I was very sensitive to this at the beginning. Over time I realized that dsome people just don't know how to comfort you or what to say. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Shirley

Yes, I have heard some really "good" ones too from well intentioned people who just don't know what to say because they have not been there. I think the thing that offended me most at first was the people who just ignored my loss - changed the subject, and refused to talk about my husband, as if he never existed now that he's gone. I don't expect a lot, but a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" would be nice. These people are not cruel - just ignorant! laurabp

Hi,
As I have said, I truly cannot get over these people who ask how I am "getting along" with my "new life". It's been only 6 months, for God's sake, I don't have a "new life" yet and maybe never will.
I agree that we probably do need to accept that they really don't know what to say to us, but also as you said, "They would have to walk in our shoes" to really know how we feel.
I never put a time limit on my grieving and if I grieve forever, isn't that my own business??
My love to you always....Mo

To Mo and All--

Thanks for your experiences. No, there is no time limit on grief and yes, it is OUR business. Anything that I do with my life is my business, as well as yours. And you are made to feel like you can't have it. That you have to have a new life created in the mind image of someone else.

I hold my husband precious to my heart, and not to be trod on. If I could enjoy the rest of my life in the company of my good friends, and eventually rejoin my husband in heaven, it would be a life well worth spent.

I have a friend say, that she hopes "this doesn't take too long". At first, I was angry at her insensitivity but after thinking about it, all she wants is to have her friend back like it was before Danny died. What she fails to understand is that woman is gone and someone new has to evolve. I have to rethink my entire life now and find out who I am. So don't be harsh with people, some just don't have a clue as to how they are coming across. Diann

Hi again,
Your last statement was beautiful and exactly how I feel!
Thank you, thank you for that!!
Love to you, Mo

Dear Diann--

It is difficult for people to comprehend that you are not going to be the same person anymore. My friends accept me for who and what I am. They know the difficult road my husband and I travelled during his illness, and they knew the relationship we had together for 38 years.

They are also suffering his loss just as much as I am. My husband had a huge impact on people, and you don't really see it until that person is gone. No, none of us are going to be the same again. Different, but not the same.

I think the people around us are suffering from their own grief but it is not as intent as it is in our shoes. My husbands family seems to be moving on saying....he wouldn;t want us to be so sad. And they all seem to be moving on. I am at a standstill sometimes. It has been 10 months and I feel like it was last week sometimes. The worst was my mom. She found one of my husband sweaters one day while I was outside and put it on. I almost died when I seen her wearing it and asked her to take it off. Her comment was "Well, he aint gonna need it no more"! People can be very insensitive! Its worse when its the people closest to you.

All the time when he first died. Even my sister in law whom I love dearly said those things! Either people quit saying them or I quit listening.

I started to ask them to close their eyes and imagine their life without their spouse. It's the only way they get it.

It doesn't matter your age, or the amount of years you have been together, what matters is how you loved and lived together. My friend received a letter from hospice that says "You grieve as deeply as you loved". How true.

Debbie - I really didn't get too many (thank G-d) comments - I think the wall I put up prevented a lot of them. Note: the wall is for DGI's, there's no wall for those who do get it, and to know who they are, I just have to look into their eyes. Please don't let these comments get to you, I know it's hard. Come here and vent about it instead. Like Shirley said, we're very sensitive to any comments in the beginning - now I see that people just didn't know what to say, so sometimes they said things that sting us, but they're unaware of how it affects us. I must say, though, that I was tempted many times to say to my friends, take the number of times you've referred to your husband in the past hour, and delete all of it - and see how you feel. Hugs, Marsha

A comment to me just today exactly 2 weeks since my husband died came from my sis in law who said," you may have only been together 5 years but you achieved alot in that time so that should help." Erm, no it doesnt actually but thanks for eminding me of everything I have lost.
Hugs to you.

I know what you mean. Just today I got an e-mail from a friend who invited me for burgers saying it "would just be the 3 of us." I know she meant well but there were always 4 of us before. It is so hard to adjust. Even my own sister said "it will get easier." How does she know ? She was divorced for years before her former husband died. I just wish people would not say anything. Plus the sympathy cards are the worst. I got to the point where I did not even read them anymore.

Yes, I really wish people would not saying anything either. We know how we feel inside. No one else does. Everyday in some respect is a challenge. All I know is that I love my husband and I miss him.

I tell "well-meaning" people to close their eyes and imagine their life without their spouse. That's when they get it.

Debbie:
Some people just don't know how to talk to us and want to help but instead they say the wrong things. Your husband just died in May therefore they need to understand that you are still grieving and the pain is still fresh. I lost my husband in July and I don't even want to go to the store only if it is necessary because it reminds me of him when I go. After my husband funeral we had friends and family come over to my house and during that time my sister was busy telling and inviting people to go camping with her the following week how cruel and insensitive of her. Shortly after her camping trip she and my mom went to Vegas for a week and asked me to come along because my husband was going to on that trip with them. Do they think that I want to go to Vegas? I miss my husband and the last thing I want is to have fun. Other ask how am I getting along or if everything is okey. No it is not I just lost my husband. The best one was from my sister in law that saw me crying and said an now why is Linda crying. My daughter looked at her and said excuse me she just lost my dad her husband and she has the right to cry and scream if it helps her. People are cruel and I don't want to call them ignorant but that is what it is. I am starting to just build a barrier and stay away from them. I think that only the person who has been through this can understand us and help us. Just ignore them and do what is in the best interest for yourself. Hugs Linda