After nine months it still happens and probably will for awhile. It's emotions that get me. If I try and stuff them down they come out in anger or frustration with others around when there is anyone around.
So when needed I let them run their course. The hurt is still there and I have accepted at this point that it always will be. So I have begun to learn how to live with it.
My life has to go on somehow. I am at square one in regards to a personal life. Plans I had with Linda for retirement and the future have all been obliterated. So it's like a blank palate. When I focus upon my faith and knowledge that Lyn is in paradise and it's where I will be and everyone else someday, then there are times it's actually exciting to find out what God has planned for me. Maybe with someone else or not I just don't know what's coming.
I mean what choice do I have ?? She isn't coming back here, ever.

Take care, Peace, Tim

Tim57 that is true what you say, and the anger phase I went through it and it has passed. Now its a new phase I suppose. There are time when I just need to write in here and hear others too. I know I have no choice either in what has happened. I used to say that to myself quite a bit. Now getting close to 2 years without my husband it's making a different impact on me. MY feelings of loss have changed yet again.
But, My faith is getting on track again. I feel better about that too.
Anyway, I am sorry for your loss. I know how death changes our future and the plans no matter how simple they were.
I wish you luck and peace of heart .
I know it's hard believe me. No one knows my heart like I do, except for God, my Christ and my beloved Don. I just keep hoping he hears me and sees me because I talk to him an awful lot.
And God, well, I talk to him too. The Grand shoulder to lean on....you take care too Tim.

Yes I feel the same way my husband transcended on 4/03/16 and he suffered a stroke 2012 and he was up and down in his health the last couple of weeks nothing was good he was hurting from something all the time.I could tell he was ready to leave he needed peace and I cant be mad at him for going a different path I will see him again.

because it's not necessarily "getting easier", after 21 months now, is the main reason I joined DS. We hear it will in time, and psychologically we think it should diminish - may even sometimes tell ourselves it has - but I think that's just a function of the way we process time, and measure from memory and event to event.

It's like, if my partner's loss and absence could be represented by a big colorful beach ball and that ball is now floating in an Olympic sized pool/vat of time - yes, it may be a little while before I catch up to it now - unlike when his death occurred and this weird assed ball was stuffed into the bucket of grief that was my face(!) where it was all I could see ALLOF THE TIME!!! Now that big, colorful ball still exists - it still looks the same, maybe a little bleached by the sun, but it still represents the same thing - may indeed be even a little sadder cuz it's bleached by that sun - and it;s still floating free - to be mine for as long as I stay in this pool.

would have been nice to have a different analogy - like perhaps a big ice cube! - not finding that though - at least not today.

so, agreeing with Tim, and what we all ultimately come to know if we are to survive (and I do believe that is our nature and how we may be guided from above) we have to supplant the space/ thought we find ourselves immersed in with something else other than the focus off loss alone.

for me in my big pool, I cannot JUST hang on to this ball (oh I will - and I do) - but I ultimately know I shouldn't just do so - i have to swim free sometimes - roll over and float on my back - gaze up at the stars - splash in anger at clothed people deckside. I will come upon my ball of pain again. It will hold the same memory, the same feel in my hands and space in my gaze.

It's 5 years for me last March
I was angry for a long time. Not at Ken but at our medical system and Doctors who failed him then thought what a waste of energy. It won't change a thing my Ken will never come back in this life to me.
This is my new normal life for better words which I have accepted more or less.
I only allow one week to dwell on the events of his passing and that is the week up to his passing March 12. Then I smile knowing he is at peace and no longer in pain.
I try to only think of our good times in 38 years we had together . To keep rehashing in my mind just drives me further into my depression and I won't allow it.
Cry oh ya drop of a hate a song the grands and great-grands talking of him even looking at his picture wishing him a good morning and good night. It was something we did from day one and I still do daily just miss his arms around me and the kiss.












My new motto for my life I live by is.
What I can not change I will not stress over .
It has help me live a happy new life.
I'm still Ken's wife always will be no one can or will take that drom me even though I'm classified WIDOW.
I only allow myself once a year to dwell on the week up to his passing and its that week. Come the 12th of

I feel this way too and it's only been close to 9 weeks. I have times when I look at pictures of us in our 20s and smile because I can remember the fun/love/happiness. Then in an instant, I see his face and the pain from his illness and how worried he was to leave me and how scared I was for him to leave. In that instant, I instantly try and reach into my faith and think of him in Heaven, waiting for me, and enjoying time with his brother who passed 16 years before him. Tears come, but when I start to talk to him and tell him I miss him and love him, I start to feel better.

