Hi; You may not like what I have to say about your situation, but here goes.. The family dynamic won't change. It's not you..it's anyone that comes into the life of this man that he may care about. The daughter obviously feels threatened and is vigorously defending her "turf". Since she has been taught to prevail, it's unlikely that you will have anything but anger and resentment directed at you. Ask yourself if you're willing to spend your life fighting this battle. It will most likely worsen as time goes on, and you will most likely be the "interloper" as long as you try to maintain the relationship. It's up to him to set boundaries, lovingly but firmly. It doesn't sound as though he's able to do that. She is forcing him to choose between her and any future love he may find. If you make demands, you'll become the "bad guy". If you don't, You'll be the "whipping boy". Sounds like you should step back and let him know that the situation with his daughter needs to be resolved before you can continue the relationship. It will hurt now, but not near as much as it will if you go ahead, marry him, and then regret it. Good luck. D

I have been reading your topics, and I hate to say this also, but "d", couldn't of said the words anybetter.
When my time comes, and when & if I remarry, I would make sure, that there are no issues with families.
His daughter has major issues, and I know you love him alot,
but I honestly agree with "d"... give him some space. Tell him, that he needs to sit down, and talk and get help for his daughter, and realize, that if he really loves you, he needs to break those ties.
he is a grown man, and he needs happeness also, just like you.
michelle

Sorry to hear about your situation but I also agree with both comments left to you. It has to come from him to his daughter not you. He has to be the dad and say this is the way I feel like it or not. Sorry if this upsets you but like they said better now than later.
Good luck
joanie

I have been keeping an eye on your topic and I see a few things that sit in with my relationship but not as bad. I am dating a widower of 4 years (dating for 3) and he has 2 children (daughter 29 and son 31)and I have 2 children (daughter 16 and son 25). The situations that I have endured were by the daughter whom is married and has a 2.5 year old son. At first I was very much accepted but as time goes on the daughter tries in little ways to alienate me but at the same time be nice to me. Her son does not know my name nor does she teach him how to say it. When it comes to birthday and christmas gifts for this little guy my boyfriend and I go together on buying but I do not get a thank you. At first I was hurt and angry that my boyfriend would not see this and also hurt that it was done. I did not say anything for the first while but now I have told him how I feel about things that are happening as he tells me about my daughter that had issues with us dating but as I work with her on this she has grown to accept and even have respect for my relationship. As for the 29 year old daughter I do not go out of my way for her and I will continue to do that until she shows respect for me. She may also have emotionally problems that may need to be treated - was this ever looked into?

I even had to endure, what was to me childish, from the late wife's mother as my boyfriend does holiday meals (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas)with this great grandmother - other than that he does not see her as she lives 2 hours away. At the first Thanksgiving meal she had out the obituary/picture of her daughter and the next holiday meal another picture of her daughter about my age and then again at another supper. As I rearrange my plans with my family that are also 2 hours away and my son 8 hours I felt that my feelings were not considered at all so I decided to decline from going there and go to my parents and son's - so I did not see the great grandmother for over a year. I believe that I had made a silent statement because this Thanskgiving I did accept the invitaiton and there was no pictures and the welcome from great grandmother was very warm and welcoming.

As individuals - we are not responsible for other people's actions. And I believe that by your fiance being there at all times for his daughter and trying to correct her actions is not helping - it is only do the opposite. Travelling 600 miles every week is great if it is working but it is not - maybe that should be something to think about not doing every week. As for the holiday plans you should have gone and the daughter told that if she is going to misbehave not to attend but by telling her that you are not coming due to her that is what she wanted and got.

