Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Another discussion here prompted me to start this thread.
Ok, we all know what many of the stupid, hurtful or "just plain WRONG" things that people say to a grieving widow/widower.
What are some of the RIGHT things to say? Do you remember what people said to you that comforted you, or just felt "right"? Or what you would have LIKED for them to say?
How about these:
"I am so sorry for your loss"
"We will all miss him/her"
Rather than say "call me if you need anything" how about saying (but only if you really mean it) "I will calkl you next week to see if you need anything" and then actually do it.
I know that people often feel helpless but they want to help, so I tried to think of specific things they could do, like I had one family take my dog to the vet, because I just could not deal with it.
People usually really do want to help they jsut need to know something concrete that they can do.
I know this is kind of rambling, please forgive me.
Ok, we all know what many of the stupid, hurtful or "just plain WRONG" things that people say to a grieving widow/widower.
What are some of the RIGHT things to say? Do you remember what people said to you that comforted you, or just felt "right"? Or what you would have LIKED for them to say?
How about these:
"I am so sorry for your loss"
"We will all miss him/her"
Rather than say "call me if you need anything" how about saying (but only if you really mean it) "I will calkl you next week to see if you need anything" and then actually do it.
I know that people often feel helpless but they want to help, so I tried to think of specific things they could do, like I had one family take my dog to the vet, because I just could not deal with it.
People usually really do want to help they jsut need to know something concrete that they can do.
I know this is kind of rambling, please forgive me.
Nothing else is going to matter to them.
At no other time are we so defenseless and emotionally weak as when we have just faced the death of our spouse. We can barely put two words together that make any sense much less provide someone with a 'help' list.
I am inserting an excerpt from one of my journal entries entitled 'Call If You Need Anything.' It would be so helpful to have a booklet handy for proper condolences (what a worthy project for a DS entrepreneur). Hopefully, the first chapter would be to educate those who innocently offer their assistance with that phrase.
*********
December 10, 2009
'I just read a post that mentioned that often-repeated phrase: 'Call if you need anything.' Maybe I'm just a little odd or too independent (very likely both), but I wince when I hear that phrase. It is well-meaning, but my immediate take on the phrase is "mechanical" or "token." Now, having said that, I hasten to add that the problem is not their desire to help, the problem lies within me and the filter with which that phrase passes through.
'I guess I'm learning first-hand about the truism "It's better to give than receive." Well, now I'm on the receiving end way too often for my liking, and I find it very difficult to ask friends and neighbors, and, yes, even family for help. Gee, I wish they would have said, 'I'll call you and see if you need anything,' but there again lies my problem and that filter thingie keeps getting in my way.
'Pride can be a terrific tool of defeat!'
*********
I'm not sure any condolence would have truly sufficed at the time. As I now look back on some offers or questions that really ticked me off, I realize they were made with good intentions. I think I was just down-right mad, and nothing could have been received in a good and healthy light. It took time for me to understand this frailty that surfaced at the time of my loss.
Still learning, TJ
I am bitterly disappointed with my family and friends, after my wife died, they all slink away to their own lives and forget us, even their God Parents. That feeling of being alone in it all makes you the person you don't want to be if you allow it, just a phone call, an invite round for just a few hours can be all that's needed, not regularly, not even weekly, just a little more often than never in the four years which have passed since my wife died.
Sorry to digress but it's all part of the same scenario, not making an effort to think about what you say, when you say it and who is being considered when it's said. I can totally relate to the foot in mouth confession, its so easily done, especially when you're young and not so familiar with people dying around you who you knew, I think the suggestion of just being there and listening is far more of a comfort than anything a considerate friend could muster up to say....A
TALK ABOUT HIM! He lived. He was/is my life. Don't deny me hearing his name.
Your comment is something we haven't mentioned lately, but you are so right. Being willing to bring up the carefree times of years gone by is good medicine. People tend to shy away from even mentioning the name of our spouse for fear it will be hurtful. Truth be told, it's exactly the opposite. We need to talk about them, hear their name, remember the good times, and even cry that tear. As you said, THEY LIVED!!!!! TJ
My thoughts only.
Kathleen
I want people to remember him and if they think that by mentioning him they are "reminding" me of my loss.....what are they-NUTS. I remember him every minute of every day. They could not possibly remind me of him as he is always present in my thoughts.
I also love it when people tell me how much my husband meant to them and what a good man he was. His partner told me in all the time he knew David, over 30 years, he never heard him say one bad word about me. That made my heart sing.