I was here a lot for the first year or two after my wife was killed on a car wreck. I drifted away as many do when the time is right for them. The five year anniversary was Feb 3, and I have been meaning to share a few things I picked up over these years.

First, I would like to say that even though no one could have convinced me at the start, my life became bearable, then mostly sad, then sometimes sad, and finally mostly ok, usually happy, with occasional short tearful moments triggered by whatever. I have remarried to another survivor and we are doing well.

One thing I learned is to be there for others who have had a loss. I had a couple of friends who lost their spouses before I did who made it a point to visit me, ask me out for supper about every week for the first year and in general share experiences and feelings. I feel very guilty that I was not any help for them when they were hurting, but as we all know, you don't appreciate what they are going through until it happens to you. Now I make it a point to keep in touch with friends who have a loss and offer whatever I can in the way of help. I have one friend I ask to go out to eat regularly, just like others did for me. I know what it is like to go through this, and I want to be a better person because of it.

Another thing that helped me heal was the distinction between unique and special. Each of us suffering a loss is unique. Our pain is different, our situations are different, our coping is different, our recovery is different, it is unique to us. Each of us suffering a loss is not special. Suffering the loss loved ones is a curse of being human. My guess is that for every bad thing that has ever happened to me there are thousands who have endured worse. So whenever I felt like having a pity party for myself, I kept reminding myself that I had a  terrible situation for me, but I was not special. 

So, for you short timers, I am proof that it is possible to go from hopeless and complete emptiness to a life that is about 80-90 percent of what it was before the accident. After that first year and some months that seemed to go on forever, time has passed too quickly, I can't believe it has been 5 years. That last 10- 20 percent is that little hole in my heart that will be there as long as I am alive.