It is a big surprise, how little anyone understands.

Ten months is not a long time. Take as long as you need. Everyone's grieves differently and your children may be far along in their grieving process and believe you may also be far along. My children still live with me so they are with me daily. My dad passed away 6 years ago and I call my mom daily. I truly understand where she is....she still misses him. Were your children distant before their dad passed? It may be just what they're used to. Not an excuse but just what they know. You may need to tell them what you need from them .

At 18 months something shifted for me in the last month. At 10 months I was basically where you are. Your right your grown children dont get what you are going through. The loss of a spouse is one of life's most painful experiences. Wishing you peace. Gerald.

Its been almost 3 yrs for me and I feel the same as you. My son and I don't even talk about it. I feel so lonely and they are right next door. Not much visiting or talking happening................ just like it was before he died. They probably think I'm doing great.
I also hate this new life I'm in.

To keepmovin...
My sons and I were pretty close.. They just don't get it!
Janice

I understand and feel very much the same way. My husband died January 4th 2014. My sons and I were by his side. While I realize that my sons have their own lives with wives and families, I would love a little extra consideration during this difficult time. I have spoken to each of them nicely about my "new needs" and advocate for myself --- which is a new behavior for me, but they still don't call or visit or invite me over as much as I would like. I do keep busy, and stay active with work and friends etc. but I really need and want my family right now! It's very frustrating.

Janice, I became good friends here with jbsix and she had the same situation with her 4 adult children. She became very ill and said one who lived nearby "didn't have time to take her to the emergency room". I was appalled. Her husband passed away in 2008 (same as mine) and they didn't pay much attention at all to her need for grief support. She had a daughter who lived several hrs. away who seemed to visit her more and give her needed attention than those closer. I think because parents have taken care of all life's problems and upheavals up to the time of becoming widowed, grown children feel we can handle this the same way. They don't realize the great shock and trauma we have suffered, and that it takes a very long time to get through it. Sadly, Jerrie passed away from cancer 2 yrs. ago - and while she was ill with that her kids finally came thru for her. They told her they couldn't face "home" without dad and just didn't realize that their absence was so hard on her. Your children probably don't want you to be partying, they just want you to "handle it" as you have done in the past. Would a letter help express to them things you may not want to say?
Hugs, Doye

Hi Janice. Having a close relationship with your sons should make talking with them about what you need easier. Sometimes I would wish I just didn't have to ask for something or tell someone what I needed. I felt like they should already know. But I was wrong....like you said some just don't get it and we need to clue them in .

I don't think they CAN understand until they feel it themselves. I"ve buried both parents and had to keep going because of my wife and kids. Now....I could bury my parents a hundred times a week and it would not compare to losing my wife. I didn't get it then, but it's all to real now.

Although my kids still live at home, I feel like they expect me to always be strong. It's like they're not sure what to do with me if I cry. I'm trying to explain my feelings but it's not always well received.

The reality is that they can`t understand losing your spouse if they haven`t gone through it just as I could not understand losing your father as I have not lost my parents. We are all grieving and hurting. I really don`t think that they are being that way just because they don`t care.
When I first lost my husband, family members would ask my Daughter how I was doing but never ask her how she was doing.. The focus was put on me for having lost my husband. People tend to forget that the children have lost someone yet do not receive the attention and support that the spouse does. It`s all about coping.

I read some of these comments and in a few weeks it will be 4 years my life changed unexpectedly.

And on 5 acres and my place I do the irrigation, feed the horses, my dogs, water the plants, I am now President of the local Lions club (all way older than me), and I fix things as I can, cry when I can't and I just say IS THIS ALL THERE IS TO LIFE NOW? And wish there was some way I could change things but still have no clue how. I do not want to move anywhere new and start all over but am stymied here.....widowhood is just not that great....I guess what I have read seems to say the same.

It's so sad that so many of us are going thru the same thing.
My aunt would always tell me that her mom, my grandmother who passed before I was born would always say "Alone like a stone" even though she had 7 children. Everytime I think of what she said, it reminds of the saying about how a mother can take care of maybe 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of one mother.
Sad but true!
Janice

You are probably hearing this many times, but a person cannot fully understand your pain and loss unless they have traveled your journey.

Society seems to have expectations of "when" we are supposed to be OK, and "how". Unfortunately only other widows and widowers will.

Don't expect so much out of those around you. You are who you are, and you feel what you feel.

I always get annoyed when someone asks how long my husband has been gone, and in the next breath "Are you dating?". It seems to be an expectation right along with the expectation of becoming pregnant after you are married. There isn't a rule book, and if there is I have not seen it.

Keep the faith. Debbie

I understand what you say..I am lost without my Kate...but I have a son who needs me...although there are times when I just want to sleep forever...little steps forward my friend..your DS family understand and support you ..

Lawrence