Reading thoough posts there is often a common thread..."People said they would call but they did not" , "My friends are not bothering with me" etc...

When I was first widowed and attended bereavement group, one of the leader said "losing a spouse will make you have to rewrite your adress book" and I remember saying "I'm lucky I have good friends "...

Turns out that a similar comment was made here and it also turns out that my good friends have now become aquaitances... 

It is sad but it is the reality most of the time. I believe they have the best intentions but over time we drift apart. To be fair they were friends with "us" not just me ...They knew "us" not just me ...And there were a few attempts of doing something in the beginning but I could barely get mysef out of bed never mind participating in a fun activities with a group of friends who were all couples ... The one time  I did go, it was uncomfortable for everyone so the natural outcome was that they did not invite so much and I was not willing to go so much...

In one hand you wnat the invites, the attention but on the other hand you don't want to have to deal with it... For us time stand still while those who have not gone through the type of lost that we have , have moved on with their life . It's not so much that they don't care as much as that for them life goes on as usual...

When you lose your spouse , you basically lose yourself as well until you can sort through the damage and rebuilt a new you.For those with children , even that changes as you lose half the parenting team and must learn to adapt (even if your children are grown) . 

Once the pain and the fogs lift enough for you to be aware of your surrounding, you have already changed as a person and friends have moved on ...

Again it's not that they don't care, it's that they can't comprehend and they can't put their life on hold . 

Another comment made at bereavement was that becoming a widow or widower brings forth an unfounded worry amoung couples at gatherings...I could believe that to be true until I had to see it for myself. Former friends became distant because of a unfounded worry that I might come after their man...Yea really, that's what becoming a widow has turned me into, a man hungry woman (insert major sarcasm here). At a gathering, when a friend started talking with me, asking me how things were going his wife came over and "jokingly"(sarcasm again) said "hey that's my man!  She would have never said this when Howie was alive.  For some reason the song "She's a man eater" comes to mind.

But sarcasm aside, losing our love one changes us and changes others around us.  It is not that they don't care is that they just don't get it. After hearing so many "stupid" coments I asked myself if I had said the wrong thing to others who had lost someone prior to losing Howie??? . I probably did...    

So it's not that they don't care, it's that we are now walking a completely different journey...