Hello, Steve . . .

I'd like to try to answer the question "What kind of person have I become?"

You've become a person who is deeply grieving, and your reactions to people and situations around you are definitely not what they would be had you not experienced such a profound loss. Things that wouldn't even have registered a response before are so irritating now.

In various posts here on DS, I've heard these reactions called different things: waves, roller coasters, etc. No matter what we call these times of extreme emotion, they are painfully unpredictable ... and so foreign to us that they fill us with despair.

But, Steve, I assure you that it will even out. I cannot give you a time frame as everyone is different, but don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime. The great guy that is Steve is still there, and he will reappear gradually. As that happens, stick with us here on DS. We're all walking together every step of the way.

Wishing you peace . . .

PS: Don't feel bad about disliking Robin Roberts. She's a tough cookie, and I'm sure she'd understand!

It's not that you have become a different person, it's that there is a painful memory that is triggered at the sight of this person or the sound of the song. And that's ok. We all have something that triggers that pain for us. For a long time I couldn't be around happy couples, even my own sister and her bf. I hated seeing happy couples. It made me angry and sad because it wasnt fair. That got better with time. It still makes me sad when I see couples as happy as we were, but I don't get angry about it anymore.
Give it time. :-)

It's okay to channel your emotions. I found it almost a relief to have anger. It was a change from sadness. We feel a gamut of emotions going down this road. Do judge yourself to harshly.
Hugs, Sandi

You are Steve and you will discover that Steve is stronger and better than you realized. This knowledge won't come to you until you have gotten through the pain of loss and cried out your feelings.

Back when my husband passed, I interrupted tears as weakness. But They are the building of strength. As a person of strong faith I was disappointed in my frailty. I wonder if being "male" gives off the same expectations. You are in a turmoil of emotions and things that were hardly noticed trigger unexpected responses. It's normal and part of your grieving process to get through this ordeal. Sharon

God Bless you for posting this!!!!! There is NOTHING wrong with what you wrote, how you felt, any of it. BandiBlue has it right on. You're emotions are "unpredictable" my friend. You, all of us here, are in the aftermath of a traumatic loss. I have read up on what I'm about to tell you. Your brain actually changes...it CHANGES after something like this. Nothing will be the same, you won't be the same dear friend. You will emerge, slowly, but, different. That's ok, it's unavoidable. What might not have angered you, made you cry, what you might not have noticed prior to your loss is simply that because of your pain, the incredible need to expel it...and it's a process sometimes to find a healthy channel for your anger, or whatever emotion you struggle with.
I was sitting in SS class this morning, my loving SS class, we have been on a particular 8 week study and as always, I have enjoyed every moment. There is a lot of sharing in our room always, but especially with this study. I CRINGED when this particular couple began to share. I was ANGRY, so ANGRY I had to stare at my Bible and whether it was rude or not I didn't care. I read and tuned them out. I found them to be "Holier than thou" and I wanted to jump up and punch both of them in the neck. These folks have at one time made me think twice about what they were "testifying" about...I found a lot of "we dids" and "I dids" throughout, lessening the power of the Lord Jesus in their lives and giving them kudos rather than giving honor to the Lord. It's something I have given very little thought about before today. I saw them, together, sitting there, I thought about all the times they stood up and droned on and on and freakin on about their kids and how perfect they are, how WONDERFUL their lives are.......and I couldn't help but picture my Frankie, lying there, WITH COURAGE, dying with DIGNITY and loving Jesus and trusting in God and at peace ready to go to heaven, RICH in everything that's important to be RICH in. I was SO ANGRY!!! Why do THEY get to sit there on their soapbox of self-righteous indignation while I sit here, with no financial "portfolio".....oh Frank and I lost our 401K a year before he got cancer when he lost his job after 25 years due to the economy....with four little ones to raise, trusting in Jesus for everything and giving him honor and glory.....watching them revel in their "niceness"...I wanted to vomit. I MISSED my husband this morning and I wanted him there with me, I LOVED my husband, I was livid, furious and I wanted to scream at them...."I don't care how much money you have or what you have accomplished, you are the poorest man I know!!!!"
What kind of person am I? I love Jesus, what kind of evil must lie in wait inside me that I wanted to physically punch both of them???

Steve, I so understand how you feel. I was asking myself this morning what was wrong with me. My husband died 8 months ago of a heart attack. We both loved going to SS and church. How I loved sitting there with his arm around me. Now seeing all the other couples is just painful and some of the hymns just get to me. Some Sundays i have made it through OK but this morning was awful. I barely made it through without a total breakdown. A large church with about 1,500 people so I got out of there as quick as I could without speaking to anyone. Thank you for posting this and letting me know there are people that understand.

I had lots of irrational reactions to every thing I can think of. Cindy is right, it changes your brain, but afterwards, down the road a bit I expect you'll find the same nice guy you were before this happened.
We were probably always surrounded by the same number of morons and angels before our loss but grief sure brings them into sharp focus doesn't it? I have wanted to commit all kinds of mayhem on clueless people, and moments later I have wept over any little kindness. Feel free and entitled to be an emotional basket case until you feel better. Resistance is futile. ((())) Sue