Kelly, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have taken the right and "normal " path in grieving. You're right. It's a hearts reaching bottomless feeling of loneliness. As I'm sure you know it's just one day at a time. As far as others support? Welcome to the club. At first everyone says call me if you need anything. But at that time you really don't know what you need. It's still hard to breathe! As time passes people get on with their lives and a lot of those promises become empty. Sometimes I think people just don't know how to act around us being afraid to mention our lost loves for fear of hurting us. What they don't realize is that we need to talk about them. I can be stubborn in asking for help but when it comes to talking of my hubby, I bring him up in conversations all the time. I can often see in peoples faces that they are a little shocked and really don't know what to say esp if I say something funny. And I hope I can be quite frank here...some people it seems are actually jealous of the sympathy you get from others. It can be family workers or co workers. Sad but true. They think we should be over it by now. If they'd only walk in our shoes for a day they would realize how traumatic this grief is. You really can't do much though so as they say a lot on here...your address book will change. It hurts sometimes but a tragic event such as this really brings out the people who really and truly care. One more thought, I've been told by a lot of people who disappeared...oh I didn't want to bother you...really? Now is when I need you the most. I personally think they don't want to deal with the loss either.
My thoughts are with you. You can do this.
Love to you
Darcie

Kelly,
I totally understand how you feel. Only one member of my immediate family got how I felt. That was my father and he was dying of COPD. My mother has dementia, she couldn't remember that J.R. was dead. My brother and his family just wanted me to get back to normal as quick as possible so I could shoulder more of the burden of aging and dying parents. I had my cousin who supported me but she lived 1,000 miles away. J.R's family was no support at all and wanted me to support them. In the end, I just chalked it up to human nature and found a wonderful grief support group which was run by the local hospice. Those people in that group became my close friends and family, honestly. At close to five years, even though I am no long in group therapy, I still see and am close to them. As for the people who couldn't support me, I am still close to them, just don't expect a heck of a lot from them.

Hugs,
Val

Dearest Kelly, First of all, I want to tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your dear Andrew. You are so young, and it's heartbreaking to have all your future plans and dreams together shattered. I know what's it's like also to have a shattered heart, whether you are young and engaged or an older woman like me, 67, and married 30 years to my Johnny. He died 2 months ago. Grief and heartache does not discern.

My sisters from California brought me up from the depths of grief when they came to visit me. I was all alone in Arizona. We had fun for a while and then I went and visited my sister in California.

But to answer your question, I just want to tell you, Kelly, that friends and family will never help you heal your grief and heartache. You need time alone, to think, stare into space, wonder where he is, read books like you have done, etc. I too tried to put up a "brave happy front" at my sister's house. One day I went to the beach in Pismo Beach with my sister, stood there at the ocean, and had a total breakdown because I knew John would never see the ocean again. I went back to my sister's house, went in the bedroom and cried for 5 hours. That was it with people. I was in the land of the living dead. I took the next flight home from California to Tucson. I just want to be left alone. It's alright to do that.

We are all here with you on this website, Kelly, offering you comfort, support in your difficult journey ahead on the pathway of grief. My prayers are with you. Hugs and sunflowers to you.

Kelly, I also am sorry for your loss.

Life is a complicated thing isn't it. When we are young we are told about looking for the future & planning for we when get old & in most cases like me, my first thought is I'm young, why should I have to think about that. Then like you, tragedy strikes, and how can anyone be prepared. Even after 38yrs of marriage I was not prepared for losing my love. And like you & others have said, where is the support when you need it from family or friends. Before Larry's passing I never really understood what people went through ..... but Oh my I sure do now & it is a wake up call to be more understanding & thoughtful.

Take Care JoAnn

At first, my family was ok. All was well between us & we supported each other.
Then a couple of them did something terribly hurtful, to which I reacted badly.
The cruel monster, Grief, will take everything from you if you don't guard against the most damaging upheavals imaginable... no- even beyond anything you could imagine!
At this time, my family & I are torn apart.
I reached out in attempt to reconcile. One responded hatefully. One is ignoring me completely.
SO, I can not allow myself to be overcome by that. It is HARD, excruciating work.
In order to survive, I have to focus only on the people who ARE helpful, and who I can trust with my raw heart.
I can not focus on more abandonment while already grieving the greatest loss of my life.
It takes Huge discipline forcing myself not to dwell on family pain.
One day, one hour... sometimes 5 minutes, it hurts so much.
To lose my husband and then other family is a nightmare.
I am actively seeking out contact with those who can, and do know how to show love and concern toward me during this grief.
I have to. My first need is to survive this. I need to develop hope for my Life and future. Anyone who undermines that, only further destroys me.
I would recommend that you not try to get from people what they are not already giving you emotionally. There is something much worse than a small number of people supporting you.
You do not need to know What that is. You do not want to know Why some people avoid you.
Especially if you love them.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I was warned that this would be a lonely journey, I guess I thought/hoped I would be the exception. I kept telling myself that if I can make it through the last 3 months, there is nothing I can't do! I read somewhere that there is an empowerment that comes with grief and I am starting to believe that is true.

