Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

We were loved

LucyGoo
LucyGoo
What I find so comforting about this site is that it is populated by people who were well and truly loved.

I have kept a smiling tally of all the women here who have spoken about husbands who brought them coffee each day. When my husband retired we developed a very expensive latte habit. What had been an occasional weekend treat became a daily treat and then a sometimes several times a day treat and the cost started adding up. I challenged him to figure out a way to do it at home. Of course, he did -- making lattes so good that my book club friends competed to drive me home and get one of his special coffees before going to their own homes.

And of course, the lattes that he handed through the door while I was showering or getting dressed were especially good.

I think maybe we have a special responsibility as people who know love to advise those who are thinking about getting married. We need to talk about being kind, about showing appreciation, about all the things that make a marriage, a relationship, strong enough to last.

We were asked two years ago, before my husband and I began his unfortunate journey, by his about to marry God daughter, what would make a happy marriage. We said that when the bad things happen, as they almost certainly will, you have to turn toward one another and find solutions together. We also said that when you are upset with your partner, talk to you partner and resolve your issues there -- not with your mom or your sister, or whoever, because if all they get is the dirty laundry they will have a very distored picture of what is going on.

Your thoughts? What would you or have you advised about making a happy partnership?
deleted_user
deleted_user
We were together from the time I was 14--married at 18 and he was 22 and we were married just short of 40 years. I think my best advice tht hasn't already been stated would be to cherish every moment--concentrate on the important things--take those vacations and weekends away--remember to enjoy each other--the dishes will wait--the yard can be mowed next Saturday--the more time you spend together just enjoying each other and making memories the easier it is to say I love you often and I'm sorry when it needs to be said. My sweet husband doted on me my whole life--he pampered me--did for me---I had never even put gas in my own car until he got sick--he told me he loved me often--I knew I was loved. If I could change one thing it would be that we would have spent more time just doing fun things and going fun places the last few years of his life after his heart attack. I wish we had taken that last vacation together we thought we couldn't afford.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We were together from the time I was 14--married at 18 and he was 22 and we were married just short of 40 years. I think my best advice tht hasn't already been stated would be to cherish every moment--concentrate on the important things--take those vacations and weekends away--remember to enjoy each other--the dishes will wait--the yard can be mowed next Saturday--the more time you spend together just enjoying each other and making memories the easier it is to say I love you often and I'm sorry when it needs to be said. My sweet husband doted on me my whole life--he pampered me--did for me---I had never even put gas in my own car until he got sick--he told me he loved me often--I knew I was loved. If I could change one thing it would be that we would have spent more time just doing fun things and going fun places the last few years of his life after his heart attack. I wish we had taken that last vacation together we thought we couldn't afford.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We were together from the time I was 14--married at 18 and he was 22 and we were married just short of 40 years. I think my best advice tht hasn't already been stated would be to cherish every moment--concentrate on the important things--take those vacations and weekends away--remember to enjoy each other--the dishes will wait--the yard can be mowed next Saturday--the more time you spend together just enjoying each other and making memories the easier it is to say I love you often and I'm sorry when it needs to be said. My sweet husband doted on me my whole life--he pampered me--did for me---I had never even put gas in my own car until he got sick--he told me he loved me often--I knew I was loved. If I could change one thing it would be that we would have spent more time just doing fun things and going fun places the last few years of his life after his heart attack. I wish we had taken that last vacation together we thought we couldn't afford.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We were together from the time I was 14--married at 18 and he was 22 and we were married just short of 40 years. I think my best advice tht hasn't already been stated would be to cherish every moment--concentrate on the important things--take those vacations and weekends away--remember to enjoy each other--the dishes will wait--the yard can be mowed next Saturday--the more time you spend together just enjoying each other and making memories the easier it is to say I love you often and I'm sorry when it needs to be said. My sweet husband doted on me my whole life--he pampered me--did for me---I had never even put gas in my own car until he got sick--he told me he loved me often--I knew I was loved. If I could change one thing it would be that we would have spent more time just doing fun things and going fun places the last few years of his life after his heart attack. I wish we had taken that last vacation together we thought we couldn't afford.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We were both gun-shy from abusive marriages...we were best friends for nearly two years before we married. Both of us had vowed NEVER to marry again...ever...

We were married for 18 years before he died. In my heart I will remain married until I die. We had an amazing marriage.

Best advice for a happy marriage. Play together. Be each other's lover, best friend, confidant, Always have each other's back...no matter what the circumstances. If you have a disagreement...deal with it...let it go...and never bring it back up...neither of you. Love each other. Completely. Share life...never take a moment for granted.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow Lucy, what a beautiful post. I had to stop and think about this because one thing Carmelo and I always knew not to do was go to bed angry. It was just known never to wait for morning to solve a argument. I am not saying we followed it but we knew it was going to better for us if we kissed and made up before we slept.
When I met Carmelo, before I was to come and meet in person, we met online, he sent me a present before my flight to meet him.

It was a book called "Notes to Each Other" Hugh Prather About a relationship of communication and written by a widower. It was so beautiful and made so much sense in what explained about always keep a open communication in the relationship and never go to bed angry.
Thanks, Lucy for reminding of this book, I will go read it again.
Hugs,
Judy
michaelbmanning
michaelbmanning
I would tell people that marriage is team work. Never assume that one person is expected to do certain things. Each person has their own strengths and weaknesses and you should learn from them.
Take a chance because you only have one life.

Maggie
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have actually given this advice before and will again ....one word COMMUNICATION! of course intimacy,laughter,etc......but if you keep communication lines open between you everything else will fall in to place!

I married my highschool sweetheart and we were married for 48yrs 9 mos and 6 days and I loved him more and more every year up until the day God took him ......and he will remain my love forever!!!! What is one of the biggest things I miss...........talking to him , my best friend!

Sherbear2(Sherri)