I completely, completely understand what you're talking about. At this point I am just very masterful at hiding my emotions from everyone and making them feel more comfortable because if I acted how I wanted to I'm sure my friends and family would disown me or just stop talking to me for a bit... I hate when people keep asking me what's wrong like I should be completely fine after 10 months and 5 days... No, I'm still not okay... I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I damn sure am not okay. -_-

I try to stay in conversation, and try to smile when people look at me. But its hard! I know it can't be fun to be around someone who has an uptight look on there face and keep zoning out! But that's why I stay home. Its still something I can't control. But I'm trying! I'm making the effort to be out of my comfort zone. All I'm asking is to not be questioned about being upset! When the answer is very obvious.
I feel even worse at the fact that I'm getting annoyed by everyone in my presence. But sometimes it just nice to be around somewho who will just sit with you, with out talking, and just be zoned out with you. Its not far to ask that of others though. So I don't. Life is just really hard and complicated right now!

Jess, I understand the pain completely. I am doing the same thing - trying to make family comfortable but still hurting deeply inside. I think to a large extent they know you are still sad and they care about you, but they can't come up with the right words. You have to stand up for yourself - no one can resolve or take away your grief, pain and confusion, and consequently no one can tell you how you should feel. It is what it is.

I also understand how you feel because I still feel the same way. It has only been 5 months since my husband died suddenly in his sleep and I try to act pretty "normal" at gatherings and around people and then I go home and cry. If you don't feel like talking...then don't . If you don't feel like smiling and laughing,..then don't. I do the best I can but it is certainly not our job to keep others happy... We are all with you on this journey and the most important thing now is to take care of you.. Hugs, Vicki

I said in another post that I was done with DS since they turned this format into a joke...but, Jess46, I have read the story surrounding your husband's illness in proximity with your wedding...one of the saddest stories I have ever heard, ripped my heart out...but I have to break my own rule here, because I can see from this post that you need this community, and we need you...and I want to be a part of it.
My Marylou left this life for the Spirit Realm June 12 of last year, so we say that I am rolling up on "13-months-out"...at less than 2 months out, you are a newbie, for lack of a better description...I remember what it was like at 2 months, and I felt the need to share with you some of the stuff Ive learned between then and now.
At 2 months, I was still in denial...not so much about Marylou leaving this life (I never use the words "death" or "died"...I refuse to believe in the concept)...I was more in denial of the change that had taken place in me...I still compared my situation with the loss of a parent or an uncle or a friend...it is devastating for a short time, but when you return to your regular life and it becomes more distant, you (soon) reach a point where the devastation wears off, and you are back to "normal" (another concept I refuse to believe in).
The difference is this...when you lose your spouse, in the beginning everyone is devastated with you...they hug you and say "sorry for your loss" and try to be as compassionate as they know how...but sooner or later (usually more sooner than later), when they have gone back to their regular lives, where everything, and everybody is right where it always was, that's when their devastation begins to wear off...it is not their fault, it just comes with the territory...but when they are doing that, you have to return to an empty house and a cold bed...where the other half of you is missing...and, when everybody's devastation is wearing off, yours is just beginning.
When two people commit their lives to one another, it is not just for "till death do you part", like the preachers like to blow into everybody's ear...it is a commitment of love, and contrary to what is taught in some churches, love does not end at what they are fond of calling "death"...this is one of the things that cannot be understood by anyone who has not lost a spouse, that "Love Never Dies."
At about 2-3 months out, I began to head-trip on the Idea that Marylou left me for the unknown by her own choice...it is very much as ridiculous as it sounds, and when I was feeling it I thought there was something wrong with me...until the following February, when I joined DS at 8-months-out, and I began to learn that I was not the only one to feel these things...it helped me to overcome those feelings, and replace that false-abandonment with a new and stronger love for the Spirit that Marylou is...and, always was!
There are other things that you will learn as time goes on...first and foremost, YOU are the one who is grieving YOUR loss...and nobody is paying you to be the social worker to heal everybody else's guilt...when you are grieving the loss of a spouse, you will experience "grief triggers", and they will sneak up on you, often...a certain song, the sound of rain on a roof, distant train horns, fireflies, sunsets, just about anything, at just about any time, will assault you with memories of once was...if you are tripping on one of those memories, and somebody asks you "what's wrong?", I think an appropriate answer would be "If you have to ask then maybe you don't need to know"...one thing for sure, that will separate those who really love and care for you, from those who were only pretending compassion to make themselves look good.
Then you will start learning about another subject that comes up in our discussions often...it's called "Grief rewrites your address book" (or contact list,now that DS is all new-and-improved)...bottom line, things have changed, and they are not going to un-change...but as long as you know that you are in the process of getting to know your husband in Spirit form, and that your love for each other is growing stronger than it ever could in the physical realm, nothing else matters...and if you hurt a few feelings along the way (by telling them the truth), you'll get over it.
We are community...we know where you are coming from, and we are always here to listen.
And that includes me, no matter how stupid they get with this "new-and-improved" format.

