Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
When I think I'm doing a little better, then I feel I'm back to square one. I cry and feel so sick and wonder how am I going to get through. Everybody says I need to take one day at a time, which I have been. Then today hits like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I wish my new support group met more then once a week. I'm two months into this nightmare. Have others had a major crash when you think you were doing a little better?
My reply is not very encouraging , right?
The truth is that it does take time and 2 months is really not that long into this journey.
Then there will be special days, occasions , that brings it all back to the for front .
Time will help , I can say that much after close to 7 years on this journey.
One day , you'll realize that your crying is , while still painful , not as long lasting.
You'll notice that memories bring forth a smile not tears.
You won't feel so physically out of sort.
Imagine standing in front of a mountain having to roll a boulder to the top.
With the first scenario , you will struggle but have breaks . You will allow to be kind to yourself . Nourish yourself and rest as much as you can. Early on, feeling drained, feeling weak , you will stumble a lot . The struggle making it feel like you will never make it.
You'll probably feel like just giving up but yet you keep pushing forward .
One day , you realize that the boulder does not seem quite as hard to push but still is a major challenge. Giving it more time , you still feel lost and have the feeling that there is no way you will ever reach the top. You take the time to take a break and dare to take a look back only to be shocked at how far you have actually come. The next day you can't even attempt to move that boulder, you feel defeated , you just need to stop and give yourself permission to let the tears come, they remove the toxins building up.
More time passes and you can feel it , the top is near , you barely trip anymore. The boulder is quite light feeling as your strength grows . The pages of the calendar have changed from weeks into months and maybe longer.
During that climb , you have learned to cope , to grieve , to be kind to yourself and to get the frustrations out. You have remembered that there was a time , long ago and before you met your loved one, you use to stand alone . You could do it then and you can do it now.
Then there is the other scenario...Who am I kidding ...There really isn't another scenario.
You are on a journey that you did not asked to be on, you are having to survive and you are having to find your true self .
You and only you can do the recovery in the same way an athlete runs the race by himself. But an athlete may run the race by himself , the rest comes with great support and coaching . here you have the support and coaching.
Gentle hugs on this journey xo
I know I can’t go back and I can’t stay where I am and my only direction is forward.
My wife died 11/26/2019 so I too am 'new' but I thought maybe I was turning some corner. Very frustrating - I did not go to work Wed or yesterday and will not today.
I agree, I wish resources were more available - that is why I post here I guess, to try to get and see some perspective.
I had a group meeting last night and it had this very topic in it and one thing they mentioned is (as handg said) Grief and resiliency are not a steady slope, expect back and forth and expect 'Grief Ambushes' that just take you back with awful emotions. Knowing that does not help me, it kind of scares me since the level of my grief is still so profound, I don't know that I can do this.
Your response to my post yesterday shows we are very similar in my view of our 'Stage' as I see her in everything and I can't see how this all works without her in any joyful way.
If you ever want to, send me a message direct on this board and maybe we can message back and forth to help each other.
Take care and know you are not alone, and what you are experiencing is exactly what you should be experiencing. I hope for you and for all of us, this too shall pass...
Best wishes to you for a better day also.
Well, I guess everyone's feelings do....Be kind to yourself.
I went back to work two weeks after my husband's death. At one point, my boss told me he had this new thing where he'd make a to-do list each day. I thought, after he'd left the room, my to-do list was: 10:00 to 10:15, don't cry, 10:15 to 1030, don't cry. You get the idea. Some days, it was almost like that, really, taking things 15 minutes at a time.