I can relate to so much of your post. My Bob only once talked about him dying and that was just to say that he didn't want to leave me, that he wanted our future. I also think that deciding to read more and volunteer more are honorable ways to spend ones life. However you are only 66....that is so much younger today than it was 20 years ago. I am afraid reading your post that you are giving up on life. Our husbands fought so hard to stay here it would be a shame to give up on our lives. I know that this is a very personal choice and I will offer you as much support as you need in whatever choice you make. But please don't count yourself out just yet. The one thing we can count on is not knowing what the future holds. I hope you are not offended by my responce.
Hugs to you
Cathy

If Charlie was focusing on death, I didn't know it and we didn't get to talk about it.

I am 66 also. Since Charlie died I have been focused on death. For almost 5 months I have felt like I don't belong here. I want to join him as soon as I can. Women in my family tend to live into their 90's, so I could be looking at a lot of years. I sincerely hope not. Finding a purpose for those years is the question.

Your plan sounds like it might be right for you. I hope it brings you peace.
Julie

Being still at the early stage of my grief, my focus is not quite in existance yet. Focus? What's that???

When Randy became sick and found he was dying, he began leaving me. When he came home from the hospital, I thought we would hold each other, express our undying love, blah, blah, blah. But as one of our kids told me, 'This is not a Nicolas Sparks story. He focused more on afterlife, his relationship with God and the physical dying. So I felt he was leaving before he ever died.

I have spent the last 9 months focusing on nothing but Randy, and us. I am 52. Not young, not old. But I am handicapped with the MS. Mobility is such a struggle. So just getting in and out of the car is hell. Shelby worries so much. But I don't want her to.She is supposed to be enjoying this last year of high school, and focus on that college she wants to go to 3 hrs away.

I am terrified of living alone. I haven't told the kids that, I tell them..."Oh pshh, I am going to be fine. I want to live on my own. I have waited many years for this and wish your dad was here with me...but solitude has it's own reward!" One day I may even convince myself of that. I do know I don't want to move from my apartment and I don't expect any of them to uproot their familes and come to me. I so don't want to live with any of the kids...been there done that "~"

I hear I am still young, may find love again. Again, I am still early in this process. But I do not see myself ever marrying again, getting used to another man. The thought turns my stomach. We have always told the girls, they don't need a man to be happy. I feel the same about myself. I have seen widows who we at peace, enjoyed life, their family and friends and been just fine. Even had men friends but not in any romantic form and they were fine. That is what I hope for. I want to be content, focus on being Grandma, and enjoy what is left of my life which could be a very long time.

I realize some widows/widowers get married again. My question is, could I actually do that again because my thought is that when you marry, you are signing up to be a widow or make someone else a widower. That to me is like repeating this painful process all over again. The flip side of that though is thank God for the second chance at love and sharing a life. I am just not there , myself. So I am taking the selfish road and focusing on me

I can absolutely relate. I think each and every one of us has to make a decision as to where we will head--and for every one of us it will be different. I think we come to a point that we begin to realize that our life is not altogether about the here and now--there is so much more to consider--and it's important to follow our heart--and our instincts. As we get older I think it's natural to start thinking more about the afterlife--and after losing our partner in life it's even more natural. I don't think it means we want to stop living--it just means we recognize there is something more to look towards. I think I am kind of in the same place you are--feeling a need to seek spiritual stability--and a closer walk with God. I haven't had a desire to have another relationship--I would have to feel that God put someone in my path purposely to consider something like that--and if that were the case I guess I wouldn't rule it out---but I don't see it in my future. I just want to find out what my purpose for still being here is and then do my best to fulfill it. Hugs

I'm glad you brought this up. I have never actually thought of following the path to my death through readying myself for it. I think that is a very interesting idea.

Our lives and thoughts are constantly in a state of flux (our rollercoaster ride here proves THAT), so I think your idea of "focusing on the last part" of your life is valid. In the meantime, should someone else come to the fore and you click, you won't rule that out. We DO get choices and are faced with them everyday. Who knows?

Hugs,

Terry

Thanks, everyone, for your points of view. It really helps to hear from people who are in somewhat the same boat as I am.

Even as Joe lay dying on the hospital bed, my denial told me he would hang on....and on....and on....and I'd have him to take care of forever. But finally, his death came with me by his side. The reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks, especially when they put him on the stretcher to carry his body out to the van that would take him away from me forever.

Focusing has been an effort for me every since that day. I have received NO support from my daughter and her children. They are too busy FOCUSING on themselves. On the other hand, my son and DIL and grandson have embraced me very well and have been there for me. But I honor and respect their need for time alone without me, so I am very cautious to insist that they do some things without me.

My final focus will be on my journey to meeting God. I want to please him and be found acceptable in his sight when I come before him. The closer I draw to him, the more content I seem to be with my state in life. Those of you who wrote me give me comfort that I am still not alone. I have no other friends who are widowed except this group here. Thanks so much for all that you mean to me!

I remember reading an article a couple of years ago about convents. I am not a Catholic, but I thought it was interesting that the shift of who was becoming a nun was going from being young girls interested in serving God to mature women - there was a large increase in the number of women in their late 50's and beyond who wanted to join a convent and spend what remained of their lives away from the rest of the world, in the company of other women, and in spiritual contemplation. This was a problem for some of the convents because they were winding up with many much older and frail in health members without adequate resources to care for these women.