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive! Thank you for All the kind words you all speak! For The advice and suggest you have all given me! I also want to thank you all for tell your stories. And helping me to realize that I am Not alone, I am not going insane, and that my emotions are normal. I also want to give my deepest condolences to you all for your losses! It saddens Me to know that there are others feeling what I am feeling! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
I am thankful that you are all willing to share your story, even though it may feel like you are reliving the devastation. I Know telling the story of my Husband and I, is still difficult!! Maybe b.c it is still such a fresh wound.
But You are all truly helping me in ways I wouldn't have expected. I wasn't going to join any support groups but after reading other people's posts and the responses they were given, I felt oddly safe and comfortable voicing myself. You All show so much care, support and love to total stranger and it is extremely refreshing! I have felt more, at ease (Not sure if that's the word I'm looking for) speaking with all of you, as opposed to speaking with my "family and friends".
So thank you all once again, for making be feel confident enough to seek some guidance from you all. It feels good to be able to Vent and ask questions to those who will not judge me, make me feel week or selfish, or make me feel like I am on a time line to grieve and them More on.

Truly Grateful! ~ Jess

I had a total eclipse of the heart after my husband night...my family thinks I need Psychiatric care as they are doing so much better than me..they can't imagine being with someone for 36 years...

Hi Jess, my husband transitioned 2/5/13. I joined DS shortly after and found this was the only place where i could talk openly and when I didn't want to talk I could read others posts and still feel connected. Currently I am struggling with the new format of this site, not sure what it's like for someone new but I encourage you to keep coming back and sharing when you feel like it.

I can actually hear your heart racing as you write my dear, it is part of what our bodies do when the overwhelming reality sets in...And the strange thing is , it starts everyday all over again and you find yourself deep-breathing and moving into the next action regarding the way your mind and heart react!! It will be 4 mos the 24th of this month that my husband lost his battle with lung cancer. He was a brilliant laid back guy who absolutely loved this world and everything life handed him, but he did not know what to do with the news of his life ending, nor did we! Such a short life sentence to be handed. We found out last May 2015 and he passed March 24th, 2016, 10 short, priceless, loving, overwhelming months!!! And as you said, you are so busy taking care of them and being strong for them and your family that there is just no time to dwell on anything else, until that is all you think about when they are gone!!! Give yourself permission to say what you need to say and when and do what is best for you and your kids....speak when your want or don't! And cry when you have that desire...you have to let it go!!! Bless you and your very precious children as you come to terms with what your journey is, and it is just that "it belongs to you"....

Have a read at this:
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/catherine-tidd-lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-w

Hi Jess, like eighty8, I tell myself I'm in a snit about this new & improved site and am not going to visit as often - but then Shelda sends a hug out of the blue (which I really needed - thank you, Shelda) and I see eighty8 has left another great & caring reply (thank you eighty 8) and I too see that YOU need us as much as we need you. Wish I could report better news to you - and at best perhaps it is that we're all different & will make our journeys at different paces - some more quickly than others - but my own dear partner will have been graduated to the other side in 2 years at the beginning of next month; this morning when I opened my eyes, I wanted to close them again absolutely forever & for several hours thought I might again be going mad with grief. Guess what I'm trying to say is that, even now, though dealing with life without John gets more familiar - even now I have moments of utter despair and loneliness that take me right back to incomprehension. Jess, ike anything in life, you have every right to process this grief at your own pace and in your own mind, depths of your soul, and in relation to the reality you live with. Like anything in life, you draw your own boundaries when it comes to people telling/ pushing you to conform to what they think should be the way. Having said that though, we can't just assume people are just intentionally rude, unthinking or impatient - like eighty 8 says, often they just get caught up processing their own reality too and lose track of yours, and like raininseattle reminds us, sometimes people just can't come up with the right words - the stranger the issue they're dealing with - the more likely that will be so. Hang in there, woman! We will all get through this somehow. nanne

Jess -

I am now approaching 11 months since I lost my wife. I totally understand withdrawing as I am doing the same thing. Everyone knows my story and they either don't know what to say or simply don't want to talk about it. That's OK. I have managed to make several friends in DSWW as they fully understand what I am going through and vice versa. No BS or pretending. Virtually everyone here understands all you are saying and we are with you.

You are in my prayers.

Darrell