocate once my lease is up in July.

I think until I found myself in this situation I never imagined what one goes thru and I cannot say I reached out to them like I realize now I should have...maybe your friends are the same. they just don't know what it's like-they haven't been there. Believe me I will be a better friend when the time comes cuz I get it now!

Yes, you will need to find new friends it is sad to say. I remember when a friend of my husband died, I didn't know what to say or do so I just didn't reach out to the wife. She stepped up when my husband died, I cried to her and apologized because of the shame I felt for not being there for her.

They really don't understand the pain you are going through and how a simple phone call would make a difference. Maybe one day they will come around but until then you must forge on and try to make new friends. I am in the process of doing that now and at 51, it is not easy. But I am tired of feeling alone and I think my dogs are tired with my conversation. I am currently looking up continuing ed classes to take when the new year starts and I have joined a gym, haven't made it there but joined. It is a start.

This is a situation most all of us here experience. There’s a saying that death changes your address book. A lot of truth in that. The why of it though often seems as mysterious as it is upsetting. The friends that always seemed to be there for us in any situation just seem to just fade away. In reality, the reasons are not as mysterious as it seems. For some, being around us likely brings out the fear of knowing they’ll eventually experience a similar event in their lives. They may not see it but it’s there just the same. Many find being with us uncomfortable because they care about us but just don’t know what to say to help us so they distance themselves. Most though only related to us as a part of a couple. Though we don’t like it, our situation has changed. Most folks have trouble with change so they distance themselves from it. None of this is our doing but our response to it is on us. It’s up to us to be proactive and create our own solutions. Friendship is important but to have one you must be one. Invite them, don’t wait for them to invite you. One of the pluses of this is that you can choose the location that is more comfortable for you. Try calling, texting, etc. as you did in the past. When you do these don’t do them with the expectation that all will be well as it once was. You may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome but don’t dwell on it if they are unresponsive. Most of us made new friends throughout our lives. That’s especially important and we must continue to do that. We can do this just as we always did, by inserting ourselves into new groups or situations. We have to go where we can be with others and interact with them. Our old friends and potential new friends may be sympathetic to our situation but we must work to ensure that our being widowed isn’t the basis for our friendships. We must also be diligent and patient. Good and lasting friendships take time and effort. That time and effort though will result in finding joy and happiness again in this life we are moving forward thru. Wish I had an easier answer for you but this has been my experience and I know it works.
((Hugs)),
~John

Excellent response John… Truly words to live by!
Yes, to have a friend you have to be a friend and that INCLUDES putting compassion, energy and effort into any relationship. Without those qualities....why even bother? It goes both ways and sometimes we have to take the initiative whether new or old friends....
Hopes for better days ahead!
Darcie

I'll put this quote up. I hope you'd consider it.
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/quote-19

Sometimes the onus is on us to reach and to keep in touch with others. Our needs have changed - we need people who can and will offer empathy and compassion freely. Not everyone has the time, patience and quality. They haven't lived the kind of hurt and heartbreak. It is important to realize that - to give them that pass if you will - in your expectations.

As far as I am concerned, I am not putting any initiative in "dead" friendships, thank you. I tried once, and it made me even more upset. I'd rather stay a lonely and angry widow.

couples like other couples, many singles want to date look at you with hope or are in pursuit of another.. but now and again you can find a fishing, or skiing friend... but generally with an activity involved... so has been my experience. Sometimes i can enlist a gal friend so that i can go play pinochle or go to a dinner party. That seems to make other couples more interested in inviting me. Also I do not seem to draw so much sympathy then. I am OK... and you will be also .. keep the faith! Our life clocks are ticking also.. do not waist your time.. go out and have some fun.. your late spouse would want that... i believe she is watching and wanting the best for me.. and i believe she has the best now.

Several months after I lost my husband I found this site and an organization called Soaring Spirits. They provide resources to widows and widowers including regional groups that get together for social activities. I go to some but not every activity but have always found good people who share this experience and wish to engage in social activities. They are an international organization and may offer some additional ways to develop new friendships. I have found I do need to reach out even to family as people just don't know what to do. It's not easy but if we don't try we don't know what we will miss. Take care of yourself.

reading my post now, my mood was so down that it sounded as if loneliness was my primary issue. That really isn't what's bothering me the most. The hardest thing is that all my old & trusted friendships have been built up over a great number of years (decades, actually) and reaching out to individual strangers is hard to re-learn (i.e.; gamble on) while I am still doing so much basic adjustments. Every day life uses up so much energy, it's mind boggling. I am confused about whether my old friends are really MY friends, if they aren't connected to me as an individual now. I have reached out for simple interactions with old friends, just for conversation. but not for dates to meet with them. don't want to put people on the spot while these questions are rattling around in my mind, you know?
I have been attending the usual group things every week, and recently added a new small group setting.
There are no widow groups in local small town areas. Besides, I also want to interact about things which aren't 'about' being a widow. just regular things that anybody can relate to.
Some of the activities which I did in the past are more athletic than I am right now.
Thanks for all your replies.

OR: They don't include you because widows are known sex maniacs, on the prowl for other's husbands. This is a well documented fact that I saw skillfully depicted when I was surfing porn one night. (Probably a Wednesday, as I favour following Taco Tuesdays with Porn Wednesdays Ass Weds/Ash Weds. - easy mistake right?.)

I read a lot about this in threads here years ago. How women were avoided by friends who seemed to think their husbands were both irresistible and likely to succumb to the lure of a sex starved widow. It's a compliment really, in a highly offensive way.

So I was affronted for a different reason. Women were throwing their husbands at me! Offering their services to help with home repairs, snow shovelling, errands etc. How insulting is that?!

If you're the first widow in your group, then no one has experience with it and you could set the tone. The hardest part is being willing to speak up and ask for what we need. In our pain it's easy to think How can they not know? But truly, they do not.
If you're not the first to lose a spouse, then turn to the widow or widower who preceded you, the one you went out of your way to include.
Be the change you want to see. More people tend to be psychotic than psychic and they can't read your mind. You have enough pain, don't look for more where none is intended. And some people really are asshats. Move on and find someone else.
There are lots of lonely people out there this holiday season and the best part is that there are so many lovely people on the planet, we can just avoid the others. Helping others always feels good if you have the time to volunteer somewhere. I wish you better days ahead. And one thing I know for sure, it does get better. ((())) (and tomorrow is Wednesday - Bonus!) :)

Bravo Rainycreek !!! You had me in stitches.

@Aftermom, maybe this reflection may help you?
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/loss-of-connection-does-not-mean-loss-of-love

@Rainycreek, You had me laughing out so loud. I echo what fraininseattle posted.
you really have a knack for expressing things! I might have to print out your post for entertainment! It'll give me something to laugh at. HILARIOUS!
Thank you so much.
B.