That must have been so hard emotionally - I am so sorry you had to go through it all. It sounds like you went through the wringer today - I hope you get some decent rest tonight and tomorrow is a better day.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Garry, that's so weird, you should have called me.....I couldn't sleep either because I took our SUV in to the dealer for service [something that Morey took care of] and, the service guy said that I needed new brakes. He said they noticed the lining was thinning in July and noted it on the computer.

I needed Morey to help me make the decision [although I trust the dealer and the service manager], I still needed Morey to help me!

I had the work done, paid for it and cried all the way home because of all the decisions I have to make now without my partner, my mate, my buddy!

I had worked myself into a tizzy and couldn't sleep so we would have made a fine pair you and me......

Just know that you're NEVER really alone. We're all struggling with the loss of mates and some days are just worse than others.

I wish you better, restful days ahead.

Roz

Hi Garry -

I am having the sleep problem as well. I am also sitting at my desk as work and having the same problem with the breakdowns. I am at the 3 month / 3 week mark with my wife's death. I am in my office at work and barely functioning as I look at the several photos of my wife around me. The photos generate a maddening mixture of sadness, comfort and longing as I move from emotion to emotion. I also know that Christmas is only hours away and New Year's Eve
( it would have been our 25th wedding anniversary ) is only a week or so away. I also have the " problem " of family and friends being tired of hearing about it. I was somewhat angry initially but I finally realized a few days ago that they knew and loved my wife but they didn't know her or love her as I did and still do. Even our children don't understand why my grief is so intense. I finally just gave up talking to any of them to avoid being exposed to more anger or frustration.

I wish I could offer some wise advice you but it would be from a man just barely holding on to the rope from hour to hour. It has not
" gotten better " for me with the passage of time so far but I am reaching out for anything and everything possible to make it day by day. I went to GriefShare for a few sessions but the 13 week program ended two weeks ago. So, I found this site as an alternative. I take turns talking to her and praying to HIM. I don't know if she can hear me but I am HIM to pass on my love to her. I have found over recent weeks that my routine of talking to he and praying to HIM helps each time I break down.

My wife was a lover of horses and there is a pasture adjacent to our home. Our home is in the country. There is a huge light pole in the horse pasture but the light had gone out earlier this year and I had not had time to replace it. My wife also loved falcons. Whenever she would see one, she would stop and gaze in amazement. Two days after her death, I was talking to her to let me know she was OK but also praying to HIM. I was talking down our road with my oldest granddaughter and we saw a huge falcon flying in a wide circle over our home. Just as the falcon completed the circle and moved to fly away, the light in the pasture came on and it has been burning 24/7 since then until this morning. I looked out a window and saw the light was not burning. I prayed and begged HIM not to let the light go out and went to my kitchen for a few minutes and then walked back to the window. The light was back on and brighter than ever. So, I plan to keep talking to he and praying to HIM with the hope the light stays on as long as needed to realize some degree of progress with this almost insane situation.

Hang in there and take it minute by minute and hour by hour.

Darrell from Houston


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Apologies for the errors in my message. I should have proofread my message.

Darrell from Texas

Gary, I have the sleeping trouble too!. I get off from work at 11pm. And when I get home, I take my depression medication along with a sleeping medication "Ambien". I promise you I just roll from one side to another and like you ,I go pee at least 3-5 times and end-up falling a sleep at about 5am. My mind starts to wonder about my husband, his last day, then the days leading up to the last day. I'm exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally ,emotionally and even spiritually. I have to short sell our home starting on the 4th of January. Having to go thru our things, especially his, is a nightmare. I'll be moving into a small 2 bedroom place from a 5 bedroom home. I've taken pictures of every corner in the house (the walls he painted), the floors(he removed the carpet and laid down every wooden plank). even the kitchen sink he installed!. I know the day I leave this house will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, because it means leaving our time and beautiful world behind!!. I know everyday is a struggle and like you looking forward to the better days!. I hope we get some sleep tonight. Sending you love & lots of hugs!!
MeggyK

I use liposomal melatonin. If it's liposomal, it is very strong.

Today was hard, just like you said, a tough day. I am not able to keep up the payments on D's car. It was taken today for re-sale.

I agree, I think the holiday spirit stirs up the longing for connection, and that adds to my vulnerability right now.

Even D's mom is moving forward with less trouble than I am. It's mind boggling. Today was a lot of tears, a lot of breaking down. I took the liposomal melatonin early in the evening and slept some. Now I will take some more and I know I can count on falling asleep again soon.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for all of your losses. I am new here and still getting to know people's stories. Yes, the sleep thing is awful. My doctor prescribed a sleeping pill for me, and normally I am very sensitive to meds, but this is not doing what it should. There seems to be no relief, and the exhaustion just makes the pain so much harder to bear.

Yes, I, too, am experiencing the family not understanding the degree and the depth of love. I am already seeing that. My husband's children and I made arrangements at the funeral home yesterday. They asked me to speak at the service and did not understand why I couldn't! They are young - in their 20s - and so inexperienced, and having to say no to them was hard, but I explained to them I can't even talk on the phone to my friends right now. The kids seem to have no concept of how I am barely hanging by a thread.

Garry, thanks for starting this thread and sharing your message. It really helped me to know I am not alone in these experiences. And thank you to everyone else here, too. I am in agony, and I am thankful this group is here.

Reading all of these comments just makes us all realize how vulnerable we are. It does not take much for any of us to have a meltdown,,sometimes it is just the small things. Today I am going to run around at 7am to finish getting the little crap that I forgot for my Christmas table,,I remember my husband would come in so handy on a day like this, as he was my go to guy. I breakdown everytime I have to handle his jobsCan't wait to wake up Sat. am and it is all over,,,then got to get through New Years and will look back and wish 2015 never existed..Uggg..ok,,,I'm giving our Hugs and kisses also to all of you. When you feel that lump come on in your throat today, close your eyes and think of all you DS friends are at the same moment feeling the same thing. Strength in numbers...

Reading DS posts is playing an important part in getting me through today. I am alone but I am not alone.

I made the mistake yesterday of looking at the obituaries in the largest newspaper in Houston ( the Chronicle ). That was a mistake and I won't do that again. I looked at all the new widows and widowers that were listed under " survived by " in each obit. It was overwhelming. For whatever reason(s), I had not realized until now that this spousal grief thing is at epidemic levels and there are very few places for all of those people to turn for new widows and widowers.. I read all of the names and realized they are just starting down the horrible road I have been on for 4 months.

Christmas is bad enough by our 25th wedding anniversary would have been on New Year's Eve.

I just have to keep it together and make it another week or so with the hope 2016 is better than this nightmare.