I remember not long after my husband passed, I was sitting at my computer (which is in the back of my house) Knowing he was just in the next room as always, when it dawned on me...I'm alone! He's not just in the other room now. Such a chilling feeling. Since then I don't feel that way as much, but I still try to image he's in there.

Yes, there are many unhappy couples, but actually there were times those of us here were also part of that group. Now that we are alone we cherish and think happy thoughts of times past. Life was not perfect but somehow we have made it that way now.
We all had our dreams & plans but we all had hard times too. I choose to remain in my happy bubble for now since I can't change the past.
Hugs,
JoAnn

nowjustme; Yes any marriage has it's up and downs. I wish the ones who still have their partner could know what we feel after loosing ours. I want to tell my sons to embrace each moment good or bad. Now I think of times Ray bugged me or I got angry with him, wish I could have those moments back and know what I know now.. I NOW charish every moment good and/or bad.

I agree with you Ramar -- while no marriage or relationship is perfect, I believe that the grieving widow/widower population who find this site are here because they are feeling the tremendous loss of someone they loved very very much. I know that when a person you love is gone, there are no new memories to make, you only have the old ones. And our minds can certainly be selective when choosing what to remember. But all in all, I'm so grateful that while my husband was alive we were so clear with each other that we loved and appreciated each other every day that we had together. We of course had struggles and sadness and upsets, but we had a marriage in which loyalty, fidelity, love, support and understanding were the constant values we lived. It is so wonderful that that was our life together and I am so thankful for it.

Towards the end of Morey's life he was so angry, not just at me but at life in general. It was easier to just avoid him. I would go off to work without a "goodbye" some days because I wanted to avoid confrontation. His illness [not that I was aware how ill he was] had made him a very different man, not the man I knew and, we wouldn't let me in to his world anymore! It wasn't his fault or mine...we just didn't know!!!!

He didn't want to go anywhere, see anyone or do anything! If only I knew how sick he was and how much he was suffering. As the doctor said to me, "this has been going on for a very long time, he just hasn't shared it with you and he didn't know what was happening to him and didn't go for help!"

We were crazy about each other, at one time. I couldn't walk next to him without holding his hand and we NEVER said good night or good morning without saying I LOVE YOU!

It just became easier to avoid each other months before he passed. I was so busy at work. The kids would come over on the weekends and we'd get involved talking and joking and again, Morey and I would avoid each other. So, so sad!

I hadn't noticed until I look back at pictures that the children took how sad he looked, he had such a vacant look on his face......As the doctors said, he had suffered a series of small strokes that not even he was aware of.

Had I talked to him more, had I asked more questions, had I been more concerned......It was easier to go off to the bedroom, do some reading, go to work, walk the dogs, be with my friends, etc,, etc. to avoid each other until it was too late. And, then the doctors had tons of questions for me and I didn't have the answers. We had become such strangers to each other by the time he had become deathly ill......strangers in the same home, in the same bed.......How did happen. I was right there......and, it just happened. It's devastatingly sad.

Roz

rozmorey, your post hit home a little with me. Ray suffered something back last June, one day Ray the next a different person. He went to the Dr. we thought it was broncitis, was treated for it for over 5 months. Had to sleep on the couch so he could stay breathing. We drifted apart, many times I wanted to talk with him, ask him questions but didn't. He still did a lot of what he did before so I thought he was getting better but old age was setting in. He was a lot crabbier then before and I too avoided him when he was in his moods.

Found later her had a number of heart issues and the Heart Specialist told us he thought he suffered a mild heart attack back in June not broncits.

I regret not just coming out and talking about what was on my mid, find out what was on his mind how he really felt and just delt with his crabbiness.

The other day our son played me a message Ray left one day on his cell phone. It was Ray speaking but he sounded so weak, why didn't I pick up on that when he was alive..

Your post brought tears to my eyes remembering Ray the last 6 months and how I missed what I should have seen right in front of me.

Ramar, if you were in front of me I'd be hugging and holding you.

We lived in parallel worlds and I wonder how many other women and men with strong and stubborn partners live in this world with us?

I'm teary for you because I know how lonely and empty that world was when I realized I was losing my lover, my friend, my man!

You see, when we share our feelings we find likeminded folks and the realization that we are NOT alone!

