Dear "Mrs"...I'm so sorry to read your Post tonight, and certainly can't give any expert advice. But I wonder if you've discussed your feelings with your doctor? Maybe there's a bit of depression that has not been treated, and if so, you could be prescribed the right medication. There should never be any sense of guilt or shame in dealing with depression after the loss of a spouse, or at any other time either.
Try to think positive thoughts, it's not easy, I know. Reach out to others, invite a neighbor or friend to come over for coffee or tea.

Please know that there are others who feel exactly as you do, perhaps they're a bit shy, too. But someone has to be the first to say "hello" or the first to invite over for dessert and coffee.

Keep the faith that you are never alone...share your feelings here at DS...the members are very supportive and caring. Your life will become brighter and happier...so keep that picture in mind, and feel confident that you can do it!
Sending gentle hugs,
Nancy

I could have written those words after my husband passed. He died in 2007 and I pretended to be fine for the next almost 3 years. I became so depressed I even stopped getting dressed. I would sit in my PJ's and give advise to others that I couldn't follow myself. There was one man here on DS and only one that knew the truth. God bless him. You are not alone my friend. It is hard to live when your world is half gone. We can loose our motivation.

Talk to your physician and see what he advises and if you agree. Talk with us too. You and I aren't the only ones who have pretended. Actually we are the strong ones to admit it. Sharon

Nancy and Sharon are right on point in all that they suggest. I will add my 2 cents (actually, I'm the verbose one on this board, so it's more like 25 cents). I cannot shake my guilt over my husband's death (he died on Valentine's Day, this year). Doctors in the hospital all scolded me for feeling guilty, as do all Darrell's relatives. Not your fault for letting him stay on machines and tubes for 16 horrible days. I will never forget his eyes - those big, brown, beautiful, sad eyes. In hindsight, I think those eyes were begging me to let him go, but I thought he was going to get better like he had many times before. When I cry - no, sob - these days, it's because of that guilt, regardless of what anyone says. It's my personal hell but I'm realizing that only I can reconcile it. So, I go to bed each night, look at his picture, hug his pillow and ask him to forgive me for letting him go through this torture. I know he HAS forgiven me, but I guess I need to perform my penance until my heart catches up with my head.

As far as being shy and stepping out into the social world, come here. We're a great group on which to practice. And, we WILL NOT abandon you.

(Oops! I guess I over-ran my 25-cent meter. Just put it on my charge card.)

2 hugs, 'cuz I think you need more that 1 today,

Terry

MrsRWB

What you wrote? I FELT so many tiems especialliy in the beginning. I'd put on my 'game face' i would call it and YES it is exhausting to pretend all is ok when inside of you there is a thunderstorm brewing INSIDE OF YOU all the time and you can't turn it off, can't turn it down, you can only try to survive it.

I can tell yo that YOU WILL SURVIVE IT THOUGH. I know because I WAS YOU. thought the exact same things as you have written. And at one point i jutss had to sit down and think hard and let myself be WHATEVER I wanted to for a while. if i was sad i let myself be!!!

If I was ANGRY/ i let myself be. sometimes after you put that gameface on that hook by the door..leave it off for a while and let yourself do what you need to do...FOR YOU.

And know we understand everything you have written and can feel it for you because we have FELT it too.

Sending love to you and hopes for a little bit more light in each andeveryday. Diane

Dear Mrs., I too could have written your post! I have filled these past few years with 70+ hours of work each week, and when I am not I am with my 2 boys and their kids (my oldest died also). I really have no friends, and no time for them if I did. Our couples friends ditched me along with all of his relatives, and my 7 sisters are all super busy with their great jobs and families.
In a roundabout way I am just saying that here are my friends, and here are people that want to talk to me and Listen! Please come here and let us know how you are, ask Anything, vent, ect. We are here for you and I am up all night - and I am a good listener. God bless.. G-

P.S. Nothing is wrong with you! You are a caring human being with real feelings, and you hurt.. G-

You guys are great - it is so nice to feel not so alone, even for just a little bit. Thank you so much for your heartfelt suggestions. I will do my best to consider what you've said, to practice sharing my feelings, and to remember that I am not the only one who may be feeling this way. I hope you all listen to your own advice as well and share with me if you like. Take care and be well.

