Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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honey94 08/12/2014

So many thoughts and questions running through my head. I think I wanna know the answers, but then I'm not sure if I can handle it. I know they say He won't put more on you than you can bear, but I am getting so tired of people saying I am doing good considering the circumstances. A lot of people say they don't see how I can be up and moving around I am holding it together better than they would. But you know I have no choice in the matter. Unfortunately, I did not have an insurance policy on my fiance when he passed. So you know what that means? The bills are still coming. Me and my daughter still have to eat, I still have to provide for her. After he passed so much was put on my shoulders that I didn't get a chance to sit around and be sad I had to make sure things were done and done right! My fiance helped a lot of people from his family, to friends. If he had it he helped. Everyone came up to me during the days after and was I'm going to help you, I'll give you my number and if you need anything call. Yea, none of that happened. I had maybe 2 people to give me numbers. Of course, I am very thankful that although he was much help in our household I never really depended on him so I can make things happen for us.

I do believe his sister and mom are not doing as good as I am because now that he is gone I am finding out he was helping them more than I thought he was. So although they say they are going to give me money every month to help, I know they are struggling worse than I am right now. Whereas, if they didn't have they did what they wanted and then looked to him to make up the difference for them. Now he not here to do that. It's hard for people to help me and mine when you were getting a bulk of your help from him. But all in all I am tired of being strong. I want to just be sad. I don't want to wear this mask any longer. Thanks for listening

handg 08/12/2014

So sorry you are having to go through this. People just don`t get that you are moving a foot at a time, doing what needs to be done because you don`t have the luxury of falling apart and do nothing. Things need to be done and you can`t bring him back. Many have said they would help that if I needed anything just to call. We were not people to call on others for help prior to him passing so it is not as simple as picking up the phone and calling. It is hard to ask for help especially when you are usually the giver. Hang in there , your life will never be the same but it will be what you make it to be. XOXO

honey94 08/12/2014

Thanks! That is my situation too...we never asked for help we always just trusted and knew it would work out but we were the ones people could call on and now he is not here. Like it's in me to do what I have to do, although I wasn't expecting help I thought with him being gone it would be different.

deleted_user 08/12/2014

You are the one that YOU can count on. Take care of you, get good rest, and take care of business as you always did.

The promises of a better tomorrow are just that "promises" not guarantees. If it's important to you, you will make it happen.

I send you love.

Roz

honey94 08/12/2014

Thanks Roz!!! You are right if anybody is going to make it happen it is going to me!! I am going to make sure me and my daughter have everything we need and more!! I am learning that it is ok to be weak. If I need to break down I can and that is ok. Thanks for you words of encouragement. Love you

jerseydebbie 08/13/2014

I'm very sorry that in addition to your loss, you have so much to deal with.

I thought I had to be strong too, but losing my husband took everything out of me; my independence, confidence, strength, etc. Sometimes we believe we have to be strong to meet everyone elses' expectations. Please don't do that to yourself. People say stupid things. Most of the time they don't realize it, especially if they have not lost a spouse. They don't have a clue.

I believe we all have fallen victim to the call me, I will help. Besides my family, and with everything my husband had done for others (selfless to a fault), I had exactly four in our circle of friends, in addition to our next door neighbors. This bothered me for a long time, but I finally said what goes around, comes around. Where will I be when they need help? I believe you can answer that one.

honey94 08/13/2014

Yes you are so right. I am still holding up my end doing what others ask of me, mainly people in his family but they are not doing what they said they would. I even have a legal issue needing solved and because his sis is scared they will come after her for back taxes he owes she will not sign off on the paper for the settlement to be paid out to his daughter. I am so over everything but still trying to hold up my head. BTW he did not owe any back taxes, I believe she won't sign off on it because the money won't go to them. But I know in the end things will work out for us. Thanks so much for your support.

michaelbmanning 08/13/2014

Sadly, no one can count on anyone when tragedy strikes. You can not depend on people in general to say the right thing to comfort you and you can not count on even the best of so-called friends to give you a helping hand. What you can and must do is to make your own way and not worry about what others are not doing. We pretty much all go through this with the death of a spouse. Intentions may have been well meant when said but that is as far as it goes.

