Time heals most wounds. Try to do something new that your wife was not interested in. For me, I got an extra piercing in my ears after Joe died because HE did not approve!

I never had to conjure up the tears - the sadness came when it came, and I dealt with it as was appropriate for whatever time and place it was.

I think you should let it come naturally - not force it, and don't overly suppress it. Like Comfortablynumb, I also set aside time where I knew it was "safe" to cry if I needed to. And I had counseling which also helped.

I have never understood why anyone would want to push themselves into the crying. I am over 5 years out, and I have seen people that became addicted to being the suffering widow/er - obsessed with their grief beyond what was needed. It's a bit scary when you encounter that. It's pretty rare, but it does happen.

Every relationship is as unique as the people that are/were in it, so the grief that comes from each loss will be different. How much you cry, when you cry, where you cry, and why you cry are all individual circumstances. Do what is right for you, follow your heart.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

cliffskat. Thank you for posting this:

"... I have seen people that became addicted to being the suffering widow/er - obsessed with their grief beyond what was needed. It's a bit scary when you encounter that. It's pretty rare, but it does happen."

I, too, have seen this,,,and it scares me, indeed !!

I totally get Martha's and Maxine's point of view ... anything carried to extremes is unhealthy and in this instance scary! However ... I was brought uo to keep my feelings to myself. I was taught that life is full of difficulties and I just had to buck up and deal with them. Indeed, my mother often told me that my grandmother would tell her that whenever anyone asked her how she was doing, to always say "I'm fine" ... that those people really didn't want to know how she was. Well, I've been saying "I'm fine" my entire life ...to everybody under every circumstance! Not healthy! Everybody always tells me how happy I always am ... how strong I am ... nobody ever sees when there is pain on the inside. After my husband died, I built a steel vault around my feelings. I appeared calm on the outside but was falling to pieces & screaming on the inside. Sometimes I even fooled myself! And I couldn't cry. No bueno! I know how important it is to let myself feel, cry, scream, work through the pain, feel my loss. Otherwise, I'll never retrieve any sort of life for myself. But tears don't come naturally to me. So, I am doing things purposely at times that I know will make me cry ... listen to special love songs, read my husband's memorial book, look at pictures, read the sympathy cards again, etc. I need to cry! I have no intent of wallowing in grief for years ... indeed I must allow the pain to surface so that I won't be in the same place 5 years from now. I am also seeing a grief counselor at our local hospice and am involved with a grief support group. And I gathered the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and come here to share my feelings and experiences with you because I know you do care how I'm feeling. Just wanted to share a different perspective.

@BobsAngel - I do understand what you're saying. I was always viewed as a strong person, the go-to person at work, the public person in the family, etc., and like you was taught to never cry in public. Losing Cliff changed all that. It broke down all the barriers, all the "must nots" that had been ingrained in me from the time I was a little girl. It was a real challenge to limit the amount of weeping I did at the office. I worked in a government law office, and was fairly high profile. Weeping in the hallway could sometimes mean bumping into the mayor or a city councilman with your make-up askew and a snotty nose. Not real professional looking, is it? But things like that did happen.

What I found for me personally was that the grief burned off layer upon layer upon layer of protective armor and perhaps pretense, too. My feelings were raw, but at least they were honestly mine.

People who had never seen me cry were often unnerved by it. But luckily and unexpectedly, others stepped forward and became my heroes and angels, offering hugs and kleenex when needed.

I had counseling through an Employee Assistance Program, and got counseling for both of my sons as well. It is extremely difficult to know how to not lose it entirely when you think you "must not" lose control. In my case because of my upbringing and responsibilities, in my sons' cases because of things people had told them they "must not" do because they were supposed to be brave, strong, and the men of the house now that their Dad was dead. That was all BS of course, and counseling helped each of us see more clearly what was right, and appropriate for us and our circumstances.

I think Marsha was the one who once referred to her grief as like an onion - with layers. I always thought that was an apt description.

I am glad you decided to come here and share. It will help. It helped me enormously to work through this.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I can relate to all of you!!! Some days I feel I am doing better, then all of a sudden when I am feeling strong I see my husband's passing and it just hits me all over again.

Even though it all sounds so cliche` grief is truly a process and its very individual. We are all unique in different ways, and although we will all have commonalities, the way we process our emotions is diverse. Trying to reconstruct and understand why it happened in our lives is a continual question...and one we may never have an answer to (just like life after death) it has a mystical property to it.

We can only try to pull ourselves together and try to continue to have a decent and productive life again as we owe it to ourselves. As I move forward I see that this pain will always be with me, but I want to remember the love and joy that my Husband brought me, and how he changed my life. I hope that he will be waiting for me when its my time to pass from this world so I can once again hold him, but I know that he would want me to continue with strength, and to find happiness and joy again in my life.

Wishing all of you strength, and some small joy in your daily lives!

Susan

This is why I love this site, even now I continue to see and learn after being here since 2007. Our responses are true, for us, with our life experiences and emotions. We share so honestly and respectfully and reading others thoughts help me see a much larger answer to all questions.

I was told not to cry and expected to be the strong, capable, oldest child. I tried my best to fill that role set for me even in my grief. I failed in the arena of grief! I couldn't hold it together and it complicated my grief tremendously.

After seeking counselling, I learned it was okay to be me and if I needed to cry it wasn't weakness or a lack of faith. In fact, I learned it took great strength to allow that suit of armor to fall away.

Do cry when you need to, and be strong when you need to. Be you even now. Sharon

I think because I drove 53 miles to work many times alone in my car it made when I drove easier but when I drive the pickup I feel his presense and at first I just had to cry.....NOW after 2 yrs 7 months I have made that pup MINE as I no longer have to adjust the seat put in seat covers etc that were definitely ME.....

I think you have to feel what you feel thats a part of healing and going on - and I still get sad but the crying has diminished

It has been 2 yrs now since Dave has been gone, I still cry and much of that is in the car on the way to or from work. I think that is for me because of two reasons, first it is the only really private place I have where I can guarantee there will be no interuptions, and second it is usually a song that comes on the radio that triggers the tears. Now they are not earth shattering tears where I am about the wreck the car or anything, but if a person would take the time to look in at the driver they would see an ocean of tears streaming down my face, a woman grieving her husband. Once I arrive home I wipe my tears and go in the house to be mom once again. What choice do I have, that is what I am, mom, a mom who has to be strong for her kids.

For me.... I cry when the feeling comes....but I do not seek out the feelings - if I think something is going to make me sad...I try to switch gears. Like the other night I went to a birthday party with my friend and her husband. There was a great band playing and we were all dancing with the birthday girl... then they played a slow dance and I was very sad because I missed my wonderful dance partner. So, I stayed for a little while then left because it was just too difficult to see married couples dancing and me alone. I cried a little on my drive home but when I got home I got busy... got on DS and read and responded to a few posts, journaled a bit and then went to bed thankful for the beautiful comfortable home my sweetheart left for me. I guess what I am saying is I feel the emotions but don't nurse sadness. I have sad moments but not sad DAYS -when I get busy, I get better. Thats just me...we all have to find our way to greive/