Just when I think I am getting better here comes the monsoon. I look at our pictures I hung of us and smile remembering good things but then i feel how much I miss my Don and it's a terrible feeling again. The tears start flowing and I just can't get past why he had to suffer so much. He beat one of the worst cancers in 2004 only to get a different form of it in 2013. And all of his suffering in between those years and his suffering as a child who lost his father at a very young age, why, why why WHY all the suffering???
Don was a good man and he told me he wanted to always remember that no matter what he loved me very much.
I feel so sad and upset that he suffered so much pain, physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. Why would a man with a good heart have to go through so much??
When my hubby died i lay beside him waiting on the Hospice RN to come to pronounce him deceased. Then the Sheriff report, then after about a total of 4 hours the Mortuary personnel came to take him. My poor baby was so hot sweating profusely on his forehead and head , the cancer was burning him up. He had a temperature of 103.9. He remained warm the entire time I was beside him, now able to hug him without hurting his chest and back where the cancer was and had killed him.
CANCER..takes a healthy human and it's only goal is to kill its host.
I despise cancer.
And my husband was a hardworking retired military man. Smart and creative, loving and affectionate, funny and witty, kind with wonderful manners. That's what made me fall in love with him.
28 years together. Now i have probably another 20 years without him to face. It's unbearable at times. It just hurts my soul.
But i am working on it. I stay busy but when I am not, my thoughts are of my husband. Just last week was 6 months. And some people think I'm okay just because when i talk to them I am not crying I suppose.
But I'm not totally okay.
Last night woke me with terrible thunder storms and lightening and those storm always frighten me since the day i was near a tree and it was hit by lightening in our backyard.
I would get next to my husband who always made me feel safe. This time of course i could not do it. We were very close.
Well i hope that those of you who have meltdowns as I do and i try to control them by the way...I hope peace to your hearts because the pain can be too much at times.
My loving husbands hard working hands now put to rest.
Well i look forward to visiting some friends soon and have some time for something to feel good about again. I am grateful for all of my years with my hubby, i just thought we'd spend our golden years together.
Now it will have to be in my dreams.
I am never going through this with someone else ever again. This broken heart will mend but it will have many scars and i intend to spend my life on my own from now on and see my family and friends as often as I can.
To all of you, I understand your pain too. I wish you better days ahead as well.