Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I RECENTLY EXPLAINED IN ANOTHER DISCUSSION A PROBLEM I WAS HAVING IN MARRYING A WIDOWER. HE IS WIDOWED 5 YEARS AND I AM WIDOWED 15...WE ARE BOTH 50. HIS DAUGHTER IS TOTALLY AGAINST US MARRYING AND IS AWAY IN COLLEGE..SHE IS 21. HE GOES TO THERAPY EVERY SATURDAY WITH HER..HE TRAVELS 600 MILES TO DO THIS EVERY WEEK WHICH I THINK IS GREAT. ALL HER LIFE HER DAD HAS SPOILED HER TO THE POINT WHERE I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY THE THINGS HE GIVES HER AND HOW SHE CONTROLED HIS LIFE. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING UNTIL WE BECAME ENGAGED BECAUSE WHEN HE DIDN'T DO THINGS HER WAY SHE WOULD CURSE HIM OUT LIFE A TRUCK DRIVER AND 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 HE WOULD GIVE IN TO HER. I COULDN'T LIVE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS AND EXPLAINED THIS TO HIM...HE PROMISED ME HE WOULD NOT ALLOW HER TO CONTINUE TO TREAT HIM THIS WAY. ONCE WE BECAME ENGAGED SHE WENT CRAZY..TOLD HIM SHE HATED HIM AND HOW DARE HIM DO THAT WITHOUT HER OKAY. WE HAVE BEEN ENGAGED FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW AND HAVE NOT YET SET THE DATE IN THE HOPES SHE WOULD COME AROUND. WE ARE LOOKING AT PLACES TO HOLD THE WEDDING AND HAVE A SOME WHAT DATE SET FOR MAY. I TOLD HIM THAT IT IS IMPORTANT THAT HIS DAUGHTER KNOWS THIS BECAUSE SHE WILL ONLY LASH OUT AT HIM LATER SO TELL HER IN FRONT OF THE CONSELOR SO THAT MAYBE SHE WILL LISTEN WITHOUT GOING CRAZY. HIS SISTER INVITED ME AND MY CHILDREN TO HER HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER...BOY WOULD I LOVE TO BE THERE BUT I WILL NOT EXPOSE MY CHILDREN TO HER ATTITUDE AND MAKE THERE HOLIDAY AKWARD...MY FIANCE WAS JUST FINE WITH MY DECISION AND EVEN TOLD HIS DAUGHTER THAT HIS SISTER INVITED US BUT KNOWING IT WOULD UPSET HER WE WOULD NOT BE COMING...THIS IS THE MAN THAT I AM PLANNING ON MARRYING IN LESS THAN A YEAR. I FEEL HE SHOULD INSIST THAT I BE A PART OF THIS DAY AND THAT SHE NEEDS TO ACCEPT THIS. I ALSO FEEL LIKE ONCE AGAIN HE IS GIVING IN TO HER...THE THANKSGIVING QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED TO MY FIANCE ON NUMEROUS TIMES BY HER BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE WERE NOT INCLUDED. HOW ARE WE EVER GOING TO PULL TWO FAMILIES TOGETHER IF WE CAN NOT EVEN PULLED OFF A THANKSGIVING. I AM STARTING TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD 4 AMAZING YEARS WITH HIM I NEED TO FEEL LIKE I BELONG. I AM HEART BROKEN AND ANGRY AND I AM ALSO WONDERING IF I AM OVER REACTING OR AM I RIGHT TO FEEL BETRAYED BY HIM. IN MY EYES SHE IS GROWN ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT DAD HAS A RIGHT TO MOVE ON. SHE EXCELLS IN EVERY OTHER AREA IN HER LIFE YET SHE TELLS HIM SHE IS FALLING APART OVER THIS RELATIONSHIP. CONSELING IS NOT HELPING AT ALL BECAUSE ALL SHE DOES IS TELL HIM WHAT A HORRIBLE DAD HE IS TO DO THIS TO HER AND THE CONSELOR DOES ALLOT OF LISTENING. I LOVE MY THREE CHLDREN MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD BUT THERE IS NO WAY THEY COULD STOP ME FROM MY FUTURE HAPPINESS AND I WOULD MAKE SURE THAT THEY WERE PUT IN THERE PLACE FOR TRYING SO HARD TO TAKE IT AWAY..THEY WOULD ALSO BE TOLD THAT THERE WAS NO WAY THEY COULD WIN BECAUSE I LOVE THIS MAN AND HE IS NOW MY FUTURE. ANY ADVISE WOULD BE APPRECIATED.
When my time comes, and when & if I remarry, I would make sure, that there are no issues with families.
