I am learning there is no other side or pushing through grief
Grief is not something you complete or push through.
You endure
It is not a task to finish and move on
But an element of yourself
an alteration of your being
a new way of seeing a new definition of self and maybe family

Good luck

Nana, come back if you need us. I have found my emotions have see-sawed, like the tide coming in and out. I stayed away for a while and then found I needed to touch base again. Good luck and God bless on your future journey.

Hey Nana,
I hear what your saying. While going thru this, and I have a ways to go, I keep thinking that no matter if I have a good day or bad day my wife Linda is in the same place and just as happy as I would be to be there. My grieving is in great part missing her but in some reapsect it also takes on a flavor of feeling sorry for myself. When I focus upon the fact I will see her again when it's time I seem to do better. I can deal with being by myself if need be but we all need people to. Just so they are the right ones. I will keep you in my prayers and I want to wish for you a life of peace. Take care.
Peace, Tim

tim57, I agree there's an element of self pity in this grieving process, and frankly, it pisses me off. I'm not the sort of person to go around saying, "Oh, woe is me!" I don't want to wallow in self pity any more at ALL!

Our lives are what we make of them. We can choose to dwell on the grief or do exactly what nana said. It doesn't mean we won't love and honor our fallen spouses forever, but it does mean we can choose to make the most of what we have left.

I'm certain that our spouses would not want us to suffer forever. I can tell from our posts that we loved and were deeply loved in return. No way would our loves want us to ruin the rest of our days in grief.

Like nana wrote, the future is what we build for ourselves.

Its been getting better for me since I joined all of you. Your careing and insight have been very helpful.
Since my Maria's passing in Feb., I have been keeping myself busy. I still have my moments, and I guess I always will. But you have all given me strength.

Thank You All,

Jon.

I agree nano- that at least some part of learning to move away from grief is a conscious choice. There are times though, when grief seems to sucker punch you right in the stomach. I don't seem to have much control in those moments. Maybe, with time, there will be fewer of those moments and my recovery from them will be better. I hope so.

Sucker punch it right back! When I feel those waves coming, I get fighting mad. I can't say I always win, but it's working more often than not. We're all different, so we each have to figure out what works, but I just don't have enough years left to waste them in self pity and anguish!

This doesn't mean I don't love and miss my wife. Oh my lord, I do, I'm just not going to let grief cripple me to the point where I waste the precious gift of life. I'm tired of just treading water! I plan to swim for shore.

First of all nana....I want to wish you all the luck in the world on your new journey.
Secondly, I'd like to thank you for what you've contributed to this site and hope you'll still peek in on us now and again.
You ask when will the mourning stop? Then you say....It will stop when we want it to.....Wow! Brilliant nana! So few words...such a huge meaning!
It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from the movie The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy is getting ready to go home in the air balloon with the wizard. The wizard inadvertently takes off without her and she is devastated. She believes that she's stuck in Oz forever and will never see her family again. Glinda the good witch shows up and Dorothy gets so excited with hope that she will help her get home....

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda, the Good Witch: You dont need to be helped any longer. Youve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didnt you tell her before?
Glinda, the Good Witch: Because she wouldnt have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

See? That's us everyone....we have to learn how to get home by ourselves...we've always had the power....we just have to learn how to use it. It's in your mind and in your heart.

Like nana says.....the mourning will stop when we want it to...it's a unique decision to each of us and it should be....

We will never forget, we shouldn't forget and we will never stop loving but we have the power in ourselves to make it better. We don't have to stay stuck in Oz forever. You my friends have had the power all along. Just like Dorothy, you have to learn it for yourselves....
Love and peaceful strength to all

