We all now belong to the club we called the Widows club, we didn't ask to be members but our membership was granted. We now are all in possesion of the Widows card. It is like those credit cards they send you in the mail you never applied for but this one you can't cut in half and throw away. At first I tried not to use it. I tried to pretend it wasn't in my purse just waiting to come out but it became harder and harder to ignore it. Finally I took it out and handed it to the pool guy my husband forgot to pay for several months. "Here you go, my husband died-give a break". The irony is he called to collect on the day of my husbands wake. He felt horrible and actually gave me a discount. That wasn't what I was looking for but it helped. I just wanted him to know I was in a fog, my world felt like it had ended and I knew I would be calling him because I didn't know how to turn on the timer. The same with the gardener, I didn't know how to set the sprinklers. Everytime I made a call I felt dumb like I should know how to do things in my home but my husband and I had an agreement, he took care of the outside and I took care of the house and kids. He never knew where to find anything in the supermarket or what setting to put the washing machine on and I didn't hold it against him.

In the beginning it was the worst, I remember one day I had to tell like 8 differnt people he had passed. I remember my son hearing me on the phone calling the credit card companies and telling me how he felt bad that I had to keep repeating myself. Eventually I put the card back in it's place and moved on with my life. Occasionally little things would come up but I could handle them better. That is till last week. I made the move people tell you not to do and made a major move. I bought a house in another town. The moment I put in the offer the card popped out again. I had to sign the papers and check the widows box under status, disclose my husbands pension as my income. All the paperwork list my husband as deceased. That threw me for a loop as I wanted everything to list me as it is my house. Then I had to have the barrage of handyman and painters come to give me a quote on fixing up my house. Many of them looking at me and wondering why can't I not fix the banister or paint a wall. So here the card comes out again. 

I hate being labeled. Why is that listed under status. I know many of you may hate this next statement but for me it is true. I don't feel married anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I feel unmarried, left. I guess that is why I was able to take my ring off right after the service. Why I need to move out of this house, where he died. I loved my husband and he is with me always but I need to move forward and not be surrounded by memories of him good or bad. I have his ashes, they will go with me where I go. He didn't want them spread, he wanted me to keep them as I also have his dad's. I will respect his wishes not only as his wife but as his best friend. People question my choices and my move and question my love for my husband. We were togather almost half my life and would still be if he hadn't died. I am still here and I have 3 sons to raise. I have to keep on living for them and myself. My husband knew me better then anyone else and I know he would understand my decsions and in the end that is all that matters.