Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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loveddogs 08/26/2015

For the past five days, or should I say nights I have been unable to sleep. I have been agonizing over every little thing. I admit this overwhelming grief has gotten the best of me. I can't seem to form a positve thought, just such draining remorse about the past, the present, the unimaginable future without him. I don't think this is another wave, it's a full blown "TSUNAMI"! And of course if you can't sleep at night, you are drug out all day. Oh the ups and downs. I hate leaving the house, it's my comfort zone. But I hate being here as it's torture without him. All the undone crap and everyday stuff that used to be so easy is now impossible. My mind is shot, my heart is empty and I ache all over missing him. Why do we do this to ourselves? We have no control over anything! We would have given our lives for our spouses, but weren't given that choice. I am thrilled that there is a new support group for widows/ers starting tomorrow that I plan on attending. Now how pathetic is that? To be thrilled. I need to be around others in person that have walked this path or going through this. I can't stand to read anymore about grief on my own, it's too depressing and I can't concentrate. So I am open to the idea of seeing what others are doing to get through this. I have even shut myself off to talking on the phone except for very brief conversations with my kids. I know there is hope out there somewhere and I am determined to find it, to find a way to retrain this wicked brain of mine. I want to have a memory and not be so damn sad. I want to get through this and find Peace and acceptance and know that he will be proud of me when we are reunited. Oh how I miss him. Ok enough ranting, Hugs and Love to all and thank you for being here for me. You have no idea how grateful I am. Michele

gailarmstrong 08/26/2015

I know what you're talking about Michele. What a terrible nightmare this is. No one understands unless they've been through it themselves. 18 months on and I still feel like either running away or hibernating but running from what and hibernating from what? At the end of the day our awful reality is still there to face. The truth is that we will all survive this as others have before us, that's what I keep telling myself anyway. Much love darling. Gail xx

ptorres 08/26/2015

Michele, keep fighting the fight and like you said make him proud for when you see him again. ~Pete

lmj90 08/26/2015

Grief is harder than I ever thought. Its a never ending journey. The minute you think you can breathe.... You get punched in the gut. Its struggle. At 10 months I hate everything even more. The only reason I get out of bed is to make money to support my son. He depends on me. Otherwise I would curl up and watch mindless tv until I could see him again. I try not to dwell on my regrets but I continue to do that among other things. We are here together and we have to help eachother. its all we can do. Hugs

Lisa

deleted_user 08/26/2015

Michele, I'm so sorry that the pain is so difficult for you now. Michele, I'm at 28 months and the fog is still lingering and the guilt and pain that I didn't do enough still haunts me.

I still get sad when I drive by the convalescent hospital that he went to [thank God the final hospital he was taken to is far away and in a location that I will NEVER have to pass.]

The lack of control of it all for us is so overwhelming. I know!

You MUST get rest. The lack of sleep will turn you into a blithering zombie.

We don't know what the future holds for us but we MUST keep moving forward through the foggy haze.

While the weather is good please try and go outside for some fresh air. Even if you walk only twenty steps out and twenty steps back in and breathe, breathe, breathe, Please try.

I wish you peaceful days ahead.

Warmly,
Roz

dschwartz 08/26/2015

Michele . . we've all been there or are currently "there" in the space you are in. It's all quite normal, unfortunately. There is no easy way out . . . we simply move through it. Sleep would help, but I must say, I still have my sleepless nights 16 months later. I have meds to help, but won't take them every p.m. for fear of addiction (I have such an addictive nature). I'm finally eating fairly well and taking care of my hygiene . . although I still haven't cut or colored my hair since J passed. I moved across the country . . . so no familiar places to pass, or people to see that knew him . . . yet, still find myself not wanting to leave the house much. This new norm is just plain weird. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the grief journey takes many twists and turns and def leaves us changed. I'm still evolving . . and so are you my friend. Be gentle with self and best of luck with the new support group! I'm rooting for you! Hugs, D

jewells1 08/26/2015

HUgs Michelle.
My heart.
I was reading your post and agreeing about a lot of it. Then I scrolled over your avi. Your date of loss is the same as mine.
I go through what I call 23itis. In my first year it was strong... I would feel the anxiety build and become so overwhelming I could not handle it. It would be worse on the 23rd but still like a tidal wave that foods and smashes as it hits, it took awhile to draw back again. It was usually just the regular(Ha! such a small word) pain of loss by the end of the month. Then as soon as the calender turned a brief freak out would happen because I was on my way again to another 23rd. I could usually get by the anxiety telling myself it was still weeks away, But around the 10th of the month the swells would start to rise again.They were in full force by the 16th ( his day he went into the hospital, returning 2 days later to spend what days were left) He had been compromised by "Dehydration", so the months he had fought for were lost.

I cycled like this for the first/second year plus. Slowly now that has decreased. For me it's like living the things leading up to his loss and the terrible days afterward that replayed in my waking and sleeping hours.

I still feel it even now, but it is shorter and I try to do something that is only for me on those days, he would have wanted that.
Talk to you doctor and tell them about the loss of sleep, they can help. Things are better when you can at least sleep some. The waves are not better, but you can deal with them better.