Darcie

Ok, so maybe I am the odd man out (or woman), but to say this mourning will end when we want it to seems so very wrong to me. It is a process, a journey whatever you want to call it. There is no way "I" choose to continue suffering. I cannot just decide ok this is enough! Oh don't think I haven't tried. I am hoping to get through this, but I don't have a switch that can just be turned off and on. I spent forty years with the love of my life. I will always love him, I am still in love with him. Yes keeping busy is a great distraction, but when I am alone with my thoughts, good and bad I always think of him, how could I not? We were one and then ripped apart. So nothing, absolutely nothing can ever be the same. Yes, I have many blessings that I am so thankful for, but this new "stage" of my life is totally foreign to me. I will make the adjustments, I still have hope, but had it been so simple to say I want it to stop, I would never have suffered these last eleven months like I have. Hugs and Love to all, Michele

Thank you nana, we look forward to the next "peek in" from you. God bless and keep you safe this year. Much love and big hugs carla

Michele....
I don't mean to say that the mourning will "end" in the truest sense of the word...but there comes a point in which we need to learn to live with the loss and still strive for a happy productive life. We owe it to ourselves and we owe it to our lost loves.
I was with Ira for 40 years too and he was my everything! I will always love him and still do too! No, there is not a switch to turn off and on but there comes a time where we need to look for an outlet to at least plug the grief into and put it on low. It will never turn off but it needs to stop being all consuming. Don't you think I think of Ira every single day too? Of course I do but I try to change those thoughts to positive memories. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I know how hard that you've been trying to deal with your loss. I've been here almost as long as you. You have come a long, long way. Grief and healing of one person can't be compared to another. Everyone is different on this journey but no one ever completely heals from it.
I just wanted to throw it out there for the people that are ready and willing to accept it that there is hope for a "happy" future albeit a different kind of "happy". Nothing will compare to our past "happy" and nothing should. I loved Ira to the ends of the earth and always will, but I'm sorry...I'm not going to let his death put an end to me enjoying life to it's fullest. I've been knocked down and have suffered just like you and everyone else on this board but I choose to crawl back on to my knees, stand up and find another "happy".
And let me add that Ira would be disappointed in me if I did any less than that! I know that for a fact!
My wish for everyone here is to find the strength, love and power deep within yourself that you need to carry on to the best of your ability on this life altering journey. That was the whole point of Dorothy realizing that she always had the power....she just had to learn it for herself!
Darcie

Michelle, you are still a very new widow. I have been one for a little over 2 years. In fact, I just realized I just went through my husband's 3rd birthday since he died. When I was at the stage you are in, I held on tight to my grief. It took me a long time to get to this point. I've heard people say that one day the sun just started shining brighter, and things seemed clearer. It works that way for me. You should mourn how ever long you need to. Don't listen to everything I say, but do what works for you. I have nights where I still cry, and I think of all the things we still wanted to do, but now I smile. I laugh when I remember Bob's sheepish grin when he tripped over the pool sweeper and fell into the pool. I remember he so sweet smile as he reached for my hand. He was a tough guy, so that was very special. The other day, I saw a wedding picture where we were signing the marriage license. He looked down at me as I wrote, and looked so in love. I remember that newly wed feeling. It can be bittersweet, but I can move forward now, and smile. I am ready. You will know when you are ready.

I think depending on where you are in your life Nana has said things that some can accept and agree with. Her words at true for them and very helpful. I can relate to the thought change of making a decision to move past the sadness.

However, if said to me the earlier days of losing Don I probably would have reacted as Michele. Grief is not a light switch. Nana knows that. We don't turn it on or off we learn to focus on the treasures and honor the loss as best we can. For a long time I was uncapable of more than getting through the day. And that is where I needed to be. But the time did come where I had hope once again for a life and happiness. Thank you Nana for showing us that hope that will come to us in it's own way. Sharon

I think my switch must be broken :) The electrician said he can't help me, he also said I gotta figure it out myself. So scoot over Michele, I smuggled in a tiny LED key chain light -- hope you have some spare batteries for us cause I seem to have forgotten those -- damn widow's fog anyway!Have a blessed day everyone ~~~ Scottie

I was thinking about this just a few days ago. I wanted to stop the mourning and thought about switching it off. I seemed doable but I wasn't quite there yet. It did give me hope that some day I will get there. ((Hugs))