Hugs

Gosh, it seem you have quite a decision to make, one that I don't envy you at all. Okay, I'm not dating anyone and my husband hasn't been gone as long as yours so I have absolutely no idea how it feels to go through something like this so I'm stepping out on a limb here opening my mouth.
This is not really advice, just an observation. I definitely understand why you would not want to subject your children to this daughter's possible outburst or drama on a holiday occasion that should be happy and filled with good times and NOT with her attitude. That part is perfectly clear.
The part of your post where you mention that this man travels 600 miles every week to go to counseling with his daughter I found to be quite extreme. For goodness sake, she is 21 years old and as you said she has it together and excels in every other area of her life. This is not normal behavior and I also don't think it has anything at all to do with her not being able to accept you, it has more to do with that she has made up her mind NOT to accept you and is doing everything in her power to pull her Daddy away from you and put him back where he belongs (according to her) - in her life and not yours.
I don't want to be rude but if he can't see that this is nothing more than pure and simple manipulation on her part then what is wrong with picture? You said it yourself - you are having second thoughts...PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF, pay attention to that little voice that is trying to save you from all of this. Until he stands up to his daughter and puts you first where you belong I don't see this working for you.
I realize you have 4 "amazing" years invested in this relationship but I'm wondering how you can describe your involvement with him as amazing if you've been going through this with his daughter through the entire 4 years. Was she ever accepting of you at any time during these years?
My only advice, if I had any to give, would be to proceed with caution...There is no way I would put up with being second choice to a 21 year old stepdaughter in my husband's life. I wish you lots of luck, you're going to need it all.

I noticed the same thing as Judi - 600 miles a week? His daughter's not in chemo or something for heaven's sake, she's being a brat! 'Manipulation' doesn't even begin to describe what's going on here. There is an individual decision and a joint decision to be made in this situation. The joint decision is whether or not you and your fiance are willing to fight for this relationship and take what losses may come as a result of it as well as the pluses. If he and you are not willing to stand your ground together now - then how will you face the future trials you would face as a couple? If for his part he is not willing to take that risk and make it plain that you are his new life, then the individual decision you will have to make is whether it is worth it to you to hide from this spoiled brat and show your own kids that you are willing to live that way - remember, at every age our children learn from our examples. There is an opportunity here for an important lesson to ALL of your children, but you and he must decide together to present it. Building a life together - as all of us on this board know too well - means facing all sorts of challenges together. What do you and he want your children to know from this experience? This is a tough one and I'm sorry you're going through it, and I hope you find your answers. Hugs.

Thank you everyone for your advise on my situation. All of you have spoken from your hearts and I appreciate the positive and negative comments....I know that if I walk out of my fiance's life tomorrow he will be alone for the rest of his life. I really don't know how many woman will tolerate his daughter...I have because I love him and he is worth it. Many of times I thought I wouldn't be able to find the strength to continue but love doesn't always come to us this way and if that seond chance comes knocking then you don't close the door. I have not let myself get to involved in telling him what he needs to do because 1- It's his daughter and I am not sure what is right or wrong 2- I know I will end up being the bad guy in the end..what I do tell him is that he is responsible for his own future..not her and he needs to make his own decisions about his life...It comes down to WHAT HE WANTS...he is afraid of her and he admitts this to me..CRAZY as it sounds but that is the control she has had over him. He says that she will disown him once we are married and has to only hope that once she is married she will see this diffently and not want him to be alone...she is 300 miles away and so is his son..she knows that if I was not in his life today then he would be alone now and she doesn't care about that so I don't think she will ever care. As far as the relationship her and I had over the past 4 years ( As one comment asked) we had a great relationship..I treated her like my own and we got along fine....until we got engaged...our problem began that day and has gone on now for almost a year. My fiance feels that she has never grieved her Moms death and that our engagement brought all that out..I do agree with him to a point and that was why I agreed that we should wait to set our wedding date and give her time to move ahead and heal but now I feel as if thats not the case because when I look at the big picure and I see how well she is with all the other areas in her life I question this..she has a 3.9 average..goes out partying always and is getting ready to go to Rome alone to study abroad for 3 months in JAnuary...maybe her happiness is just a cover up but I am pretty convinced that she doesn't want to lose the control she has always had over her Dad and that she is fighting with all her strength to keep him from marrying. My fiance keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to marry me...yesterday he told me that we would have been married a long ime ago if not for all this drama..he is trying everything he can to bring her around and make her see that this is what he wants but like some of you have said...it's not working and it is only getting worse. I don't have the heart to leave him..I love him and he is the sweetest most caring man I have ever known...I know that I will break his heart by ending this relationship or calling off the engagement and he doesn't need me to hurt him too ..I feel he needs me to help him build up his self esteem and stand up for himself and do what he wants with his own life. I am a big believer that once you turn 50 years old your life is completely yours..do what ever you want...go wher ever you want...live the remainder of your life for yourself..maybe that sounds selfish but I have dedicated the majority of my past years doing everything for others...I feel now that there is really know one who needs me that way....ITS MY TURN.

