I understand how you feel. The 9th was his birthday. This will be the second one since his death. I am still grieving. The end of October and beginning of November is particularly bad for me. He was diagnosed with cancer in October. October/November was our favorite time of the year with the fall leaves and festivals. He went into the hospital at the end of a month and died just after the first of a month so the end and beginning of each month is hard anyway. Then this is the time of year when all the holiday stuff is everywhere which is another source of pain. I am at 19 months now. Yes it is still very hard and I have moments of melt down. I can tell you this, things get better as time wears on. You don't forget but somehow you find a way to work around the pain and in some ways the pain becomes precious because its tied in with beautiful memories. I too have felt so tired and helpless, I wanted it all to end. We did not have children and really very few people to care much whether I carry on or not but I do carry on. One reason is that I above all people knew Don the best. By my surviving I am able to carry on that bright light that was his. In other words I am a piece of immortality for Don. Of all the people I have known in my life he was by far the best and brightest. I will not let anyone who knows me forget him and I will not forget him. I hold all the memories, good and bad, deep in my heart and I will let my soul continue to shine as a memorial of such for Don who gave me strength, hope, companionship and above all, love. My friend, I encourage you to keep on surviving the best you can. Give yourself time, take care of yourself. Trust all of us who have walked before you...it does get better.

Dewey
Keenan,

It is alright for a man to have and show emotions. I'm 64 and this sad event has found me crying in public. When people know why they cry with you. At the bar last night during the football game I started talking to a guy who lives in my community. He asked where I lived and who I lived with. When I told him it was now just me and Harley and my wife died months ago he grabbed me off the bar stool and hugged the crap out of me. He said man you need a hug and a hell of a hug it was. About three minutes. I was so touched and he was crying as he was hugging me. Don't think people don't care they do not know how to respond or help you. Also they are glad it is not there pain. You have to let your emotions out or you will never begin the healing process. One of my posts I speak of hand writing a journal and writing a good bye letter to my beloved. I placed the end of my marriage into a pretty room parked many memories good and bad there and said good bye to the marriage. I do not feel single but I also do not feel married. BTW I'm crying as I write this and I don't care who knows. I must cry to move forward. I am a touchy, feely person.

Wishing you the best man!

Biug sky hug to you!

Dewey

So very sorry that you're going through this heartbreak and pain.
We understand. We'll try to help.

Hugs,
Janie

thank you for your kind words. my mind is so scrambled right now, but I pulled something out of everything you guys said. sometimes its just too much. I just cant see how life could ever be enjoyable. its just a waiting game to die so I can see her.

I am so sorry you had to join us. We understand what you are going through. Somedays are good for me some are horrible. I haven't found anything in between yet. We will all get there, together. Hang in there and hang on tight to the kids they need you so much. My kids are older than you are and they still need me. Look to God for your peace and comfort.
I recently listened to a Joyce Meyer CD set called understanding grief and loneliness. It is so uplifting. I urge you to get a copy or listen on line.

Buddy, you have beautiful children to support and raise! You have every reason in the world to look to the future. I've been married, nasty divorce, year of depression, took dance classes for Cheyenne Frontier days and meet a girl that was a wild ride for a while. Left Cheyenne back to Montana and meet another girl who loved me but I was still too emotional to commit. Left her and a few months met Sally. She chased me for 3 years before i relented. Lived together for ten years then married her for a 21 year marriage. Lost her to a heart attack in her sleep. Worst freaking day of my life finding her in that condition. But we had a good love and a great marriage. I truly miss her but in my heart (and we had discussed this) I know she wants some other girl to enjoy my teasing weird ways. I'm a kind person but I'm a trickster and want to have fun in life. I'm 64 and have had a good run. Marriage wasn't so great but the other chicks were a blast. My point is that your life is far from over and you must support your children, take care of yourself and not be afraid of letting the grief rule your life for a while. You will get through this and be a better person for the suffering you are feeling now. None of our best buddies want us to be sad. However we cannot control that in our current state. I want you to have hope for the future as it will come to you. I have never sought out a relationship with a woman. For some reason they find me! I must have something to offer that makes them a complete person and enriches their life. I know that Sally loved me so very much! In her last anniversary card Sept 2013 she wrote me: Our anniversary is the perfect time to remind you how much I need you, how much I appreciate you, and how very, very much I love you!

Love Sally

I'm crying my ass off right now.

Ditto to my girl!

Take care of you and your kids! I know you will pull this off!

Don't be afraid to cry! It's human, it's normal and it is a very necessary part of getting through this crappy path we are in.

I hope my rambling helps you see you are human and nothing more. We are all pulling for you!

Big Montana hug to you.

Anyone reading this I posted some photos off my deck today. It shows why Montana is called the big sky country.

Beat 2 all of U!

Dewey
.

Correction First marriage sucked! Second was wonderful.

Dewey

I hear you as today would have been my wife's 61st birthday. I am much further along and while it has been hard today I'm doing much better than last year. All you can do is continue to make it through each day and hope it gets better over time. It's a devastating loss which you will never get over, but somehow we need to learn to live with the loss.
Russ

I'm so very sorry for your loss and the horrible raw pain you are feeling..
We all here on ds understand that pain. Please be kind to yourself.Our emotions and thoughts are all over the place in those early months.You have 2 children who need their daddy. And I know how hard that seems when you feel you can't even go on yoursrlf. But you will and the days will get better. Visit the site often. You will find much comfort here and wonderful people who truly care and understand to help you.
Hugs
Deb

thank you everybody
it really felt good to come home and see this before bed.

Keenan,
Dewey, Russ, Onespoken and others expressed some pretty deep emotions with you and the rest of us.

I sat here crying with Dewey's heart wrenching and meaningful words.

You see, you're not alone and what your feeling we're feeling with you. No, no one should ever have to feel this way. It's not fair, it's so painful it's as if our hearts will break open and our insides will spill all over the ground. As if we'll fall into a million pieces and never be able to be whole again.

The cut is so deep, it hurts so much, surely it won't be able to mend, how could it?

You are a tortured soul, we get it! We must live and survive every day for ourselves. We must continue on and take each step, one at a time. It's our job to make life count, every minute of every day to make ourselves and our loved one's proud of us.

None of us want THIS, none of us! Calling it quits would be easy.... it would also be WRONG! Don't let your life stand for the wrong, make it stand for the right. Do the RIGHT thing live for your love, live for you.

Roz

Interesting how I changed the name from "Onebroken" to "Onespoken" - First, I apologize for the mistake
- Second, I like the mistake, it speaks so much of me.......

Roz