You took the words right out of my mouth, I couldn't have said it any better. Oh how life has changed, and I don't like it one little bit. No it wasn't at all perfect while he was here but now that he's gone I think it could have been, if I had tried harder. I expected too much and not thankful for what I did have. If only we had another chance to do it over, how different it would be.

I am ok,..... I guess, nothing fits here either, and I still have no purpose. Will it ever be good again? I don't know.

I agree with you. My husband and I would always say we may not be perfect, but we were perfect for each other.

I really get what your saying about life just not fitting now. We were always an us and now there is me without my foundation.
I can get up and take care of things but im just going through the motions based on habit.

WOW Nicker07 and nowjustme you both said what I have not been able to put to words. I am alone with no clean plans, no reason for being here that is meaningful. I am just living each day until I die. With Ray here we had a future, plans and a purpose, really not much different then I have now but each day was bright, an adventure not "just get through it". Ray had my back and I his, if an issuse or problem arose "we" handled it or leaned on each other to get through it.

So no I don't like my new life one bit, my old life wasn't perfect but it was shared imperfection. And I too expected too much and wasn't thankful for what I did have. I now realize how much Ray spoiled me, gave me and was here for me. I cry because I wish I had another chanch to do over maybe even just the last 6 months and let Ray know how very impertant he was to me. He always said he just wanted to be a good husband, I would have really let him know that he was. I wish I had the chanch to be a better wife and I hope he's in heaven and knows just how much I did love him and how much he meant to me. I fear he didn't know that when he was here on earth.

I totally understand what you are saying and for a while I just drifted but.... Maybe because I grew up with two strange dichotomies; my father whose philosophy was life is a battle sharpen your claymore, and my Baba whose philosophy was enjoy every second you never know how long you have, my new plan became to fight grief and enjoy each minute I could on this earth. Not a complex plan or one that required a lot of strategic thinking but it has worked for me. While I still miss my husband, I have found a new imperfect, Not one I would have chosen, but one I have carved out. Hope that makes some sense.

I believe they know how we felt and how we feel now. Lets try not to beat ourselves up, we can't change a thing. Maybe it was suppose to be just like it was.
I know its hard but lets try to get it together and move on. That's what they would have wanted for us.

Morning ladies,
Feeling frazzled this morning. Didnt sleep well and had dreams about hubby. I awoke to once again realize he is not there beside me. I dont know how I am going to get through this.
Fellow is coming in an hour to take some more of his train stuff. I am so horribly sad and lonely.....
So much to do that is all messed up with the cars and my folks house..he would have been right here with me working through all the rough spots. I dont understand why I always end up alone....

Me & my wife were also "perfect for one another." The rest of the world didn't really matter that much. It's highly unlikely that I will ever find someone else that was "perfect" for me. I can't imagine anyone coming close.

Perfectly said Nicker.....I too am Ok...When I look back I don't see us sitting there and planning a perfect life...future....just 2 people that started out as kids....made mistakes ..learned how to forgive each other...learned how to take care of each other grew our family together..the list goes on and on....one of the biggest tho to me was we learned how to use each others strength to diminish our weakness. None of this was planned especially him coming in my life the way he did and leaving it as well. I am still growing...changing and learning....one moment at a time..on my desktop I have the saying.."Dont wait for the perfect moment..take the moment and make it perfect. (my own take tho has my own version of perfection and its something I will never hit because if I did I would be done..if that makes any sense IDK but it does to the imperfect me )

I thoroughly enjoyed all your comments; it is how I feel also and I do believe they know how we are feeling. When I would get angry, I would tell Al that I wasn't mad at him but mad at the cancer. He'd say "I know that". Then I would tell him I loved him and he would say "But I love you more." Our marriage wasn't perfect either - is any marriage perfect - no, but I think we all had a closeness, comfort, friendship and love with our spouses and now we are empty. I hope things get better.

Diamorrow - my husband also had lots of trains. He had an indoor layout and a garden railroad outside. I am trying to figure out how to sell these things. Any advice? You can email me at lrcarlson60@yahoo.com

Great topic. My heart still havng a very difficult time letting go and coming to a place of acceptance. The world seemed so much easier to navigate before his death. No matter what happened, there was someone special to share all the hardships of life with. You are so right Nicker07, they had our back always. Just going through the motions does not seem much of a life... before my husband died, he said to take care of the girls... So my purpose now and his legacy is to assure that our granddaughters will always be provided for and well educated.

Wow, you just put all my thoughts into words. Perfect way to desribe how I feel. I miss having someone to watch my back or just quietly sit there while I complain or try to figure something out. Alone is very imperfect for me. Not a good way to spend life No reason or purpose that I can find other than pure misery daily. No we ere far from perfect but we were truly perfect for each other and my life direction was always us too. No direction fits now. But go on we mush through the fog, rain, storms, breaks in the clouds and waves of grief that sometimes threaten to do us in. Good wishes to all in this storm of life.

Our relationship was far from perfect but we made it work for 38 yrs. When one of us was down the other was there for support. Like you say we had each other's back. I was the worrier. Miss my hubby saying "Stop worrying things will work out."

We were starting to make plans for our retirement days. Future plans gone in a instant. Just doesn't seem right.

Alone is not a good fit for me either. There are days when I can't wait for bedtime so I can just get the day over.

It's a beautiful spring day. Snow is gone and the sky is blue but for no particular reason I'm more sad today than usual.

This journey is tough.

Hugs to all.

You're making total sense, Nicker. This is something I thought to expect, but I didn't, not really. I've gone down the path of "me" for a long time now. Some of it has been pretty damn good. But - although I've accepted it, I didn't want it. Joe and I were the most perfectly imperfect couple. And even if I'm doing ok, I still feel that void, that emptiness. Some days, most days. I can integrate it, others? Oy. So, yeah, I get it. Marsha

You make total sense. The moving forward continues but the feeling of completeness just isnt there. I get it. The new life is a pale version of what we had.