Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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avmom 04/16/2017

It has been 5 weeks since I lost my husband of 20 years. Somedays it feels like forever since he has here and somedays it feels like just yesterday. I have been able to handle somme of the bigs things. I have cleaned out his closet, cleaned out his man cave and dispensed his personal items amongst our sons. It the small things that I find so hard to go through. I have two tubs of receipts and old paystubs I have to shred. I just keep looking at it and wondering when I will ever go through it. I feel in a way I need to purge to be able to get through each day but I find myself never finding the motivation.

I know this is new to me and sometimes I feel like I am still in shock but I feel I need this process to move along. I know I am very impulsive and need instant gratification. But this I have no control over and it really sucks. I find myself reaching out less to my friends because I a tired of talking about my loss. Can't we ever have a converstion where we can talk about anything else?

My sister is a therapist and the other day she told me I needed to make up my mind what I wanted. One minute I am upset because no one at work acknowledged my loss and the next I am upset because that is all people talk about. But these days that is how my mind works. I am even afraid of driving because my mind wanders, I almost got in an accident the other day because I just zoned out. It is like I have no control of my mind or emotions.

blonderoots 04/16/2017

It is so early in your grief process. Be gentle with yourself. I think it is very "normal" to be a bit or even a lot crazy for a while. It has been seven months since I lost my beloved husband. Sometimes it feels like he just died (like today), and other times it feels like he's been gone forever. I am concerned that if you purge him from your life, you will regret it. There is no hurry. Take time to grieve. Again, be gentle with youself. Allow yourself to feel your loss and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps....

vwidow 04/16/2017

Hi av, I'm concerned you're that distracted. Maybe it's yourself saying you need to slow down and forget about the physical things and what others are doing and consider what YOU'RE feeling and focus on what's happened instead of running from it?
Right now I'm on here but I've procrastinated doing my taxes and I can't seem to pick them up and start. I don't know why. But I have to, like NOW. Try to be gentle with yourself.....see you.

vwidow 04/16/2017

Actually I was this way for about 2 months. My husband died 10 weeks ago. I read it is "normal" to be absent - minded and kind of wandering around disoriented early on. And full of tears. So allow yourself to go through whatever you are. One thing totally unlike me is I left my book bag at work on a Fri. and didn't realize til I got to work Mon. that I had done it. It had my gate pass in it.

scouserboots1 04/17/2017

It has been a little over four years since my wife passed away, and there remain many things I need to do. Yes, the smaller things can be the hardest to face to let go of, and only this year was I able to empty some drawers of little items that I will never use, and that would have meant zero to anyone else, so I let them go. The smallest of things, even a paperclip is a mountain to climb, it doesn't matter, it is all hard to face.

Very early on I was told to take things with "baby steps" and that is what I have been doing, sometimes with giant strides when feeling more able to, but baby steps helps a lot.

AfterMom 04/17/2017

At 5 weeks I was still in deep shock, even though I had some large crashes with reality.
I just hit 2 years and have not emptied his closet or dealt with any of his significant personal belongings.
(I had serious health issues for the first 1 1/2 year)
So, give yourself a whole lot of credit for taking some huge steps,, not baby ones.

AfterMom 04/17/2017

PS, regarding your therapist-sisters admonition that you "need to make up your mind what you want", I am sorry, but what we want or need, on any given day through grief, will change all the time! You are not adjusting to a calculated decision which can be made. This is an inner battle within your heart, mind, and soul. The terrain changes all the time. What "works" for you, and what is hurtful , will alternate all the time too. heck, it would change for me from AM to PM at first.

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