There is nothing wrong with you. I think you said it when you said you need someone to let you be you. That would be YOU. We have to like ourselves even more going through this journey. Carrying that backpack that contains our grief gets hard...but after a while we get used to it. It defines us and becomes part of who we are.

I wish you the best.

Maggie

As the others have told you, you are not alone in your feelings. I wish I had the magic words to say to you that would put you in a better place. I totally relate to much of what you said. Especially the putting on the happy face and the shyness part. Even today, I find it difficult sometimes to really convey how much I hurt and feel because I am always thinking of others and not wanting to put them in an ackward position. So I tend to keep a lot to myself. I think we all tend to want to be careful not to bring others into the hurt that we feel but often that is exactly what we need to do. Little by little I am learning that and you may be surprised at the response that you get. People who care about us I think want to help but often don't know how. It takes courage to step forward and let them know how they can help. I believe that each day that we are blessed to be on this earth is another gift and a chance to make that day count. Today you took a big step in reaching out to let us know how you feel.

Wishing you peace and comfort

Anne

Dear Mrs.-I am at 3 years like you. I feel the way you do once in a while and yesterday was one. But I pick myself up and tell myself that there is more of life out there for me I just have to find it. if I fall on my butt I will try it again. Sooner or later I know there is a good life waiting for me and I just have to find it. Don't be afraid of making mistakes or befriending someone just because you were hurt in the past. We all have been hurt in the past. I don't have the answer to how you can change your life but I know i am determined to change mine. My husband would want me to go on and be happy again. If it takes a trip to the doctor for medication please do it. You may be so glad you did. Remember everyone here cares about you. Hugs, Chris

I am sorry that it is still so painful and lonely for you. I understand how difficult being shy can be - Cliff was the shyest human being I've ever met, and it was so painful for him to have to force himself to be social. It was why he drank when he was younger, and why he would hide out on the back deck and chain-smoke cigarettes at every social function we had to go to. It's why he couldn't speak above a whisper in job interviews and would break out in a sweat if he had to call somebody. He missed out on so much of life because of it. They call it Social Anxiety Disorder these days, and it is treatable with medication. It is too late for Cliff, but not for you.

Feeling like crap at 3 years is not uncommon. When your whole life has been dismantled, it is not really surprising that it can take a long time to rebuild it. I am not trying to discourage you - far from it - I want to assure you that the grief part of what you're feeling is normal. I do think that you may be able to get some assistance to deal with one of the stumbling blocks you have for making your way through this - namely, the shyness/anxiety.

I think if you got some counseling, coupled with anti-anxiety medication, you might finally be able to throw off some of the emotional pain you've been carrying for so long. I would suggest that you contact your doctor and have an honest talk with him/her about it. What have you got to lose?

We've all had to put on the fake smile and say we're 'fine' when really we are not. I think counseling will help you realize that you are just as deserving of love and lovable as the next person. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was this:

Not all of life's surprises are bad surprises.

It seems like a no-brainer, but when you lose your spouse, that lesson gets lost. And if it was sudden, that much more so. Not every thing, not every day, not every one is going to be awful. Truly.

I hope today is a better day for you, and know you can be yourself here.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Am going on 3 yrs too................and think of my love many times daily...........and while I have let him go...........I will always feel his absence .........know he is in a better place, and waiting for us to be reunited there...................did talk with a dr and am on an antidepressant which helps..........however, nothing really erases the feelings............thankful for the love we shared..............

Like the comment that only we can let ourselves be us..............know about the gameface.............now, find that if I really don't want to do somehing..........social situation, etc., I just don't do it.......................trying to be content with what is............some days I am and some day I am not.....................going day by day.............