Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I met with my therapist yesterday and she gave me some very helpful insights into what I was experiencing. First, I asked her why I had experienced weight loss, insecurities in accomplishing tasks I had done for years, etc. She said that with the death of a spouse, since we had become one through marriage, a part of me died with my husband. That makes the loss deeper and more profound than the other losses that we may experience.
Also, I was sharing with her a conflict that had occurred with my husband's family. She explained to me that when someone refuses to acknowledge the pain you are experiencing and tries to equate their loss with yours, it is because they are feeling guilt because they did not do more to help. I had been thinking about writing a letter to his family to try to explain things from my perspective and heal the breach but she said that his family would only twist something I said to use against me to hurt me once again. She said that I ought to remain silent and let my silence speak to their hearts.
I have found counseling to be very consoling. It is so wonderful to talk with someone who understands what you are going through and can explain why things happen and how to work through them. The burden of life seems lighter when someone is there to help guide you through it.
Also, I was sharing with her a conflict that had occurred with my husband's family. She explained to me that when someone refuses to acknowledge the pain you are experiencing and tries to equate their loss with yours, it is because they are feeling guilt because they did not do more to help. I had been thinking about writing a letter to his family to try to explain things from my perspective and heal the breach but she said that his family would only twist something I said to use against me to hurt me once again. She said that I ought to remain silent and let my silence speak to their hearts.
I have found counseling to be very consoling. It is so wonderful to talk with someone who understands what you are going through and can explain why things happen and how to work through them. The burden of life seems lighter when someone is there to help guide you through it.
When my husband first passed, I tried to reason with his family and it was a nightmare. I ended up very hurt simply because they were not grieving him the same way I was.
We sometimes forget that what our husband meant to us, is NOT what he meant to others. Indeed is a different kind of loss. The best decision I have ever made was to quit talking to them, quit trying to explain my feelings and just end that relationship and let them deal with their guilt.
I began to focus on my own self, doing griefshare therapy and just trying to make my husband proud every day. I know that this is exact what they would want from us. To stop wasting time with people that dont care for us and to do for ourselves what once was their duty: take care of us.
:)
Robert
Your words, Matthew, have so much wisdom and explain clearly the difference in the loss of a spouse. I agree, also, that we don't want to downplay anyone else's grief because it is real and painful. My struggle was with those who were using their grief as a reason to be uncharitable to me. That, IMO, was a total denial of my grief.
I have also decided that if a married person cannot understand the difference between the death of a spouse and that of another family member, I just need to feel sorry for their marriage. They truly do not have the oneness that is supposed to occur in that bond.
I have lost both my parents -- my mom when she was 59 and my dad years later when he was 79 -- and I grieved deeply for both of them. But losing Sam last September has brought a completely different grief to my heart. This grief truly IS profound and hits me anew so many times, so many ways.
There have been entire days when I simply felt robotic; I know I got through the day and did whatever I had to, but I was bereft of feeling and simply went through the motions of living.
But that old cliche is accurate here: we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We do learn to smile again, albeit maybe not quite as broadly as before.
I remain grateful to my friends here on the DS site. The burden of life DOES really seem lighter when others are carrying it with you!
Wishing you all peace ...
I lost all 4 grandparents before I reached age 20, my father shortly after that, and my mother more than a decade ago. And at this point, nearly all of my aunts and uncles have also passed, as well as several of my cousins. A few childhood friends too. Having experienced all this, I can say without question that nothing I ever felt after any of these losses compares to my excruciating pain after the death of my wife. None of them even came close.
About a year after I was widowed, I wrote a one page essay on another widow/widower website that tries to explain to the non-widowed around us the unique nature and true devastating extent of losing our spouse. It is called "Unique and Devastating Loss". Here is a link to it:
http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=903666
Last year, jewells1 reposted it here on DS:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/17500995-differences-thank-you-wifeless
--- WifeLess
As I reflected on this whole situation this weekend, I came to understand that if married people cannot see the difference between the death of a spouse and other losses, I should feel great compassion for them because obviously their marriage is not what it should be. One doesn't have to have a great marriage to see that the loss of a spouse is going to affect an individual much more than any other loss so these people must have very tenuous relationships in their marriages.