Roz

To Roz & Ramar I too can empathize on dealing with a stubborn husband and wondering if I could have done more. The last six months of his life he was in and out of hospital with issues caused by his immuno suppressed system from cancer and chemo. He was always so stubborn about going that he was literally at deaths door a couple of times. I too often wonder if I'd pushed harder if things would have been different. If he could have been healthy enough for the last ditch treatment his dr offered but we never got to do. Like you I chose my battles. Escaped to work. I have to tell myself that I did what I thought best and it's only with hindsight that I would change anything. I also didn't see his decline until looking at pics after his death. When did he get so drawn? Don't know if this helps but you're not alone. Big hugs, Liz.

mclizm, I remember when the Hospital let me in to see Ray after he died, I stood there looking at him and wondered "when did you get so thin?" His broad shoulders, were narrowed, he had lifted weights up until he got ill 6 mo. earlier. He was really grey as well. When I was going through pictures to find a nice one for his Service, he looked so much heavier.. I think we miss what is really happening because we don't want to admit they really are not the same, the are ill and we are hoping they'll get better and be like they were, I know I did..We did our best and i am slowly accepting that.

Oh, ladies, can I relate to the 'stubborn' husband... mine was diagnosed with diabetes in his 30s, then with an unrelated kidney disease in his 40s... When he lost his job after our daughter was 4 months, he took on an 'eff-it' attitude (pardon the language), stopped taking his meds, stopped caring for himself. Bit by bit I lost the man I loved and married. His personality was so very different. He lost friends, his family got frustrated with him, and I was coping alone with supporting the family and raising our children.
It's been hard, coming to grips with that. Realizing that I was mourning the man I loved long before the man himself died, dealing with the anger for his part in it.
Now I just miss the dimwit!
I recall going to a widow's group here in the city, hearing the stories of those who lost their loved ones instantly due to heart attacks, strokes, and feeling envious, because as wrenching as their loss was, at least they were sure their husbands loved them right to their last breaths. I know Rob loved me, but he lost his way, and I wasn't sure that was true anymore when he died.
Sorry to be a Debbie-downer here... :'(

Hey Debbie-downer...alias Jacuzzi63
that's what is so wonderful about everyone here. We don't judge and all admit to having real lives but miss our special others when they left us.
Also I wonder what friends anad family think of me when I get tears in my eye when Ray is talked about. I am tired of hearing "Put my Big Girl pants on " comment..We listen and understand and we all have a bit of a different life experience but our ends are the same..sad for the loss of our loved one.

Ramar... last time someone told me to put my 'big girl pants on', I looked them straight in the eye and told them to find their compassion cape! No clue why I came up with that, but it had the desired effect. Until they've walked a mile in my pants (shoes, moccasins, etc!) they've no right to comment...

Oh! My! Ladies, this has become quite a discussion. We really dug deeply and came up with the most honest and heartfelt answers and stories that I've heard in a very long time! And, they really made me feel so part of a group of women who GET IT!!!! Made me tear-up but they were cleansing tears!!!!

We're real, we lived it, we exhausted ourselves trying to make it better for both our men, our families and ourselves. We are the heroine's of our own stories!!!!

When I was told to "put my big girl panties on", I wanted to scream.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Have YOU lived one minute in my life. Don't talk to me about my panties when I've been wearing overall's for the past few month's and years. Of course, I kept my mouth shut, with my lips pursed [in complete and utter disgust!]

The woman who said this to me was working on her third husband, living in a 4 thousand square foot home and driving her Mercedes around town. Not that I typically judge anyone by any of these things......it's just that she had lost all her credibility with me the moment she opened her veneered smattered mouth. I wanted to take her panties and pull them over her head assuming the position of the biggest wedgy she's ever seen!!!!

I feel so much better........Thank you, my friends, for sharing your lives with me and for being so honest with your feelings!

Roz

Geez, Roz, I don't know how you kept your cool... Just reading your story, I was tempted to wind up and smack the woman! You rock, girl!

Thank you for sharing an uplifting aspect to all of us who contribute to Daily Strength. Something positive to think about.

I'm sitting here thinking and reading more of these posts, something came to mind.

I recieved a Sympathy card from Ray's first wife. They were married, she 19 and he 21, lasted 2 yrs. She wrote me a nice note, said her 2nd ex husband had died 2 yrs. after they were divorced. At 61 she has outlived both of her husbands. Guess she was feeling lonely and decided to see what happened to Ray, found him, our address and that he had passed.

I wrote her back, told a little of our live, that we lived on a lake, semi retired for the past 11 yrs. and he fished all he wanted.

She answered me, said she was so glad that he got his dream. When they were married he often told her his dream was to someday live on a lake and be able to fish all he wanted. Funny the only pictures I have of him his whole life are him with a fish in his hand or on a boat fishing.

One thing that does bother me though. The last few years when we'd have words Ray would tell me that he never gets what he wants, I always get everything I wanted. Yes my dream from a really young age was to live on a farm with lots of critters...and yes I have that. Ray would never elaborate and tell me what he was missing in life. And yes I was angry at him when he spoke those words, so really didn't care. Now I really wonder what he meant. His exwifes' words that I gave him what he had always wanted made me happy, yet I now wonder what it is that I didn't give him to make him totally happy.

Odd what we think of and if time had allowed would like to change.