Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm going to be quite honest and frank here and I will appreciate honest feedback. The love of my life passed away on 4/16/2019 and I'm ready to move on with my life. I cried my eyes out for months, I think about him every minute of every day, I have wonderful memories and I have very unhappy memories. I met a very nice man while walking my dog and we became friends. This happened a few months after my man died. To be clear, I was not looking to be with another man, ever again. I was ok with being by myself for the rest of my life. For one, I didn't think I could ever trust let alone open my heart to another man. I'm 57 and I look and feel great for my age. This new man turned out to be a great listener, someone who didn't ask or want anything from me, someone who just wanted to spend a little time with me walking, talking, watching a movie here or there and sharing a meal every now and then. I'm falling in love and while I feel guilty about it I also feel like I want to live again. I want to be happy! It is so nice to laugh, to look forward to going on a date, to feel such strong chemistry and think about a future with some sunshine in it. At first my family acted like I should just be OK, get over his death and move on. Nobody was there for me to listen to me, to help with with my grief. Now that I look forward to seeing another man, all of a sudden I'm supposed to wait at least 1 year before making such a decision. WHY? What difference is 1 year going to make? He's dead and he's not coming back. I'm alive and I deserve to be happy. After he passed I wanted to be dead as well. I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. Now I look forward to another day.
Sure, it seems like I'm moving on quite quickly. I think about this a lot and all I think about is that I deserve to be happy because in all honesty I was in a miserable place with my "hubby" for the last 4 years before he died. Why? Because his #1 priority was the mother of his 8 year old daughter and his kid. He put our lives on hold, no more vacations, zero weekends together because he took care of his kid every Saturday, he played house with them! The mother of his daughter accused me of killing him (to the police and other family members!) and I dealt with so much crap from her and him it makes me so angry when I think about it. I went to a Happiness Retreat which cost me a pretty penny just to get my mind right because dealing with him & her filled me with anxiety and rage. I took care of his kid for over 2 years at our home an average of 4 days a week. I loved this little girl with all of my heart (she's also the sister of our 38 year old son .. long story). The mom was not happy with the bond I formed with her daughter, so she demanded for him to only see his kid at her house and guess what... he did it.. 4 days a week!! As a matter of fact, the mother informed me after his death that he would bring her pancakes every Tuesday morning (the kid was at school). She said it was THEIR time together, their RITUAL! WELL, if she's telling the truth, then he stuffed his face with pancakes and most likely had sex with her before he decided to come home and die from a heart attack in our bed (he had a stent, congestive heart failure and his diet sucked). I was the lucky one to find him, get to do CPR and then have her come into our home and accuse me of killing him. She also wanted garbage bags to pack up his stuff while he was dead on our bedroom floor, with the breathing tube down is troath and half way covered with a sheet. She's a disgusting piece of shit! She did a few other truly horrible things that I'm not going to write about because I'm not in the mood to raise my blood pressure. In a nutshell, she is the most horrible person I've ever met. She not once thanked me for taking such loving care of her daughter! I ran into her the other day and she acted like she didn't know me. Seeing her made me so angry but yet so happy to think that she now gets to raise her daughter without him. It made me so happy to see how miserable and ugly she looked. I know, I'm horrible but I did say I was going to be honest. I'm sorry, but I can't help how I feel. No more Tuesday pancakes and sex for her! While I deeply grieve his loss, it didn't take my mind and body long to realize how much less stressful my life without him is. Honestly, my life is so much smoother now. I no longer have anxiety waiting for him to come home, wondering what he's doing at her house, always having a suspicious mind, feeling angry and alone. He hurt me deeply when he stopped bringing his little one to our home. I missed her and I resented him for bringing this beautiful child into my life and then just snatch her away and end up playing house with them. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. And the kicker to all of this? He left ALL of his life insurance to them. Not a dime for me or our son. So you know what? Screw him! Thank God I've always been able to take care of myself and I didn't need his money, but still... it's a sour pill to swallow. I took an early retirement, I have money in the bank, I'm renting a lovely apartment with no upkeep worries, I have a beautiful dog, I have time to rest, time to reflect, time to do whatever I want without having to deal with his crap. So now I'M ready to enjoy breakfast and SEX with another man and I am damn happy about it. Maybe looking at the life I had with open eyes is making it easier to let go of our past and look forward to a new future without him in it. It truly sucks to have to deal with up and down emotions regarding our life together and his death. In the end, I see more clearly now and I know that I'll never allow for a man to bring so much turmoil into my life. So far this new man is looking pretty good in more ways than one. We have a lot in common and the most lovely thing is he doesn't have "ugly baggage". He makes me laugh, he makes my blood boil in a really good way, he makes me happy! I feel like I met my true soulmate. I know it sounds stupid but everything about how we met and how we feel about each other was so unexpected. It's a beautiful relationship. Sure, it takes time to get to know someone, but how well do we ever really know someone? I surely found out things about the love of my life that I didn't know after "knowing" him for 40 years. The lies he told boggle my mind! I'm willing to give this new man a chance, I'm willing to jump into the unknown and enjoy the ride. I want to live! Anybody else out here who decided to move on prior to the 1 year or whatever is acceptable by society? Just wondering if anybody else is dealing with their loss in such a selfish way. I say selfish because I am being selfish but why I shouldn't I be? Everything happens for a reason... right? I'm being as honest as I can be and I understand if some of you find my attitude or behavior wrong. I'm just looking at everything with an open honest mind and heart... my past and my future. All of it. My life.
