I'm going to be quite honest and frank here and I will appreciate honest feedback. The love of my life passed away on 4/16/2019 and I'm ready to move on with my life. I cried my eyes out for months, I think about him every minute of every day, I have wonderful memories and I have very unhappy memories. I met a very nice man while walking my dog and we became friends. This happened a few months after my man died. To be clear, I was not looking to be with another man, ever again. I was ok with being by myself for the rest of my life. For one, I didn't think I could ever trust let alone open my heart to another man. I'm 57 and I look and feel great for my age. This new man turned out to be a great listener, someone who didn't ask or want anything from me, someone who just wanted to spend a little time with me walking, talking, watching a movie here or there and sharing a meal every now and then. I'm falling in love and while I feel guilty about it I also feel like I want to live again. I want to be happy! It is so nice to laugh, to look forward to going on a date, to feel such strong chemistry and think about a future with some sunshine in it. At first my family acted like I should just be OK, get over his death and move on. Nobody was there for me to listen to me, to help with with my grief. Now that I look forward to seeing another man, all of a sudden I'm supposed to wait at least 1 year before making such a decision. WHY? What difference is 1 year going to make? He's dead and he's not coming back. I'm alive and I deserve to be happy. After he passed I wanted to be dead as well. I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. Now I look forward to another day. 

Sure, it seems like I'm moving on quite quickly. I think about this a lot and all I think about is that I deserve to be happy because in all honesty I was in a miserable place with my "hubby" for the last 4 years before he died. Why? Because his #1 priority was the mother of his 8 year old daughter and his kid. He put our lives on hold, no more vacations, zero weekends together because he took care of his kid every Saturday, he played house with them! The mother of his daughter accused me of killing him (to the police and other family members!) and I dealt with so much crap from her and him it makes me so angry when I think about it. I went to a Happiness Retreat which cost me a pretty penny just to get my mind right because dealing with him & her filled me with anxiety and rage. I took care of his kid for over 2 years at our home an average of 4 days a week. I loved this little girl with all of my heart (she's also the sister of our 38 year old son .. long story). The mom was not happy with the bond I formed with her daughter, so she demanded for him to only see his kid at her house and guess what... he did it.. 4 days a week!! As a matter of fact, the mother informed me after his death that he would bring her pancakes every Tuesday morning (the kid was at school). She said it was THEIR time together, their RITUAL!  WELL, if she's telling the truth, then he stuffed his face with pancakes and most likely had sex with her before he decided to come home and die from a heart attack in our bed (he had a stent, congestive heart failure and his diet sucked). I was the lucky one to find him, get to do CPR and then have her come into our home and accuse me of killing him. She also wanted garbage bags to pack up his stuff while he was dead on our bedroom floor, with the breathing tube down is troath and half way covered with a sheet. She's a disgusting piece of shit! She did a few other truly horrible things that I'm not going to write about because I'm not in the mood to raise my blood pressure. In a nutshell, she is the most horrible person I've ever met. She not once thanked me for taking such loving care of her daughter! I ran into her the other day and she acted like she didn't know me. Seeing her made me so angry but yet so happy to think that she now gets to raise her daughter without him. It made me so happy to see how miserable and ugly she looked. I know, I'm horrible but I did say I was going to be honest. I'm sorry, but I can't help how I feel. No more Tuesday pancakes and sex for her! While I deeply grieve his loss, it didn't take my mind and body long to realize how much less stressful my life without him is. Honestly, my life is so much smoother now. I no longer have anxiety waiting for him to come home, wondering what he's doing at her house, always having a suspicious mind, feeling angry and alone. He hurt me deeply when he stopped bringing his little one to our home. I missed her and I resented him for bringing this beautiful child into my life and then just snatch her away and end up playing house with them. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. And the kicker to all of this? He left ALL of his life insurance to them. Not a dime for me or our son. So you know what? Screw him! Thank God I've always been able to take care of myself and I didn't need his money, but still... it's a sour pill to swallow. I took an early retirement, I have money in the bank, I'm renting a lovely apartment with no upkeep worries, I have a beautiful dog, I have time to rest, time to reflect, time to do whatever I want without having to deal with his crap. So now I'M ready to enjoy breakfast and SEX with another man and I am damn happy about it. Maybe looking at the life I had with open eyes is making it easier to let go of our past and look forward to a new future without him in it. It truly sucks to have to deal with up and down emotions regarding our life together and his death. In the end, I see more clearly now and I know that I'll never allow for a man to bring so much turmoil into my life. So far this new man is looking pretty good in more ways than one. We have a lot in common and the most lovely thing is he doesn't have "ugly baggage". He makes me laugh, he makes my blood boil in a really good way, he makes me happy! I feel like I met my true soulmate. I know it sounds stupid but everything about how we met and how we feel about each other was so unexpected. It's a beautiful relationship. Sure, it takes time to get to know someone, but how well do we ever really know someone? I surely found out things about the love of my life that I didn't know after "knowing" him for 40 years. The lies he told boggle my mind! I'm willing to give this new man a chance, I'm willing to jump into the unknown and enjoy the ride. I want to live! Anybody else out here who decided to move on prior to the 1 year or whatever is acceptable by society? Just wondering if anybody else is dealing with their loss in such a selfish way. I say selfish because I am being selfish but why I shouldn't I be? Everything happens for a reason... right? I'm being as honest as I can be and I understand if some of you find my attitude or behavior wrong. I'm just looking at everything with an open honest mind and heart... my past and my future. All of it. My life.