Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Good evening from Greece dear friends, it's been quite a long time since I last posted on this group due to changes in my job.
Well, today it's a hard day for me, it's the birthday of my partner who passed away 7 months ago, he would've been 37 yeara old today. I went early in the morning in the cemetery, bought him beautiful flowers and wrote him a card. I spend some time there (well lots of crying was involved as you can understand) had taken a coffee with me and stayed there talking to him.
Then back home I laid on my bed fell asleep, no mood to do anything whatsoever even if outside is a beautiful warm sunny day here in Athens.
The thing is that the last 2 months my anxiety has reached an all high level.
I've always suffered from OCD, anxiety and periods of depression due to obsessive negative thoughts. However the last year has been really harsh on me. I lost as I already stated my partner 7 months ago from aggressive cancer, an extremely traumatic shock for me to say the least . 2 months ago my grandma passed away, I've got to be strong for my mom who is a widow (my dad died from cancer when he was 53 years old twenty years ago). As if all these were not enough, the last 3 months I experience severe pressure at work, the management has changed and unfortunately the new manager is totally incompetent, we changed building, offices, plus there are some new cooperators who I can't stand at all.
I used to love my job and I was really very good at what I was doing, my boss used to call me workaholic several times, but after all that has happened in my life the last months every day feels like torture, I wakeup with severe anxiety, going to work feels like nightmare, I have to pop 2 xanax before leaving home to go to work. I go see and also call my psychiatrist often, he is trying the best but this period of my life is really extremely hard for me, I am on antidepressants and benzodiazepines but still I feel so sad 24/24.
Before all that, I used to go to the gym, do kick boxing etc but now I don't do anything, I know that working out helps a lot but I don't have the mental nor the physical energy to do anything if you know what I mean.
My psychiatrist insists I am an extremely neurotic individual and that I don't have depression, I don't really know, my mind is a mess , and the anxiety is so severe almost debilitating, I spend most weekends lying on bed where is the only place I feel "safe".
I guess all the things that happened the last months have triggered my OCD, my depressive mood and my anxiety reached it's highest levels.
I have to be strong for my mom who is grieving for grandmas death, I have to be strong at work plus I have to be strong for my self first of all, I am trying but I really feel so exhausted both mentally and physically.
Sorry for the long post but I am really on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my world has turned upside down and I think I can't handle this extreme stress and anxiety. Any advice would be appreciated, my blessings and hugs to all of you , beautiful people ❤️
You are not alone in your journey. Seeing your post today actually gave me a reason to get out of bed to reply to you. It helps me to feel useful to YOU today, which is a very difficult day to ebdure. I wish that I had a more inspiring message for you, but being so brand new at this doesn't provide much as to your needs right now. Please know, however, that you are not alone -- I truly believe that our loved ones, who have passed on, are aware of our joys and sarrows. If I could go back 9 years ago, I would have tried harder to not be so overcome with sadbess. I realize now that my deep sadness mifht gace caused her some sadness in the "beyond here" sphere. I realized this far too late; but not too late -- now that I understand this, I feel I cab do better while missing NY mither, and especially, my beloved husband. I am working extremely hard to have more cheerful moments than tearful ones. Finding the balance is my goal for my own happiness and well-being.
Thanks to a suggestion from sister, I keep a bottle of my husband's favorite cologne by his picture so I can delight in smelling him whenever I want. This is a tremendous help to me, as it reminds me of our hugs.
We, like billions of others who have lost loved ones (and who will lose in the future), are supposed to move forward somehow. That "how" is yet unknown, but possible. I think the possible will come sooner when we learn ways to manage and balance the tears and not feel guilty about being cheerful as we try to live each new day.
This is the mantra I must repeat several tines throughout each day -- "Focus On The Was And The Is, And NOT On The What Could Be." When our loved ones die, it is only torturous to dream of all of the things that could have been if they were still here with us. Our reality is that we have the Was (our memories with them), and the Is (our current situation). Our reality isn't the best right now, but in the passage of time, it will get easier. I am counting on that.
Thank you for posting today. You have helped me more than you will know! ❤