Consider changing careers to help you out on the financial end. As for being strong, it is a matter of survival. You have a child to support and live for. Being strong is a way to succeed and without strength, we crumble.

Maggie

honey94 08/14/2014

Thanks Maggie. You are absolutely right. I am going to stay where I am for awhile because it is a pretty laid back office. I am doing pretty good financially I just have to reevaluate to make sure I stay that way. I never really depend on people and I hope no one is expecting me to ask for help because I have never done that. I guess it is just a process for everyone. I am not holding anything against anybody I know all in all everyone means well in what they say so you know it is what it is. We all will do what we have to do. Thanks for your support hun.

RichnMe 08/14/2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I hear what you're saying. I can't even believe the times I heard "you are so strong" "you have been a rock". What choice did I have - watching the love of my life struggling for life in that hospital bed. Yeah I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry - but I knew I "had" to be strong - for him! I, like you, don't want to be strong anymore. I wish there was someone here just to take care of everything - so that I could curl up in that ball - - but that's not gonna happen. We always took care of ourselves - never asked for anything from anyone - we stood together and fell together. I got my strength from him and now that strength is gone! Hugs to you - I hope we will all feel better some day.

honey94 08/14/2014

Thank you so much. I hope we all feel better too. But Lord knows I just wish we all could really get that chance to just curl in a ball and be weak! I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke this morning and said I am not wearing my strong face for the next couple days. That is what I told people and they said it's about time you need to be weak and sad you are entitled to that. So I am just being weak right now and smiling if I have a meeting or something but I do not want to be strong right now. I need to cry and need someone to lean on, but as we all know he was my somebody to lean on when I was weak and now I don't have that anymore.

rebl3157 08/14/2014

I know what your saying, I lost my husband in an accident on July 1st. Instead of people giving their numbers to us, they should be calling and dropping by to check and see if we need anything. I am like you, I am not calling and asking anyone for anything. You should be able to collect social security for your daughter it will help a little. M son took me in because I could no longer pay the rent, and they repossessed his car, which was our only vehicle. He did have life insurance but I am still waiting for it. I am praying for you and your little girl, hang in there we are all here for you.

honey94 08/14/2014

Oh im so sorry to hear that. I hope they don't take too much longer with his life insurance. I am very thankful that when we were house looking we found something that i would be able to afford if he wasn't here. I just wish this hadn't happened. Prayers to you love.

deleted_user 08/14/2014

I am so sorry you are hurting and worried and burdened this way. I understand completely about those who tell you they will be there for you, or to call them if you need something and then they either don't follow through or, like myself, if you do reach out no one is there. I didn't make that mistake twice, I never asked for help again so I'm trying to figure things out on my own, household things I can't fix, etc.

I'm so sorry I have children too and it is so hard to have a "mask" on as you said and it's exhausting, infuriating. I understand, there are days when you have to take the mask off and be in your grief let it out so you can continue. You have to take care of yourself, do the things you know you should do for yourself...going to bed earlier, picking your battles, letting some things go. I found that making lists and then putting things into categories "what's important" and "what can wait"....it helped me so much and it didn't take long. Take a pad and pen with you to bed, prop up yourself with pillows in the quiet and think. Just think about them. Take comfort in knowing that we have all faced those kinds of things, I do it all the time, you're not alone, we all understand and feel your pain. I am so sorry.
You know, it's times like these when I desperately wish we were all in a room together talking and visiting and hugging and crying together. Sometimes I picture that in my head.
Much love and hugs to you
Cindy

honey94 08/15/2014

Thanks Cindy. I wish we were all in a room together too. I really am glad to have found this website it makes it so much easier to go own when you can talk to that is going through what you are going through. I dud just recently get a notepad so i am going to try writing down what needs to be done. I also am glad i did just take my mask off. Yesterday and today was much better when i wasn't trying so hard to be strong.

Sara59 08/15/2014

A lot of promises were made to me too. I was scared and didn't know what was going to happen next when people made them, made me feel a little less anxious then. Well none followed through with anything and I did just fine. Everything worked out somehow. I don't ask for anything either, the one time I did, everyone was either too busy or not at home. That's the way it is. I used to feel guilty because I didn't promise to help like everyone else did, I actually believed people went around doing what they said they were going to do and that I was awful and selfish for knowing I might not be able to help.

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