People are so asinine! there--I said it.

It is hard to tell the difference between people who mean well, but are ignorant, and those who are just that stupid!

I'm sure it's struck you that most people have little patience for the grieving. They allow you about 6 weeks, then they expect you to be your old self again. Trouble is, your "old self" is gone and will never come back. This is one of many things people don't understand.

I can't tell you how much more I appreciate a person who says "I'm so sorry; I don't know what to say." or "I can't imagine what you're going through."

I've also had comments that you just wouldn't believe. I really feel that Americans as a culture, don't have an appreciation for death and grieving. I had many people just stay away and I still haven't heard from them. When Marti was diagnosed, her two closest sisters didn't visit four over 4 months. My wife even commented, do they think I'll be hideous or something. Everyone hang in, I guess. I have a strange feeling that the jaw-dropping comments are just beginning for me.

Hi jerseydebbie, The very same thing keeps happening to me too. I lost my husband last July, and am just beginning to get my sense of humor back, spend time with family and friends, etc.
I'v noticed that most of the comments that you are describing, are coming from people who don't know me as well. My favorite is "Are you dating yet?" Honestly, I was married for almost 25 years, I'm 58, and have a pretty young spirit. But I can't imagine dating. I still feel married eventhough he's not here! Just let it roll off your back. I try to.

I have learned to just be gracious, people don't know what to say, they mean well, but often say the wrong thing. I wonder how many time I have put my foot in my mouth before I went through this myself .I just didn't know any better.
Hang in there, Sabine

My husband died on 12/5/08. A lady asked me on 1/1/09 if I had "found a new man yet"!? My first piece of "advice" was from a widower. He said "You're gonna have to learn to lie when people ask how you're doing. People don't want to listen to all that crying." My husband had been dead for two days. I won't bore you with the other ridiculous comments and advice I have received. Trust me when I say that over 8 months, they have been varied and they have been many.

This particular subject gets me very "worked up". I think that if you let people get away with saying things like this, then they will believe it is alright to say it, and it will not stop. I tell people when they are rude. I tell people when they hurt my feelings. I set boundaries because I have to protect my heart. No one else is going to do it for me. I wish that this was something we didn't have to deal with because we already have so much. But, I guess it is just yet another of the "issues" that we face.

Hugs...Jen

Over the course of 21 months I think I've had just about every possible insensitive thing said to me. From the usual "It was God's will/God's plan" - as if God enjoyed ripping my heart in two and devastating my children, um, not my understanding of a Loving God; to "You've lost so much weight - what diet are you on?"; to "I know you need your space right now" - when all I had was space and emptiness; to the insensitive jokes received by e-mail - the one entitled "Why Women Live Longer Than Men" really set me off; etc., etc., etc. I learned a long time ago that disasters will show you who the real heroes are in your life. When my personal disaster happened of losing Cliff, it was an eye-opener, that's for sure. I cut a lot of people loose from my life. I also appreciated those who were sensitive enough and came forward to help and comfort. I found out who my true heroes are. Love and Hugs, Martha

Just wanted to say that I also got criticized for acting "normal". My husband died on Dec. 5, 2008 and I sent out Christmas cards a few days later. A clergyman criticized me for sending out cards so "soon". The fact is, I had most of the cards all written out at Thanksgiving because that is what I usually do, so when Stan died about a week later it made sense to me go ahead and send out the cards with a little note about his passing. No matter what you do, or don't do, be prepared for somebody to criticize - be prepared to ignore it! lauraby

Yes, I've heard a lot of insensitive comments in the last two years. It just reminds me how alone I am with my grief. That's one of the things I like about this site, it helps with the loneliness.
I am alone with my loss, my children have a completely different sort of loss.
Anyway, although it's difficult, try to remove yourself from the ppl that continue to comment & don't hesitate to comment on insensitive comments. I start the sentence with..."If you ever address someone in the future, you might want to..." -->fill in the ending (with STFU?...lol!). Think of it as giving them some insight, hm?
Take care all,
AJ

Oh, AJ, you had me laughing out loud - Love it!! Hugs, Marsha

Hello everyone, I have heard a lot of comments from people myself. Some were so ridiculous that they would have made me laugh at any other point in my life. But I agree with Sabine in that what I'm going through now has made me realise how useless I was before at trying to give people comfort. Before I lost my husband, I was simply clueless...

Jen-- you are so right, but I have enjoyed everyone's postings also. I just had a 80 something husband of my friend get into a discussion with me yesterday, while he was being fueled by his martinis. He couldn't understand why an attractive, 53 year old woman, who could get any man she wanted, would choose not to. I told him that I didn't think it was necessary just because I had lost my partner of 31+ years. I was doing fine by myself and it was not a necessity for me to heal, and have a peaceful, enjoyable, fulfilling life. I get really annoyed that I just can't be left alone. They don't know how I feel inside, and that's the only thing I have going for me is to follow my feelings in order to gain strength and heal. My husband was so precious, I hold him close to my heart, and I wear my rings for I am still married to him. I am not wasting away, but doing the best I can and what I want to. Sometimes I just want to scream!

I've heard the ridiculous comments also and tryed to give people the benefit of maybe they mean well. You're right, it does get very frustrating after a while. I don't seem to get the comments any more or maybe I'm not listening either. I also try to discourage the remarks by saying things like the only good thing about being widowed is my time is my own. (Of course, I would trade all that freedom for a day with Don) but it shuts them up. Sharon

I too have been bemused and disappointed with many inane and senseless comments and self-imposed distancing, people are generally hopeless with situations such as ours unless they've experienced something similar themselves.
I think the hardest ones to deal with are the comments or neglect from close friends and or relatives who really should know my sons and I better.
I recall a film starring Anthony Hopkins, Shadowlands, about C.S.Lewis, where he gives a speech ending with his theory of how God chips away to achieve perfection in us but how there is so much pain with each chip, the story of the film is also relative to us when his wife contracts cancer.
Well I, like most of you have had quite a few chips taken out of me but feel a darn site less than perfect, (in my eyes anyway) however, with every chunk taken, naivety has been removed and wisdom/experience has taken its place, every stupid comment, every moment of neglect and every nasty thing that's happened to me can only go towards preparing me for whatever life can throw my way, as my former next door neighbour said to me when quoting her 'dear old mum'.....'what doesn't break you, will make you'.

All theories I suppose but they can make sense to those of us who know, although however not so much those who have observed, in some cases, from afar.
I doubt this has helped much Debbie but I do hope it goes towards you feeling a little less alone, take care...A

It's been four and a half months since my husband died. I've heard it all. Then I remember back before I lost him and I was always saying all the wrong things trying to "help" someone feel better. I'm afraid I was the worst of the worst when it came to saying stupid things at the wrong time. When someone says something that is painful or insensitive, I think of myself when I was clueless, always talking too much, never saying the right things. I always wanted to say something so people would know I cared and wanted them to feel better. Nothing anyone can say will lessen the pain, but you know others understand that it hurts when they simply say, "I'm sorry."

-Diana

I guess we have all been clueless at one point or another, but I try to always be diplomatic when offering support to someone else.

The insensitive comments have come from men in lieu of women. Naturally men have a different viewpoint about topics than we women do. A layperson at our church told me to step back and take a good look of where this advice is coming from, then consider the source and forget it.

Guess what? She is right. I have to listen to me like I always have, and like I need to from now one. No one can take away my feelings about anything, for they are mine and what is best for me.

Hard lesson to learn and still learning.