My husband was my best friend since I was thirteen. I was sick and still deal with Reflex Sympathetic dystrophy daily He took me to all of my surgeries, treatments and helped me decide what I was willing to try in an effort to get better. His could not have been a better Dad to our three year old son.

I have guilt because I went to bed with our son when I could have waited a half and hour to see him after work. He texted in the morning that he was feeling good and I never asked him what was going on. He died in our living room that night. I let my best friend down that night and will never forgive myself for not asking why he didn't feel good.

A part of me knows he is out of pain and in heaven with our family. I know he is so disappointed that he will not be here to help rise our son.

Another part is really pissed that he left. I know it wasn't his choice but I am terrified to be alone and rising my son by myself. I don't have my best friend to talk and laugh with. Now that he left what the hell is going to happen to me and my son? Who can I talk to about my son with without boring them. I am becoming someone I never thought I could be. I still live second to second or I'll will freak out. For the most part I think I like this stronger woman I am slowly becoming.

I lost my job of 23 years because I was too depressed to go back. I figured out the Social Sercurity Benefits, know how to apply food stamps, and allow people to help me now which is hard to do because I think it's embarrassing to ask for help.

The last thing I need to do is go to court on behalf of my husband, and then there is nothing to worry about. All the work is done...

What do i do now? I have been so stressed and after the court date what will I have to freak out about?:

I have made the decision to be home with my son until September when I can get full time school. The Doctors have said that I should not change his school because he has lost so much in his little life time. Besides I would be super concerned about anyone but my family watch him. But they are all working so I'm staying home and healing with him to ensure to come out of this together.

I have started thinking about dating and feel so guilty. My husband and I told each other that we would never date anyone if one of us died. I'm only 42 and at some point will want someone to care for. I could i be thinking about this?!?

I guess I'm still confuse since it's only been five month since he left. I know we all say this, i never though he would die before he was 50. Why are my thoughts this way? I love him, hate him, and can't wait for him to just come home. I know understand that will never happen again and it's crushing.


I'm lost and just rampling....Thanks for listening.