Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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TimLovesMelissa 08/31/2010

I'm having trouble trying to make a decision. I'm a member of our local community theatre group, and they are putting on a play this fall. I think practice starts next week, with performace dates of Oct 15-17. I can't make up my mind if I want to be in this one, or not. Over the past 14 years I have done around 15 of these, mostly melodramas and comedies. In fact we were 1 week away from a performace this spring when my wife died. Needless to say that I was not able to go through with that one (my MIL was also going to be in that play). This upcoming play is a comedy that we did 4 years ago, and they want to do it again since it went over so well last time. If this was a serious drama, this would be a easy decision. I suck at those, or at least think I do! Some pros and cons:

Pro: I love to perform, and make people laugh. Melodramas are the best, because you can interact with the audience, but this comedy is pretty good. Since I have done this play before, I should be able to memorize my lines faily quickly. It's flattering that they asked me to repeat the role (even though I think their only requirement is for me to be able to fog a mirror sometimes!).

Con: Practices are 3 times a week, two hours each time. The kids and I start family grief counseling in two weeks, and that falls on a practice night. I've already been told that I would not have to attend play practice that night (Think Sally Field "They like me! They really like me!"). One of the performance dates in on my birthday. I'm not sure that I'm all that wild about that. I think I'd rather spend it doing something else this year.

I just don't know. My gut instict isn't even helping me on this one. I may just have to throw a dart, or flip a coin.

TimLovesMelissa 08/31/2010

If anyone wants to know, the character I would be playing is a semi-truck driving, guitar playing, singer/yodeler, that eats lots and lots of three day old burritos. All the characters get stuck in a single motel room during a blizzard. At one point during the play the bathroom toilet gets plugged up, I'll let you guess who is responsible for that. I'm told I do a good job with this character, but I'm quick to remind them that it is just acting!

deleted_user 08/31/2010

My advice is if you really can't decide then pray about it. Then listen to your heart for the answer. Ask yourself this, "Would she want you to do it?" Good luck

missmyhero 08/31/2010

Wow, I can think of totally compelling reasons why you should do this and totally compelling reasons why this would just not be a good time to do this. Your birthday may be a very hard one this year, but then you could plan some time alone during a different part of the day so you have time to process that day too. Yeah....only you have the answer deep within as to whether this would be just the thing to help you have moments to focus on something else, or if this would just be too much too soon.

That is so cool that you can act and that you love comedy. It totally is good for the spirit to be able to focus...even momentarily on something that makes people laugh. We all need to be able to do that now and then even when we are grieving. Grieving is a full time job and is exhausting. Even when we have a full time job, we have breaks in between.

Good luck in finding your answers. I am sure that whatever you decide, it will be the right answer for you.

hugs..
-Diana

deleted_user 08/31/2010

Go for it and be in the play. You may spread yourself thin for a bit, but this is something that is part of you. You can't change you. BTW...who would want to miss out on playing a redneck woman...Kaaren

Joeinaz 08/31/2010

Hi Tim....I agree totally with kaaren on this one. Clearly, acting is part of what defines you, and I would wager that Melissa loved that part of you. As for your birthday? What better gift could you give yourself than a brief moment of happiness doing what you really love to do? Just my opinion, my friend, and it's really easy for me to toss it right out there because I don't have to make the call!!! All my best to you.....Joe

deleted_user 08/31/2010

I have a feeling you're fluctuating on this for a reason. It seems like it's not in your heart to jump back in yet. It's definitely going to be a different experience without your wife and it sounds like a pretty intense schedule. Maybe it'll help if you visualize yourself as part of the audience watching with someone else playing your character. If it bothers you, then maybe you should join. If it makes you feel content and relieved, then maybe that should be your choice. Don't make this decision based on what others want you to do- only you know what's best for you right now. Go with your gut with no regrets. Good Luck- Terry

deleted_user 08/31/2010

I think you should go for it. It may help keep your mind occupied, I agree to pray about it also.Let us know what you decide

TimLovesMelissa 09/01/2010

Well, I think I'm going to do it. Practice is only twice a week, for 6 weeks, so that is not too bad. Having to do a perfomance on my birthday will probably keep me out of trouble that night anyway!

The last play I actually completed was during the Spring of 2009. I got to play a main character (the hero) in a dinner theatre melodrama. Right before the last performace, I got violently sick backstage. The show must go on, and I somehow managed to get through it. While on stage, I was able to play a big, goofy, lovable hero. But as soon as I was off stage for a few minutes, it was off to the restroom to barf my guts out. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do, so I think I should be able to handle a grief wave (I hope).

Thanks everyone for weighing in!

pathoflife 09/01/2010

Another thing to consider is that you seem to have some wonderful friends who are part of the cast. The fact that they want you back, knowing what you are going through, makes me think they want to be part of your healing. They want to help and this is a great way--to include their friend in what has been memorable experiences for a long time. You are a lucky guy! TJ

Shrn 09/01/2010

I think you should do the play. To me, it sounds like you're worried that you'll have trouble with missing your wife You will miss her, but you're doing something that you enjoy and I can picture her sitting watching you. She'll be smiling and happy to see how good you're doing with your play. Sharon

deleted_user 09/01/2010

Go for it. Sounds like fun and a way to keep the "grief monster" at bay for a while. Keep us posted.

Mgould 09/01/2010

My first instinct would be to do it too. Sometimes I think people may be afraid they they can't handle it - but - if it is something you feel you need/want to do you can put your mind to it and do it. Since you've already done it, missing one night shouldn't hurt - and I think your family would feel better seeing you do something you like to do.

Parmela 09/02/2010

I would definitely do it! I'm finding that activity and social contact is the most constructive and healing thing I can do for myself. It would be good for you and your children.

I would think it would be a very positive thing for them to see you pick up the threads of your life and move forward. I would think it would help them to do the same thing.

Sounds like acting has been a part of your life and to resume the activity would bring a degree of "normalcy" to their lives as well.

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