Ramar: Good for you! Just remember that you are in the very early stages of grieving in that you need to cry and get the emotions out. You need to be kind to yourself, take time with yourself and your emotions and try to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up about grieving. I was doing a great job of keeping everything down and below the surface but that also headed me to a tremendous crash at about the six month mark. I know it sounds strange, but it Ok not to be OK. It is great to have a positive perspective and move forward but realize it is all baby steps and be gentle with yourself, as you would be with a child. I wish you must peace and joy and hope that some of this makes sense.
Hugs,
Val.

Dear Ramar . . I'm so sorry that your grief is still so very raw and new. It's totally normal and okay to let the tears flow. They are healing tears. If you try to hard to hold them back, you will delay your healing process . . . as they are there for a reason and will most def come back at another time. With that said, I commend your attitude to "keep it moving", you have much to live for and much to do. Little accomplishments are golden . . . I made lists in the beginning and tried to keep myself busy getting something positive in the day accomplished. I'd even rate my days 1-10 and give myself a pat on the back or kudos for a day well done, another day survived. I never gave myself anything below a 5, even if I could have accomplished more. Some days will find you with more energy than others. Do what you can or absolutely have to do and know that the rest will wait until tomorrow. All of we here on DS have walked this journey . . you are not alone. We are beside you . . big hug. xo, Dayna

Dear Ramar: You are still in the very early stages of grieving and crying is part of the healing process. I cried so much those first few months. I am at 9 months on the 19th of February and I still have days where I have to let the emotions take over. We have experienced a huge loss in our lives. You have a positive attitude about moving forward. You are not alone on your journey!! It is a roller coaster ride of emotions and you have to go with the flow. Hugs. Sue

Your crying is part of healing. It washes away tension and gives your feelings there place. You don't have to change anything except for the guilt of should, could and if only. My hospice worker told me that I was in the place I should be and I couldn't understand that. I do now. There's a time for all seasons, and you are grieving. It's okay. Sharon

Hello Ramar - Like the others have said, go easy on yourself. You are so new to this journey and emotions are raw. My husband died 8-1/2 months ago and today those uncontrollable tears hit me twice. Early on I had days during which I accomplished a lot - had to, right? Some things can't be put off. Mixed in were many days during which I did nothing more than stay on the couch, watch HGTV and nap. I know that you know it's ok to do what you need to do when you need to do it, but even if you seem to accomplish nothing, you actually are - you are grieving and trying to cope with one of the harshest realities we face in life. Good luck, friend.

I gave myself a year. Then I picked myself up, brushed myself off. Though I had it. Well, here I am at year 2. Keep backsliding. So, I will try again, and again. Until I finally do succeed. I think after 50 years with someone, Its not easy, in your lifetime. Good Luck..... Sandee

So sorry for your loss. This is an up and down journey. One big blur at times just trying to make it through the day. If you feel like crying, cry... it all helps to deal with the emotions as they arise. heck you lost the most precious love of your life. I am at 11 months and just slowly coming out of the blur but still bust out crying at times. it is all okay....much peace to you....

So sorry Ramar you are going through this. Wish there was something to make it less painful. The things you want will come in time. Two months will go by, then two years, and you'll wonder where the time went. It is hard I know.

Today I couldn't do it, was a hard day, cried most of the day..I yelled at Ray for leaving me, yelled at God for being so unfair. He had surgery to get better so we would have a few more years together. If he didn't have surgery he's still be here. He had surgery because we wanted him to live longer. This isn't right we were to grow old together..I just want to die...

Ramar, hold on......just one more day and then another and then another......hold on!

I hate this journey too. It's so painful, this should have never happened. They were supposed to get well and stay with us, I know, I know! We were going to grow old together. It's not meant to be. Why? No one knows why. We may never know why. But, we must carry on and show our men and ourselves that we can do it!

I'm here with you and Dayna and Val, Sharon, Martha and Sue and the rest of us......we're here with you. We're all doing this together.

Ray wouldn't want you to give up. He'd want you to show your love for him through your strength of surviving.

I'm here with you, Ramar.....I'm not going anywhere.

Warmly,
Roz

ramar,,, I am so sorry. Breathe.... I can feel your pain. Its not fair. But what in life is? remember to drink plenty of fluids. Go ahead and cry, scream, jump up and down. Let it out... Its okay/ You have to go through it. Early on, here, someone told me you have to go through it, can't go under it, over it, or avoid it. It has to be done. So Sorry..... hugs, Sandee

Dear Ramar,
Sending hugs. I am so sorry we are all going through this. I took time off work to spend 24/7 with my husband and never left his side from last October through January 13 - the date he passed away. I did exactly the same thing as you. I would wake up in the middle of the night, check on himwake up in the morning and kiss him on his cheek when he felt so bad. Yet, he would still give me a little wave with his hand in the air. How I miss him so. I simply lived in the present - I did not want to face the harsh reality of what actually was happening. Until now.

The last couple of weeks when we moved from the home to hospice, we still watched Cramer on CNBC (I noticed you said your husband liked to follow stocks). My husband (who could no longer speak) wrote me a note that said "I am going to miss this - I love trading".

What do we do though? We can't curl up and be miserable. How would that make them feel. Actually, that is how I feel right now. Here in town, tomorrowthere is a Garden ExpoI am going to that. We have a back garden here in the Midwest that is totally a mess, and I have to start from scratch. I am going to force myself to go there. Get tips and work on that yard. Better than staying home. I also found on the website "grief share" a local support group that I'm going to attend this weekend. Never done anything like that in my life.

Guess, what I'm trying to say. I am making a mission to make a "to-do" list. Otherwise, I will isolate myself.

You can pull it off and you know you are already making him so proud