I continued to see the counselor after his death because I kept finding out more and more deceitful things he apparently did. My truth is that he was and always will be the love of my life but I struggle with forgiving him. Even though I am determined to move on with my life it is not easy to do. He’s always on my mind and the thought of him being dead still takes my breath away. But he is dead and he’s not coming back. He’s not here to explain his actions or to apologize for the hurt he left me to deal with. Even if he was alive he can’t undo the pain he caused me.
I have a lot of healing left because he broke my heart. Words can’t explain what an emotional roller coaster all of this is for me. I need to let go of the past and focus on the here and now. Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. At the end of the day I am grateful for the 6 years I had with him. I do have wonderful memories but it’s those memories that make me want to stay in bed and not wake up. It’s easier to think about the not so happy memories to help me move on. It’s just all messed up. I think there’s a reason why this new man came into my life. I’m not worried that he might be the wrong person. So far he checks out to be on the up and up. I feel like I was blessed with a second chance at love. Only time will tell. At least I’m not committing adultery. I really do have a more peaceful life now and I don’t want to feel bad about it. Emotions! Ugghhh!
I lost my husband on January 30th of this year. We were married for 17 years, but the last 12 he had shut down (both emotionally and physically) so things had deteriorated. Then he had been having health issues for the last 6 or so. Long story short-- I had filed and served for divorce a year and a half ago. I kept continuing to be there and do all I could for him, also putting it off as there was always another issue and did not want to do that to him then. In the end I am grateful that I was there for him til the end, but I too have that relief now (as well as my freedom)
Like you, I believe we are still blessed with some time left on this earth... and we should not waste it. I think it is great that you have found something (someone) to give you something to look forward to. I do pray to do the same.
On the other hand - at 50-something, we've been around the track a time or two. I think it's easier to spot someone who's right for us. I think it's easier to spot a phony or to let go when a deal breaker surfaces with a potential love interest, because frankly, we don't have a lot of time to waste.
I'm sorry for the turmoil surrounding the young girl. Since your 38 year old son has the better part of his life ahead of him, and you're solvent on your own, you can [kind of] tell yourself that an 8-year-old needs the support the most. Sadly, she'll grow up without her dad, and her mom sounds like kind of a wench.
You sound as if you've found new love, and that's great. My husband was an alcoholic, I had planned to leave him anyway. (I still loved him, just didn't want to live with an alcoholic any more) I think I put an ad online on Plenty of Fish six months or so after my husband died, I went out on my first date two or three months later.
Going though what you are experiencing is a major reason for me being very resistant to opening up for the possibility of a new relationship. It has been 2.5 years since my wife passed, I am lonely and here and there think about a new relationship or even dating. Not yet for me, my heart goes out to you and Wendy. I guess the flip side is that old saying "better to have loved and lost than having never loved"
I lost my husband in December, 2015, and just over a year later I met a man online and we dated for one year. He wasn't sincere, so that ended. Back to the dating site and I met a man, a widower, whom I dated for two years. We were a good fit and had a lot of fun but I broke it off two weeks ago because he didn't want to talk about a future together. He has grown children who are incredibly dependent on him, a lovely mother of 91, and two beautiful grand-babies. His hands are full and there just wasn't room for me, although he insisted there was.
Now I'm reflecting on the state of widowhood. I am a widow, I am lonely, but I am done dating, perhaps forever. I don't want to be viewed as someone who is forcing her way into another family, I want to be respected for who I am, not undermined by people who are afraid of losing their father. I need my strength to build my own life, I don't have enough to run someone else's.
I guess I am saying, look after yourself. If you date a widower you will find that he talks about his deceased wife a lot, indeed, you may be talking a lot about your deceased husband. You will be compared and you will compare. As much as you are prepared to accept this reality, it's difficult.
When I broke off my recent relationship I cried, but it was my lost husband I cried for. I don't know that I will ever recover from the loss of our shared dreams and comfortable togetherness. Maybe the best is to accept that it's better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all.
Wishing you well!
MeineLiebe I wish you all the best but maybe don't go too fast and enjoy the ride. ((Hugs))
Some family and friends will never accept someone new in your life, but some will encourage you to do so - often before you are remotely ready to go forward.
In the end, we have to decide for ourselves. Cliff and I had 30 years together, and I still miss him and always will. After 12 years a widow, I have accepted that fact. He was the love of my life - my OLD life. Mark and I met here early in our bereavements. We became penpals, then more than penpals. It didn't take me a year to fall in love again, but we did wait over a year to meet in person and take it from there. We were bereaved in 2007, and we married in 2010. We've had almost 10 years married. Mark is the love of my life - my NEW life - which I had to rebuild myself.
MeineLiebe, my advice to you is to go forward but don't stop the counseling. I say that because you will be happier and healthier if you understand why you allowed your late husband to be such a shit to you. Sometimes we love people we shouldn't, and it's better knowing why that happened so you never ever repeat that mistake again. You deserve way better treatment. If this new fellow is the real deal, he will understand you taking your time to nurture a good and healthy relationship with him.
I hope you find great happiness. I did.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I am taking my time with building a solid relationship with my new man because I want my NEW life to be so much more then what my OLD life was. While it is exciting to start over it’s also very scary but I refuse to stay stuck in the past or to live a sad lonely life. Falling in love with this new man is a beautiful thing and I’m embracing it. I count my many blessings every day and I am so grateful for everything good in my life. No matter how bad the dark days are, the sun does eventually come back out. It always does. There is hope!
The guilt went away. I loved my husband for all my life and still do. I have room in my heart.for both men and my adult children. So did he. I was determined not to let anyone lay a hint of guy on me. As you describe people who have no gone through this horrific event have no idea what it's like. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or not do or think what's right. Hope we can talk again. Sharon