Sounds like to me this isn't anew behavior since her mother died, this is a learned attitude from little up.If she is used to getting her way it's not going to change anytime soon. She is selfish and self-centered and obviosly isn't interested in her fathers happiness. If he isn't going to make a stand to her on this huge leap into a future with you than it's not going to work. You also don't want him to feel he has to make a choice between the two of you...Good luck with what ever you decide to do..It's tough

CGR,

I WENT THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYS. MY 1ST WIFE, THIER MOTHER WAS DISTANT TO THEM. MY 2ND WIFE WAS ABUSIVE ( IFOUND OUT NEAR THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE, THAT'S WHY I DIVORCED HER). MY THIRD WIFE CINDY (MY LATE WIFE) TRIED AND TRIED, BUT THEY WERE VERY DISOBEDIENT AND DIRESPECTFUL TO HER. AFTER ALMOST A YEAR OF THIS, I TOOK THEM OUT, BY MYSELF WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE, AND TOLD THEM THAT IT HAD GONE FAR ENOUGH. I TOLD THEM I WAS SORRY FOR THE WAY THEY HAD BEEN TREATED BY MY OTHER WIVES AND ASKED THEM TO FORGIVE ME FOR ANYTHING THAT THEY FELT THAT I HAD DONE TO THEM BY NOT PROTECTING THEM. THEN I PROCEEDED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE DISRESPECT FOR MY WIFE WOULD STOP, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. I TOLD THEM THAT WHEN THEY DISRESPECTED HER, THEY DISRESPECTED ME. IT ENDED!!! THAT WAS '01,
WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY LAST MONTH THEY ALL CAME HOME TO BE HERE FOR ME. ONE LIVES 2 HOURS AWAY, ONE IN INDIANA,(HE FLEW HOME), AND TEH ONE THAT GAVE HER THE HARDEST TIME OF ALL WAS IN IRAQ @ THE TIME. THEY FLEW HIM HOME!!! @ HER MEMORIAL SERVICE, THEY ALL GOT UP AND SHARED WITH EVERYONE HOW SHE HAD LOVED THEM, AND WITH THAT LOVE, MADE THEM LOVE HER IN RETURN. IF YOU AND HE ARE TO HAVE ANY HAPPINESS, HE MUST SIT HER DOWN AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT, ALTHOUGH HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER, HE LOVES YOU TOO, AND IF SHE DISRESPECTS YOU SHE IS DISRESPETING HIM. IF HE DOESN'T, YOU BOTH WILL BE MOST MISERABLE. HOPE THIS HELPS, FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE.

Riplakish, Your comment brought me to tears....What a beautiful and inspiral story...thank you for sharing that with me. I love his daughter and she knows that...she doesn't want to share her dad with me and she is fighting him tooth and nail to stop it from happening....I have gone from being what I considered a dear freind to her to someone she has now convinced herelf that she hates...My fiance is taking the proper steps to protect me from her disrespect and I am thankful for that but she disrespects him so badly that it's easy for her now to treat me like she does. I want her to be apart of our life..I feel that she needs me and although I can never replace her mother I can be the womwn in her life that helps her in her future..I ahve been that women up until we got engaged. We are moving forward and we are getting married next year...our hope is that she will begin to accept me as her dads new wife and we can eventually put all this behind us...if she does't then she will probably move out of the house and disown both of us. We are willing to take our chances...look what happened with you..maybe that can happen for me too.