Kelly,
while grief requires that you focus on It and let it out, in order to heal. That means having focused time on the loss of your Loved One. you have to mourn that actively. Let it out.
To focus on people who are not there for you because they Choose not to be, will bring the opposite of empowerment. because you have no power over other peoples' chosen self-will.
Nor over what could merely be that they lack the abilities or empathy to Be There for you, in the way you need them..

I am so sorry for your loss Kelly. I have learned that this really is a journey that we each take alone in our own way, and have only those who have walked the path, are walking it, or someone truly special who gets what we go through. I walked away from those unsupportive friends, and started listening to me, what I needed. Right now I am the most important, and to heck with those who have disappeared from my life at the time I needed them most, though I had a rough couple of months getting to that point. Our grief doesn't end when the funeral is over and everyone goes home. So glad that you found this forum.
Hugs Katrina

Kelly...I am so sorry for your loss. I used to hate those words but every time I say..type them I truly mean it. I wish there was something I could say that could take the pain away. I am almost at 3 years and still doesn't seem real...but each day i feel a little stronger. The amount of hurt tho was unimaginable and nothing could of prepared me for this. I have learned for me I had to change some things and still have more to go..i can't give up because I just cant. .for me to do that not only would cancer of taken my husband...it would of taken me. Of all the things I have learned what stands out the most is compassion for others and a true appreciation for simplicity.Sending u a very gentle and caring hug

I am really sorry about your loss and the reaction you are getting.
I started seeing a therapist today to talk about my losing my Paula who was my beloved wife of 35 years. It helps to have a person who will really listen and give you full attention and not judge. You may want to consider that .

So sorry for your loss. No one can understand this until they walk in our shoes. I have one sister upset with me because she thinks I need to "get over it and get on with my life" two things, I will never get over it! I will learn to live without him. And second, I've been getting on with my life since he died. I just remind myself and her, she doesn't get it and I pray she never does. My in laws forgot about me and its okay, less crappie to deal with. And man will I save money come Christmas... we're here for you anytime, and we get it!
Rachel

Kelly,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you feel. My friends have been amazing thought this. My family, not so much. I was told to get on with my life after 4 weeks by mother. She also expects to celebrate my upcoming birthday and thanksgiving (Canadian) in 2 weeks

I've been learning who I need to keep close and who needs to be kept at a distance. Find strength in those who support you.

Kelly, I am so sorry you are dealing with this awful loss when you had your whole lives ahead of you. I loss my wife at a relatively young age (48) after 20 years together. I was blessed with much support from family and friends and after 7 1/2 months and I still have their support. The truth is however, they all have their own lives to go back to and although I do hear from most of them the contact is less and less. That may be partly due to when they asked to help all I really wanted to do was be alone secluded with my animals and locked in my house. Some were persistent and managed to get me out and about to try and start the healing process.I asked them not give up on me and stop asking me to do things and they haven't. I am fortunate in that regard and am so grateful for the support. Things are getting better but I still have little desire to socialize but I am hopeful for the future. You will sort it out in time and find out who you can depend on. Please take care and know this group gets what you are going through and are here for you. ~Pete

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry. Your post has me thinking a lot about how this might have affected me at the young age of 29. I would have only been married to Juanita for 2 years back then. Truly, I was a different person back then, because I've had 30 years of Juanita and God working on me, plus all the bends, curves, catastrophes, and a lifetime of being joined at the hip through thick and thin ~ all that has molded and shaped me into the person I am today ~ both good and bad.

I thought I was "incredibly close" to my family so many years ago. But my parents never accepted Juanita. She was 10 years older than me, could have no more children (ie, no grandkids), and in their eyes, the worst thing was she was Mexican. It took me many years to see how really prejudiced I was raised, and how prejudiced they were. Sad really. They missed out on getting to know the most wonderful loving person ever. Never gave her a chance. Well, I'm the one that got the blessed life ~ I was always a son to her parents and they really knew how to love from the heart, not mere words. But understand that we all have our failings - everyone of us does the best we know how with the cards we were dealt. Your parents devoted their life to making sure your's turned out better for you than for them ~ but if they are like my parents were, they never knew about the issues of the heart which we know to be far more important than any successes this world has to offer.

You will get past this ugly grief. You will discover a new Kelly inside of you as you look for her ~ a Kelly that has been bottled up her whole life just waiting to spring forth. This is your time of molding and I truly believe that you (and all of us) will come out of this grief being a far better person than who you were before. Now, you have been forced to learn about the real issues of the heart early in your life, about what really matters in this life, and you will come to realize that you've got to take the time to smell the roses no matter how busy the life ahead of you makes you want to think you are. You will come out of this realizing how truly precious our time is and to enjoy every freakin' second of it while you've got it. For some of us here, we have but a few years left to live our days out as this better person we are becoming. But you and all the other "youngsters" here, you've got a full lifetime ahead of you to live as the new you. A blessed life awaits you Kelly, so grow in your grief, learn from it, use it to find that real self that is within you. And you'll be just fine with time. God bless you ~ Scott

Kelly-most people have not been through what you have been through.I think your family loves you and are not sure how to help you. They are not only missing your intended but missing their sister, daughter... It just takes time. You are very smart to realize this. We all need to grieve in our own way. Maybe find a good article and email it to them telling them it is normal to feel the way you do. Hugs Patti