I'm at over 3 years, and it's the little things. He changed the shower head, not long before he died, and I don't want to change it. He cut the grass the weekend before, even though he was weak, he wanted to get it done, so when I cut the grass the first few times, I cried, now I use it as "us" time.

Paula

Do these thoughts pop into your mind less frequently as time goes on? Or are the thoughts still frequent and the pain that accompanies them less?

No, & yes! @ 4 years 6 months & 14 days I still think about her. the memories are happy memories & bring a smile to my face. After, what I call the 'year of firsts' (first anniversary, birthday, Christmas), it got better. Hang in there, it does get better & easier.

6 months, it is actually a little worse lately. Saw the therapist from the Cancer Center (still).. and she was not surprised I had hit a particularly rough spot. We talked about how grief can "still" be like the roller coaster... and she said the important thing is on the big dips.. to start back up. She said that I will probably "never" get over him, but that with time I will be happy and able to look back and remember all the good years. Triggers, little things. So much I haven't delt with yet. I'm doing it in my own pace, my own time. Yes, it is hard.

Yes, it does get less painful as time passes. For me, I will NEVER not think of my Joe when I walk outside. Our whole 2 and a half acres is like his fingerprint. We bought a jungle and cleared the vines, thorny bushes, scraggly trees, etc by hand with hand tools. No tractor, no large machinery. Just our two hands. This became OUR homesite.

I look out at what was his garden now. It is just as he left if before he got sick. Now it has not been planted for about 5 years when he became sick. For a long time, it was like a knife in my heart when I would look at it and think how WRONG it was that there wasn't a pretty gardent there planted by him. Now as I look at it, I remember the GOOD memories, like when he unexpectedly had to work late (in the hot summertime), I would go out and water the garden for him so that when he came home he wouldn't grieve that he hadn't watered the garden. He would look at my amazingly and say something like, "You did that for ME?" Oh, honey, thank you!!!'
I'm remembering the sweetness and the joy that we had. I'll never not be sad that it is over, but I do find much joy in looking at pictures of our life together and the real things he did in and around the house for us. I'll never move from him. This is something I will NOT have taken from me! Yes, it does get better. I sympathize with those of you who are newly widowed. It seems like it will never get better. But it will. In time. Your job right now it to HANG ON and wait for some time to pass. You will have a different life without your loved one, but it can be a pretty good life. I wish you the very best. May you find the peace you need.

I hear your pain; I was there once. I used to hate it when people told me that I'd be better in time so I won't say that to you. Just know that every year is different. The pain morphs into a more manageable pain, thank goodness. That's all we can expect, but it's a relief. Be kind to yourself.

Just over a year and a half without my fella, and my simple answer to you is "yes". I still live in our home of 35 years (after being married for 48 years) and the familiar things are actually bringing me comfort now and solace and make me smile gently at the memories they evoke. Time...I didn't believe it at first, but it will make all the difference. (((((((MJ46)))))))

Marilyn

Yes, there will come a time when you will look at that tree and smile, remembering when and how it was planted, maybe you will even feed the birds that are enjoying its shade. And that picture on the wall - it will remind you of a good time, and it will make you happy. Yes, Happy. Really.

You will miss her the rest of your life, but time really does help us to heal, to go on with our lives. It is not the life we planned....but off we go ....because, otherwise, there is nothing.

I just passed the 6 year mark. In my experience, at times, remembering is still painful but it has also changed to a smile of a memory of something of his that was done or belonged to him. Its so new for you and your emotions are all over the place. Let yourself feel the pain and walk through it. Its the hardest thing you will ever do and even after 6 long years the grief still rears its ugly head from time to time but more so I have happy memories. I am so thankful for the time we had together but it took a while for me to get there. Its learning how to live with our loss.

"When hell freezes over!" LOL!

Sorry, I just had to reply for a second time when it popped in head -

Sometimes laughter can provide a reprieve from the grieve -

*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*

I have been away from the computer a couple of days, wall to wall relatives visiting. nice distraction, but also calling attention to my loss because my wife is missing from the group. Thanks to all of you for the thoughtful replies to my questions.
Martin