Suppressing tears is missing an opportunity to cleanse the emotional pallet and mentally process the enormous task of grieving a loved one. Don't miss the opportunity to cry- you'll be a lot more mentally stable when you don't stuff your feelings down where they will fester into much less tolerable emotions to be regurgitated and perhaps at an even less appropriate time.

*so it's been my experience.

It happened to me on Valentines day on the way to work. I just had to pull over and cry.

I agree 100% with flwgrl reply. I actually prefer moments when I am in the car or by myself someplace to cry. The tears are a huge part of the healing process and if you suppress them always they will come out in a manner far less healthy.. I read in one book your tears are a way of honouring the love you had for your spouse. Nothing wrong with that. Thats just my spin on it.

My husband usually did the driving. It is hard for me to sit in the driver seat of the old car early on. I cried every day in the car missing him holding my hand and our chats on the way to work and back. I gave the car to his brother and got myself a new car with the insistence of my daughter. I cried less now and shorter period of time.

Neither...

There"IS" no better way. If you are driving your car...there is one way that is better for you at a given moment on a given day. If I am driving my car...there is one way that is better for me at a given moment on a given day. What is better for you or for me is as individual as each and every person here.

For some people it is so so important to "fall into" the grief and "work through" it over and over and over again until after lots and lots of time you get to a place that you are ready to rebuild. That was me, (by the way).

For others, pushing it aside and not facing it is the way that works for them. They may have a couple really really big floods someday and that cleanses them and they keep moving.

Yet for others they never grieve at all and ten years later they realize that they are suffering from a horrible depression and upon going for therapy realize that it is the hidden grief way under the surface that needs to come out and be acknowledged for them to ever work through the depression.

So...sorry...there is not and never WILL be a "one size fits all" with grief.

By the way...when I am in the car...my husband is often sitting there next to me talking to me..."not physically...but it spirit." And THAT works for me.. But I am almost 4 years down the road now so the gut wrenching pain part is gone....

big hugs to you as you figure out what works best for you.

-Diana

Expressing your mourning verbally, emotionally is an important part of processing your grief. Bypassing it, or stuffing your feelings down, is very unhealthy, and it is not a sign of strength.

Having said that, whenever possible, plan when you can allow yourself uninterrupted time of being deeply in touch with what you feel, set aside some time for just letting go, perhaps while you are at home, looking through your family photos, videos, etc.

This way you can honor your feelings and fully express your grieving crying, perhaps screaming, without jeopardizing yours or someone else safety.

Another thing, many of us still have to continue working, and it is wise to have your time emerging into your emotions outside of your work. I consider my crying is my private time, when I am letting pain to surface, and by crying I unburden my heart, and cleanse my soul.

The best place is in a privacy of your home, at the therapist's office or perhaps, in your friend"s house, your church, at a grief recovery meeting. Besides being able to express your pain , you also get comfort there, understanding and validation of your feeling instead of stare and disapproval if this happens in a middle of some important job function. Let's face it, the empathy of your boss and your co-workers will wear out as time passes by.
Because I somehow managed to separate it from my work, everyone thought very highly about my ability to be professional, called me very "strong" ( little the knew the real depth of my lamenting at that time). It was ironic and even somewhat amusing to hear their admiration of my "strength" .
Hope this helps.

Hi MJ,
the car is where I cry quite often. I still work and for whatever reason, its where I think of Don a lot. Driving to & from work. It seems to help me . I do not usually sob and become upset, instead it's just peaceful and I remember and think of our life we had together. Lovely memories.
It seems to help me, Lucy

I cried in the car often, I would pull over and sob my heart out. Wasn't planned, just triggered by something.....

I also cried, and screamed, in the shower. Now THAT helped!!!

The tears have to come out, you are grieving. So I say, let them flow.

The worse places for me are the car & shower. I have cried so much I don't think its helping at all, it just makes me feel worse.
It is almost like picking a scab, but its something we can hardly help from doing.
IMO, I say try not to think so much.

I lost my wife a week ago, I cry everyday, and I don't suppress it when it happens. I feel that it is the best way to deal with the grief.

MJ.
I am totally with you, i think.
if you are like me, you are not suppressing your feeling, you just are not choosing to go there. I could cry if i want to, but i don't want to. i don't think it makes me a bad person to not cry and i am not avoiding my grief. i still get sad and i think about my wife every day. i personally had not had a good cry in a few months, but it hit me this last weekend and i let it go. i think you will know when it comes ... in my opinion, you don't need to 'force the sadness'. it is going to come anyways, like it or not so why do it again is my thinking :). When I was overwhelmed and compelled to cry, i cried, but i have not put myself intentionally into a state of sadness. i know many others will disagree with me, but reading your post reminded me of my own griefing process and i wanted you to know you are not alone in that thinking.

jnsreese,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife in an accident on Feb 3. I'm not talking about suppressing grief. What I wonder is whether to force a mild sadness into tears. Another example, I go to the garage, the leaf blower was my wifes favorite toy. I can look at the leaf blower,feel some sadness, grab the tool I was looking for and go on. Or I can stop, stare at the leaf blower and start crying. What I am wondering is which is best for healing. If I go on about my business am I suppressing? If I stay in the garage when I don,t need to am I wallowing? I,m confused.

I have unexpected tsunamis of tears now and then...usually something "little" brings them on. Weeping is cleansing and healing for me...but then I go on with what needs to be done. I can feel profoundly sad without wallowing...because I know my husband wouldn't want me to stay miserable.

I agree 100% that holding back your emotions, and that is including tears, is dangerous for your health. I was told this not only by my grief counseler, my hospice worker and my primary care physican. Those people who don't 'mourn' or feel and release their grief have a much harder time because of the delay.

I'm not saying you need to reduce to losing all control in public, but in your safe place crying is necessary. My suggestion is to speak to your doctor or a therapist he recommends. Sharon

Widowdad,
You described exactly what I am talking about.
MJ