Always Sue

Thanks for telling your own experiences. I know it will last a lifetime.
I lost my father already 23 years ago and still miss him and shed tears missing my dear dad. And mom, she's gone 12 years and I feel the same for her.
I of course have happy memories of them and can smile and laugh as I remember, but I still miss them so much.
My husband was the love of my life. Just saying these words make me choke up. As much as the pain is so real for me, he suffered so much more than I, with cancer, twice.
I told my hubby that I would do it all again for him, take care of him, do all I did to help him during those years of cancer treatment and hospitals, chemo, radiation, cancer spreading to his brain (that was for me inconsolable) but he beat it and then 11 years later - cancer again. So many couples split up during cancer. The mood swings of cancer patients due to heavy meds and incredible pain the patients must deal with physically and emotionally. It's tough being a caregiver. But for him I would do it again. I told my Don, "you cannot ever lose me". As I didn't want to lose him.
But I will continue to work on it. Try and try again.
I know you all feel the loss and some feel bitterness and guilt.
It's all on that road to life adjustment without your loved one.
I know it deep inside, getting there is a different story.

Take care and thanks.

Hi MrsLfromTX

It was 9 months yesterday for me.

My emotions are still on the wild roller coaster with numerous
twists and turns when I least expect them.
\
I am only at 9 months ( contrary to many in this site that are
into years ). But I serious doubt I shall ever recover to the
point I am happy again. I just don't see it.

Something that is really bugging me is the fact I told my wife
a year or so ago that my only desire was for " peace of mind "
due to numerous family and business problems. I really
thought I was carrying the weight of the world o my shoulders
when I said that to her.

I look back and have fully realized I had peace of mind with
her. That tends to make me angry at myself at times. I had
it all. I had a beautiful wife with whom I was deeply in love
( still am ), a wife that loved me unconditionally, three grown
and healthy children and six healthy grandchildren. I had /
have a business that is moderately successful. I truly had it
all. I look back and I was on top of the world and didn't know
it. I didn't see it until after I lost her.

Yes, my mind is my enemy at times. I know that I cannot
change one tiny thing from the past. That produces a great
degree of aggravation toward myself as I now feel as
though I squandered so much time with nonsense when I
truly had everything.

I still have my three grown children and my grandchildren
and I love them. I still have my business but my fire is gone
as my wife motivated me. She inspired me to do things I
frequently thought were impossible. She had confidence in
me and supported anything and everything I wanted to do.

Now I view almost everything with hesitation. I have always
made decisions with confidence and that is particularly the
case after I met her 30+ years ago. These days I hesitate
to make any decisions on anything. The passion either no
longer exists or it is now buried deeply somewhere inside
me in a hidden cavern. The same with creativity.It seems
to no longer exists.

For so many years, I would try something in business and
I was like an excited child wanting to exhibit some type of
accomplishment and I couldn't wait to show my wife. Now
I do things because I have to do things. It is expected of
me. But there is no one to tell. She is not there to offer
advice or congratulations. I feel like I am back where I
started 30+ years go but I am tired and worn down and
filled with pain. I had it all. That does make my mind my
enemy at times.

Blessings -

Darrell from TX

At five years now, I think processing is the variable and we all do it at different speeds. It took me about two years to process everything to gain some perspective. Enough perspective that I could see when the grief waves would come and ride them gently instead of getting pulled under.

We all have faced the fact that control of our lives is an illusion. It can all change in the blink of an eye, but I think that I have processed that as well and it no longer distresses me. I dance on the edge of the volcano and enjoy my time with those I love as best I can. Be patient and give yourself the gift of time and perspective.

Hugs,
Val

Totatly relate Mrs. L. It is over two years that my husband passed. I have gained more confidence in handling house, yard, car, finances, but somehow still feel vulnerable. Might be easier for me if family lived nearby, but my local connections are girlfriends. Some married, but now have made many widow friends the past two years. All that aside, I still feel an emptiness without the love of my life. Guess that feeling will take a long time to heal. I knew from day one this will be a hard journey so joined support groups. My focus is to keep healthy so I can stay independent and in my home. Does anyone have a concern if they get ill, who would take care of them? Yes, Mrs. L our mind can be our enemy...

I've been feeling that way as well, although I'm not as far in as you are. I have days when I'm feeling more in control, more positive, more hopeful. And then it all comes crashing down and I feel like I'm back to day one. This pain is endless and I feel like I run back through all of the stages of grief, over and over. My mind is definitely my enemy. I think too much. Thinking too much really hurts at times. But I don't want to forget either. :( What do we do?