Again, My heart.
Jewells

staygolden3 08/26/2015

Yes Jewells....it's as though that dreaded date is high tide. The building up to it, the crash, then it recedes. Great observation. Never really thought of it that way. Michele...we feel your pain. Hang in there babe.
Love to you
Darcie

marjoe 08/26/2015

Michele - I could have written this post. All of it, all you've said, was true for me as well. That damn movie reel (of those months of cancer) was in my head 24/7. The thing is, although I felt stuck for so long, everything around me was changing, and I was, too - even though I didn't realize it at the time. People talked to me. Hugged me. I sat outside on my little deck watching the clouds, listening to Santana, one fall evening, and for a brief moment, thought - it will be ok. A guy holds the door open for me at the 7-11 and smiles and says hello. My neighbor's dog licks my face. These are all nothing, and everything. But these are the things, the little things, that will bring you back to yourself. Peace and acceptance will come, slowly. But they will. Hugs, Marsha

cgriff4ever 08/26/2015

Im right there with you...everyday is a new day. just take one hour at a tme. I find forcing myself to be around others, helps. my grief faciltator said... when you feel like going out and doing things is when you should have solice, catch up on unfinished paperwrk at home, read the bible, talk to god or your loved one. Since talking to god/sean ive had some reassurance of my husband/god guiding/watching over me You are perfect n how you are feeliing. Only those who have been through this really conceive what it means to feel lost or that life is no longer normal. Im findiing things/I will never be my normal self, but Im creating a new normal.....your not alone in this walk. my prayers are with you. hugs carla

KimKos 08/27/2015

Michele...I hear you and I am so sorry for all your pain...did you go to the support group? This is so rough and though we all understand each other we all have different ways of coping. One that has been very helpful is prayer and I pray the way I need to ....my prayers have F bombs in them...tears.... things just spill out...My maker hears them and it is such a comfort feeling its hard to express. I would not consider myself deeply religious in regards to a connection with a particular religion...church or what not but my one on one connection to my maker is so strong ...to me he knows everything so if I eliminated the F bomb from my prayer he would know I wanted to use it and was holding back so I use it..I hope this makes a little sense but It is one of those things that I refuse to analyze...I just feel it...and I trust....its not easy but I have been given so much in my life that I sometimes feel not worthy but then I accept that they are gifts and I am humble. I love music and one radio station K-Love is so inspirational...they have a thing called the 30 day challenge...its where you listen to only Christian music for 30 days. Its not like a brain wash...but amazingly peaceful. Its not the only music I listen to but when the going gets too hard it helps.....sending much love

Lisastp 08/27/2015

For me, I found that as devastated as I am from losing my wonderful husband, I had to protect myself from falling into a blackness that I would not likely get out of. How did I do this -- I cried when I needed to, but when I needed an escape from the sadness, I watched comedies on Netflix. (30 rock was my "go to" at 3 a.m.). It may seem weird or inappropriate, but my brain literally could not go on if I didn't let it have a respite from reality. Of course I didn't laugh out loud at the comedies at first, but they temporarily neutralized some of the horror in my head, honestly.
I also had to go on handling life because the kids and I have had to deal with auto accidents (everyone's ok), litigation for child support (long story), illness, normal everyday unexpected annoyances, etc., and although I'm kind of "numb" to reality now, I'm getting stronger and kind of steeled to the idea that life is so hard that I'd better find a way to get some joy in each day or it will be unbearable. The dogs are always a help too because they need me and they give serious TLC in return.
The only thing I would add is that in grief counseling, I learned that the sadness we all feel is of course normal, but if sadness becomes not being able to get out of bed for 3 or 4 days or more, then it could be a clinical depression and we should consult our doctor for help.

ongoing 08/28/2015

Being hard on our self seems to come with the territory until you give yourself permission to grieve for as long as needed. Let me remind you its barely been 4 months - slow your life down and take care of your grief. I've been there, done that. It was painful and seemed like it would never end, but it does. Cope with one day at a time.
We were all used to making plans if it wasn't tomorrow's dinner it was about retirement or some other future event.
Grief is dragging you down and it will continue to do so. Learn to cope with it by understanding it. I learned quite a number of things, the major one was try not to rush through it, be easy on yourself and find relief. Massage not only soothed my aching body but also allowed me to grieve gently. The tears streamed without the hysteria and crazy thoughts that only led to bad decisions.
When my grief ended, I missed the years of its companionship - then I laughed at myself.
Remember one moment at a time, one day at a time.
Best wishes.

Jeff-Bolen 08/29/2015

All I'm thankful for is that my wife never had to go through the pain I have gone through and continue to experience. I gues that is the sacrifice the survivors have to endure. I gladly do it for her.

scottito 08/30/2015

Wow Jeff, I never thought of that. You're right. I would never have wanted Juanita to go through what I've been through. Not in a million years. So if one of had to go first, I join you in being glad it was her. Thanks for the revelation!
~ Scott

JesusisOurSaviour 08/30/2015

Michelle,
I believe you will come through this long, dark painful tunnel.
I have so much hope for you.
You are in my thoughts, and prayers...........Sandra

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