His daughter has major issues, and I know you love him alot,
but I honestly agree with "d"... give him some space. Tell him, that he needs to sit down, and talk and get help for his daughter, and realize, that if he really loves you, he needs to break those ties.
he is a grown man, and he needs happeness also, just like you.
michelle
Good luck
joanie
I even had to endure, what was to me childish, from the late wife's mother as my boyfriend does holiday meals (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas)with this great grandmother - other than that he does not see her as she lives 2 hours away. At the first Thanksgiving meal she had out the obituary/picture of her daughter and the next holiday meal another picture of her daughter about my age and then again at another supper. As I rearrange my plans with my family that are also 2 hours away and my son 8 hours I felt that my feelings were not considered at all so I decided to decline from going there and go to my parents and son's - so I did not see the great grandmother for over a year. I believe that I had made a silent statement because this Thanskgiving I did accept the invitaiton and there was no pictures and the welcome from great grandmother was very warm and welcoming.
As individuals - we are not responsible for other people's actions. And I believe that by your fiance being there at all times for his daughter and trying to correct her actions is not helping - it is only do the opposite. Travelling 600 miles every week is great if it is working but it is not - maybe that should be something to think about not doing every week. As for the holiday plans you should have gone and the daughter told that if she is going to misbehave not to attend but by telling her that you are not coming due to her that is what she wanted and got.
Hugs
This is not really advice, just an observation. I definitely understand why you would not want to subject your children to this daughter's possible outburst or drama on a holiday occasion that should be happy and filled with good times and NOT with her attitude. That part is perfectly clear.
The part of your post where you mention that this man travels 600 miles every week to go to counseling with his daughter I found to be quite extreme. For goodness sake, she is 21 years old and as you said she has it together and excels in every other area of her life. This is not normal behavior and I also don't think it has anything at all to do with her not being able to accept you, it has more to do with that she has made up her mind NOT to accept you and is doing everything in her power to pull her Daddy away from you and put him back where he belongs (according to her) - in her life and not yours.
I don't want to be rude but if he can't see that this is nothing more than pure and simple manipulation on her part then what is wrong with picture? You said it yourself - you are having second thoughts...PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF, pay attention to that little voice that is trying to save you from all of this. Until he stands up to his daughter and puts you first where you belong I don't see this working for you.
I realize you have 4 "amazing" years invested in this relationship but I'm wondering how you can describe your involvement with him as amazing if you've been going through this with his daughter through the entire 4 years. Was she ever accepting of you at any time during these years?
My only advice, if I had any to give, would be to proceed with caution...There is no way I would put up with being second choice to a 21 year old stepdaughter in my husband's life. I wish you lots of luck, you're going to need it all.
I WENT THROUGH A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYS. MY 1ST WIFE, THIER MOTHER WAS DISTANT TO THEM. MY 2ND WIFE WAS ABUSIVE ( IFOUND OUT NEAR THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE, THAT'S WHY I DIVORCED HER). MY THIRD WIFE CINDY (MY LATE WIFE) TRIED AND TRIED, BUT THEY WERE VERY DISOBEDIENT AND DIRESPECTFUL TO HER. AFTER ALMOST A YEAR OF THIS, I TOOK THEM OUT, BY MYSELF WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE, AND TOLD THEM THAT IT HAD GONE FAR ENOUGH. I TOLD THEM I WAS SORRY FOR THE WAY THEY HAD BEEN TREATED BY MY OTHER WIVES AND ASKED THEM TO FORGIVE ME FOR ANYTHING THAT THEY FELT THAT I HAD DONE TO THEM BY NOT PROTECTING THEM. THEN I PROCEEDED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THE DISRESPECT FOR MY WIFE WOULD STOP, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. I TOLD THEM THAT WHEN THEY DISRESPECTED HER, THEY DISRESPECTED ME. IT ENDED!!! THAT WAS '01,
WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY LAST MONTH THEY ALL CAME HOME TO BE HERE FOR ME. ONE LIVES 2 HOURS AWAY, ONE IN INDIANA,(HE FLEW HOME), AND TEH ONE THAT GAVE HER THE HARDEST TIME OF ALL WAS IN IRAQ @ THE TIME. THEY FLEW HIM HOME!!! @ HER MEMORIAL SERVICE, THEY ALL GOT UP AND SHARED WITH EVERYONE HOW SHE HAD LOVED THEM, AND WITH THAT LOVE, MADE THEM LOVE HER IN RETURN. IF YOU AND HE ARE TO HAVE ANY HAPPINESS, HE MUST SIT HER DOWN AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT, ALTHOUGH HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER, HE LOVES YOU TOO, AND IF SHE DISRESPECTS YOU SHE IS DISRESPETING HIM. IF HE DOESN'T, YOU BOTH WILL BE MOST MISERABLE. HOPE THIS HELPS, FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE.