Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I really need help/guidance/positive thoughts (not really sure what I need). My fiance Andrew passed away unexpectedly 3 months ago at age 31 (I'm 29) and I am just now starting to really grasp that he is not coming back. I am experiencing a loneliness that there is no words for (not that I need to describe this feeling you any of you). I feel the sadness in my bones. My heart is not broken, it is shattered. I am one of those people who studies up on things so starting almost immediately after he died, I have read a ton on loss and grieving. I wanted to know that what I was going though was "normal" and that I found great comfort when a book or blog or article would describe exactly what I was feeling. So in all my "studying" I tried to prepare myself for the "pulling away" that many people in my life would do and for peoples' uncomfortableness with my pain, but it still has caught me off guard. I have great support from Andrew's parents, which is understandable because they really "get" what I'm going through because they are going through it too, so I can be my grieving self with them without judgement. However, the rest of the world is the hard part. I was incredibly close to my family before Andrew died but I have been surprised by their reaction. The first month I got a ton of support but since then I have felt like I am a burden on them and that they have moved on and that I am just a downer who they don't understand anymore. I don't want to lose my family but I have no strength to put on a mask of "happy old Kelly" just to make them more comfortable. I feel like I my grieving is pretty healthy and "normal" so if they read anything on grieving they could see that. I refuse to be a bitter person who hates everyone because of an unbearable loss, but I am at a point of not knowing what to do. How have you all coped with people's less than expected support?
I"m finding out now what your are talking about in the pulling away. My Johnny was such a wonderful man and all his life long friends really loved him, now that he is gone I find them pulling away from me. I realize that I'm a constant reminder of their loss, so they stay away from me so that it won't hurt them as bad. What I'm learning now is that we all deal with thing in our own way. It's just as hard for them as it is for me because they knew him much longer than I did. I'm okay with it because I understand it, but it doesn't stop the hurt for me, because not only did I loose Johnny I'm loosing the people that were closest to him. His family and mine have been my rock, and I'm so very thankful for that, but it's the ones who I thought would be there that are the one who are surprising me. In the end it's on them, not me, I'm learning a day at a time to survive. It's been 2 months now. I miss Johnny all the time,my heart feels like its on a time out right now, it just does what needs to be done.
Like I said I'm so blessed by our families, and those that don't want to be around me I can do with out.
I will pray for you, and hope that it will get better.
People pull away for so many reasons. But, in your case, given your age, I am guessing that most of your family/friends have not experienced this kind of loss (with the exception of Andrews parents, of course. If they are local, you would probably be doing them a tremendous kindness by seeing them as much as you can handle).
Since you asked, the following has worked for me:
1) Post/lurk here as often as you need to.
2) Once the shock begins to wear off, treat your closest, most helpful friends to lunch (or something). Tell them why (because reinforcing the actions of those who do the right thing by you is a gift to the Universe).
3) Reach out to old friends you have not seen for a whileyou may find that you need to aerate your social circle (I have had a great deal of success doing this via Facebook).
4) Become involved with something philanthropicsomething that requires meetings. That way, you will meet new people who do not share your past but they do share a passion in your present.
5) Just know that you are not alonemillions of people have survived all that losing a spouse/fianc entails and you will, too.
Yours,
At17