Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

What I understand better now compared to 4 years a

handg
handg

Reading thoough posts there is often a common thread..."People said they would call but they did not" , "My friends are not bothering with me" etc...


When I was first widowed and attended bereavement group, one of the leader said "losing a spouse will make you have to rewrite your adress book" and I remember saying "I'm lucky I have good friends "...


Turns out that a similar comment was made here and it also turns out that my good friends have now become aquaitances... 


It is sad but it is the reality most of the time. I believe they have the best intentions but over time we drift apart. To be fair they were friends with "us" not just me ...They knew "us" not just me ...And there were a few attempts of doing something in the beginning but I could barely get mysef out of bed never mind participating in a fun activities with a group of friends who were all couples ... The one time  I did go, it was uncomfortable for everyone so the natural outcome was that they did not invite so much and I was not willing to go so much...


In one hand you wnat the invites, the attention but on the other hand you don't want to have to deal with it... For us time stand still while those who have not gone through the type of lost that we have , have moved on with their life . It's not so much that they don't care as much as that for them life goes on as usual...


When you lose your spouse , you basically lose yourself as well until you can sort through the damage and rebuilt a new you.For those with children , even that changes as you lose half the parenting team and must learn to adapt (even if your children are grown) . 


Once the pain and the fogs lift enough for you to be aware of your surrounding, you have already changed as a person and friends have moved on ...


Again it's not that they don't care, it's that they can't comprehend and they can't put their life on hold . 


Another comment made at bereavement was that becoming a widow or widower brings forth an unfounded worry amoung couples at gatherings...I could believe that to be true until I had to see it for myself. Former friends became distant because of a unfounded worry that I might come after their man...Yea really, that's what becoming a widow has turned me into, a man hungry woman (insert major sarcasm here). At a gathering, when a friend started talking with me, asking me how things were going his wife came over and "jokingly"(sarcasm again) said "hey that's my man!  She would have never said this when Howie was alive.  For some reason the song "She's a man eater" comes to mind.


But sarcasm aside, losing our love one changes us and changes others around us.  It is not that they don't care is that they just don't get it. After hearing so many "stupid" coments I asked myself if I had said the wrong thing to others who had lost someone prior to losing Howie??? . I probably did...    


So it's not that they don't care, it's that we are now walking a completely different journey...



Suz1491
Suz1491
Well said, and I agree with you completely
TooMuch
TooMuch
that's interesting. i kind of relate but not completely. my issue is that my friends, while all very connected and well meaning, have their own lives and families to deal with. i have two friends in particular who (2 months in) (omg how is it 2 months???) have given so much to me. they have been there at the drop of a hat and walked through horrible moments with me. now i feel their attention fading, as it should. my need for them to be here for me is also fading, but it is still painful. for example, i am in the middle of a very rough and lonely night, and i know that i could pick up my phone and call either one of them right now, at nearly three in the AM, and they would answer and they would talk me through whatever i needed help with. but, i don't need that level of help any more. At least not tonight. and it is painfully sad to me that there isn't anyone here with me at nearly 3 AM tonight because he would have been. he is the one that I could have woken up at any hour just to snuggle or share a joke or whatever. i don't have a one and only any more. it's horrible and i hate the loneliness of it.

i am utterly dismayed at the attitude of these other wives! most of my friends (admittedly i don't have many) are in happy marriages and i cannot even imagine them treating me that way around their husbands, who are also wonderful friends but in a different way. i'll check back and let you know if things change, but i am so sorry you are experiencing that. i know you have made peace with it but it still doesn't sound right to me.
shelda
shelda
Could not have said it better myself. Widow means i am on the prowl now..you would think another woman may have more of an inkling on what it could possibly feel like. I am discovering i have to rebuild myself and i have noticed in this "re-awaking" that I am leaning towards being who i was before i was married and with children. The horror of losing your spouse ( 36 years for me) and then the people you once believed cared about you, now treat me a a leper.It was and is such a raw emotion of raw pain. With the help of people on here and the caring of certain people for me it is my son ,really does a job on who and what you are now. I choose to stay true to Who i am except be more forgiving of others and mainly the most important person ..It is yourself. Blessed Day Everyone :)
CMB2975
CMB2975
I work for a top 100 company, and literally only one person from the company reached out to me during this time, and recently attended an are meeting where I talked to some of the people that had not reached out, for the sake of humankind, I want to say they do not know what to say, and are uncomfortable, but I could be wrong, and sometimes it is better to say something, rather than nothing at all!
CMB2975
CMB2975
I work for a top 100 company, and literally only one person from the company reached out to me during this time, and recently attended an are meeting where I talked to some of the people that had not reached out, for the sake of humankind, I want to say they do not know what to say, and are uncomfortable, but I could be wrong, and sometimes it is better to say something, rather than nothing at all!
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
Very well written and very very true. The other side of the coin is this... the ones that stick with you are the true friends, the ones with hearts of gold. I have had a couple of those. Six years out, I have an almost entirely new network of friends that I built after my loss. They are not all widowed but... they are sensitive souls who did not and do not turn away from people in pain. They are truly wonderful folks. (I will say that most have suffered great loss or gone through great hardships in life.) There is a new life out there, you just build it one brick, one event, one friend at a time.
Hugs,
Val
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • OLDBIKER

    DEALING WITH LOSS OF WIFE

    Posted by: OLDBIKER
    Last Reply: OLDBIKER
    6
    Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower.  My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings".  When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker.  She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me.  I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...