Every person and every relationship is different. We all respond to life in different ways. Also, it is so hard to tell what another person's life is actually like behind closed doors.
I did not have a marriage everyone would die to have. We had regular ups & downs like all couples and then a really huge one or two that a lot of marriages would not last through. We had a great bond that just didn't break... until he died. I cannot imagine sharing life with another.
Whether or not a person wants to fill the gap and the loneliness the death of a spouse leaves it seems to me that is smart to take time. There is so many emotions to work through and try to understand I would not trust myself to enter into another relationship right away. Maybe never.
I am very glad you & your husband had a loving relationship that worked well for you both. It makes me feel good to hear this. I wish you much happiness as time goes on and warm loving comfort in the wonderful memories you have.

Our thoughts and feelings sometimes make us feel crazy, don't they? I was married 30 years ago at the age of 18 - so I have basically spent all of my adult life (so far) with my recently deceased husband. Our marriage wasn't 100% perfect all those years, but had truly gotten better and better and he was my very best friend. I have many friends whose marriages have gotten worse over the years (or are single) and they have been envious of the relationship I had. While I am somewhat flattered, I do feel the need to remind them at times that it wasn't always perfect - but I was truly blessed and am heartbroken that he is gone. I feel cheated that we didn't have the chance to grow old together.

My marriage was also one of the envious kind. And it was always apparent to everyone we knew how much we loved each other. Like you all have said, it wasn't 100% perfect, but it was the best.

Companionship can come in many forms. It doesn't need to be a man, unless that is what you are looking for.

I've always been headstrong and very independent. Traits from both my grandmother and own mother. Since being solo 2-1/2 years now, I'm pretty set in my ways and don't really want to put up with the bull _ _ _ _ that can come along with dating or a relationship. I simply focus on a day at a time. So many people have big plans for their future, and end up succumbing way before their time. I only want to think about today.

Pets are cool to have to, plus friends and your family members.

I would totally agree with you in that every marriage was and are different in the same way that we are all so very different from each other. From my point of view Ali and I had a relationship that was not based on just the physical attraction that so many people seem to jump on, but something a lot deeper than that, we knew what each other was thinking, we knew when to be quiet, when to shake the other up, the time to touch, the time to hold close and just be happy to be with each other. I have to admit that I do yearn for that type of relationship, having only been married for 18 months before she was diagnosed and 8 1/2 years fighting took a lot away from our relationship in one way, but gave and added so much in another. I will never be able to, and do not want to replace Ali, but as the wonderful lady from the hospice said to me recently, I have to be my priority now and to have a closeness with another would be a wonderful thing and also what Ali wanted of me as we talked about it, (a hard conversation). So I do know that it is possible, but for me kind of hard as working for myself is not the best way to meet new people.

I wish you all the best for the future and for the months ahead

Stuart x

New Roads, thank you for such an honest post, with honest feelings I can hear.

We are all different. come from many different circumstances in our loss, different time with our love, different memories that can at time really drive you a bit crazy!

I had the the marriage that you talk about. Full of respect, freindship, and most of all a deep love. But it took me until the second time to get it! ;-) My first marriage ended in divorce, and was unhappy from the first few years on up. I stayed with that marriage, because that is how I was raised. To make it work. I did not ask for the divorce, but I feel so lucky that it happened not only for me, but my children who desparately needed a father. I was not looking for anyone when I met G. But he was a gift that just happened for me, and for my children.

After my first marriage, I was not lonely. I did not want to EVER marry again! lol BUT I met G, and couldn't help myself knowing the fine man in front of me.

Losing him is what made me lonely. Lonely for the wonderful love that I was lucky enough to find. Now is when it gets confusing. when we have such a great marriage. One where we cherished the other person, we miss that love. (And
I believe most of us did) That bond. that "I really get you, and I LOVE you". That's what is so hard. The memories of that, and then looking toward the future wondering if you'll ever meet someone who can 'stack up' to the memory of what was. what I'm beginning to learn is that no one will ever stack up to g> and I don't think anyone is supposed to. there was only one of him.

I think when we can look at someone new, not compare them, but just enjoy them for who they are, and how they make us feel, which may be very different from what our loves did, but a great feeling none the less, is when we are really ready to move toward another chapter in our life.