I think there are times when each of us would be tempted by that kind of life. If you thought you could get away from all the pain without hurting anybody else in the process, and at the same time do something commendable and acceptable in the eyes of God - well, I guess I could see the attraction of it.

Kathleen, I know you are NOT talking about running away to a convent and hiding from the world. My concern is whether you are giving up on the here and now. There are a thousand ways to spend your remaining years, and whatever it is that will bring you the greatest JOY is what is important. I just hope you are finding a balance between living and preparing.

Your spiritual path is your spiritual path, and what is right for you is what is right for you. For me, I know that there is no bargaining with God. I know that many believe that "if I do X number of good deeds, then God will reward me" but the love of God and the fear of God are not actually based on stacking up a list of accomplishments. I was trained to be a Sunday school teacher, and one of my trainers explained that it was similar to how he related to his earthly father - he hated displeasing his biological father not because he feared his wrath or because he wanted something in return, but because he loved him and hated making him unhappy. If what you are doing is done from your heart, then that is good. If, however, it is only for your own benefit - i.e., bargaining for a payoff later - you may not find the same peace with it.

I don't pray for myself anymore. I am happy to pray for others. If I try to pray for myself, it feels too much like bargaining to me. By the same token, if I spend too much time worrying about Heaven and the afterlife, I feel like I am not appreciating what God created here and it seems ungrateful to me. If you feel you are doing the right things from the love in your heart, your truest self, then that is what is right for you.

It is a tough balancing act not to live in the past and not to look too far into the future, to try to live today in the here and now, with an appreciation for the past and some kind of faith in a future and an eternity.

There is a quote that is one of my favorite sayings, from John Wesley, one of the founders of the Methodist Church:

"Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can."

I like that one, and Kathleen, it sounds like maybe that is what you are trying to do. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I can relate, although I am not focused on my death, I have it pretty much taken care of - from this end.
I feel that the only thing tying me to this earth is the love of my children, and if I didn`t have that I would just float like a half empty balloon up and away... G-

I can understand what your saying, Im 62 and I lost Craig Sept 2011 and he was my life . I find it hard to cope with so many things. I wonder why he never talked to me much about him leaving me. I had my son and family living with me for the last 8 months and that helped it gave me something to do . Now that their not here I just wish I went with my husband. I dont know what I'm going to do with my life just yet. I wish I had younger grandkids then I could give them the love . I hope when my time is here I have done enough for all those I love and that they know how much I loved them.
Hugs, hugs, for you and tomorrow will be a bit better.

I read the Bible because I want to experience God as personally as possible rather than a historical figure. From my heart I feel I can't possibley "be good enough" to make it to heaven. I don't think any human can, so I depend on His grace to accept me as His child. I try to honor him as I honored my parents here on earth as best I can.

Don lived 10 weeks from diagnoises of terminal lung cancer and we did talk about him dying, but from a someday perceptive. Our faith was the same that God had gifted us all of our life and life as we knew it would end with returning to the Heavenly Father.

I believe my upbringing and working in an Emergercy Dept. helped me understand that death was part of life. Transitioning back to the spirit was natural.

Where I fell in this was living without him. The loneliness, the fear, the denial, hit me hard. I guess my faith was strong, but living that belief was very hard. I struggled horribley as we all do, but the core belief I described won in the end. I focused on me. To be the best me that I could. I searched for a purpose that I enjoyed and that lead me into looking inward. Why did I work in a hospital, why did I attend church, why that church, and most important was "Who would love me at 60 years old?"

Those beliefs when I had to live them without Don took on a richer meaning. Head knowledge became heart knowledge. The work to love myself as God loved me not for what I did, but for who I am was mission number one. And that is the starting point to build on.

Sorry for taking so long, and if you skipped over most of it, that's okay. My therapy was in writting it, and I'm glad to have the chance to say it. Sharon

I always think it is a good idea to focus on yourself and what you can bring to the future. You are the only force you have control over! I am personally walking through everyday looking at my specific calling and responsibilities in life. I don't envision or seek out another mate. One gift from God was sufficient for me. I take each challenge as they come and look to what i am to do now. The next life is always calling us, so we should prepare for that, but we have time here to use wisely. Even if we have one week or one month we need to use it for all it is worth. Our preparation for the next life, I believe, involves using this life well. Blessings and peace to you! Darleen

Very interesting post and I can relate to so much of what has been written. As Sharon stated so well, "head knowledge became heart knowledge." I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling being that I am 64 and the thought of another relationship is really not in my mind or heart. But then I stopped seeking that one person and that is when God placed my beloved Melvin in my life. I want to have a close relationship with God but I am not looking at it as preparing for my ultimate death. I look at it as following the path that He will lead me to in this new chapter of my life. I am open to His will whatever it may be. So much helpful insight from reading the posts here. Thanks for broaching this subject.

New Roads...........I understand what you are saying and I agree. This segment of our life is significant because of heightened awareness of our own mortality. That alone drives us to prepare for our own death. It's not morbid - it's the truth :)

We may have many years to go. If so, we will have inspired others along the journey and we will also be prepared to meet our maker. That's all good.

Thank you for your honesty