I spent a lot of time today thinking about how lost I have felt these past months since Leonard died. Since he died I have not recognized myself at all. I struggled to recognize any part of me that still existed prior to his death and could not no matter how much I wanted to feel any semblance of the me that existed before. And I still don't see me yet. But something happened today that shifted inside of me....a subtle change in myself. I realized I should stop looking to regain the person I was before Leonard's death because I understand that there is no way to go back to that person. But at the same time, for the first time, I felt that maybe, just maybe the new me did not have to be destined to a lifetime of just existing. I want to LIVE...not just exist. I am forever changed with the loss of Leonard but I believe I can survive and adapt to this new me and that I want to make the new me the best me that I possibly can. I know that is what Leonard would want and I believe if he were able to talk to me he would say what the hell Sheila, you cannot give up on life. I wouldn't. And he wouldn't. So I won't. For Leonard. This is me now and I need to do what it takes to be the me that Leonard would be proud of. I am so thankful for this site and everyone on here who has shared their losses, their hopes and offered their support. I read each and every post and although I may not have something to contribute to each of them, I have taken away kernels of truth and wisdom and understanding from you all. We all share a common bond. And even if we do not have real life connections to each other on a physical level, we are all emotionally connected through our common experience of loss. My sincerest wishes for clarity and comfort to you all.
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