I was told by a f riend that when the "light' comes back in your eyes, that's the time you can think about going onto something, or someone new. I was told that the light had gone out of my eyes after G passed. she said that I put on a very good act, but that she could see that the light I had was missing. It was dark. I guess someone has to know us to "see" that in us.Recently she told me she could swee a flicker of that light I had lost. I was so thankful to her for being honest, and telling me that!! I think when that light comes back, so will all the wants and feelings we had come back too!

whew! didn't mean to write a novel, but guess I couldn't help it! :-) I hope this makes sence. I really think I do understand what you are saying, and have felt that myself. confusion!!! Along with everything else we go through!!

My hopes for that light to come back in everyone's eyes. Whether it be family friends, pets, children, or another love.

HUGS and love to all

Diane

I think the ups and downs of marriages can be rough but in time you find it than work on what works.

Than theres the cruel person that just makes it raunchy no fixing that one.

BUT all in all good or kinda good aside of really horribly its the true companionship, comaradirie that comes out of being together enjoying the things in life you both enjoy, having that person by your side to share all of it Boom than gone - loneliness at that level than is really tough

Thnking of another person that w/fit what that comfort zone was will always be tough. I do hope that those who find another love, truly find a new wonderful sharing person in their lives - that will go on and on longevity

My husband died in January of 03. I am still to this day very much married to him. His is not physically here with me but fills my thoughts, life and being and is my source of comfort and joy. He was my very, very best of friends. If I come together with someone in the future it would have to also be someone who was first and foremost my very best of friends and for a very long time before it became anything more than that.

The loss we experience is different for each and everyone of us at least to some extent even when we have so much in common with surviving such a loss.
:-) Patricia

All I can say is Jim and I were very close. I still turn around at the store and am gonna say something to him and then I remember he's not here. He said he would do everything over the good and bad because that was the fun of it. A pretty good testament to our married life. Our marriage was not perfect but very, very good.

Someone once said that our pain is equal to the intensity of our love. In this case, it makes a lot of sense.

Maybe your friend's behavior is due to the fact that her marriage was not the greatest and in some odd sort of way, she may feel even a little relieved that it is over. I don't think she wished it would happen, but it did. Now, I guess she doesn't really understand or feel the type of grief that a lot of us here feel. I have to feel empathy towards her because it has got to be very confusing.

You are normal to feel the way you do, at least in my opinion. I hope your friend has found some happiness in her life but at the same time, I hope she didn't "jump the gun".I think it is important to have time alone so that we can make good decisions when it comes to moving forward with our lives.

I agree that all marriages are different as are the ways we grieve. I don't know if my marriage was one everyone envied because my friends are mostly still single. My marriage was solid and comfortable and family oriented. I can not immagine anyone being over it in such a short period of time and hooking up with someone else. I don't think you should envy your friend. She sounds a bit unstable.

Maggie

Some of us had real men.

Some of had multiple imaginary ones.

I feel the same way Dragonstar....why are the real people chastized and the known fakes protected?

I am just looking at it with laughter now!

I usually don't engage in this kind of thing, but this is really upsetting to those of us, who really care for the people on this site, and what this site stands for. this site stands for help for bereived right?

when somone posts here from there heart, out of hurt, or a small glimmer of hope in a place they trust, it's disrespectful of the person who has thought to post, to engage in petty arguments don't you think?

I understand you may have a problem with one or two of the members here, and that is your right. I would ask you please if you do have a problem to take it up with the CLs that are here, and stop disrespecting innocent people's posts and the replies that are received? Maybe you could take this up in private with the CLs, and if a problem does in fact exsist, they can handle it?

If I have overstepped, I apologize, but I can't see any good in this. And as far as I can see, and as far as the people I have come in contact with here. We are all good people, and are all in need of support.

Again I apoligize to the original poster here, BUT I have seen this happen over and over lately, and just wish we could all get along in knowing we ALL need support and UNDERSTANDINg!!!

hugs to all on this site!

dIANE

I'd like to suggest that we use this site most efficiently, meaning utilizing discussion board for broader issues. First : to greet new members, and offer sympathy, ask for help and ask questions and more importantly to exchange helpful ideas that can ease some of the grief and pain, asisst in resolving multitude of issues many of s face.

Let's not forget that we have a journal option where some thoughts can be posted and read by many members. We can also write to our DS friends personal messages, outside the General Discussion Board.
When i started, at the beginning i was posting here everything about Me, My feelings, now I am trying to express something that possibly applies to many, more about US widow(er)s' common issues shared experiences.

My apologies.

It seems I believed messages from someone who seemed reliable.

Now, it sems that is not the case.

I am not sure who to trust anyone on here becases i wholeheartedly believed this person. If I had known this person was not to be believed and the info provided was what was fake I would not have entered into this. I seem to have been played by long time members!