Hi,

Nothing really comforts me yet. it's been 10 weeks.
I have to be careful because i have afood addiction I use food for all my emotions. Scott was helped me with this. even though he was abig man and eat whatever hewanted. he would say It's time to cut back u r porky up. I hated when he said that. now i would give anything to hear those words.
I am scared i will olose control and end up 500 lbs.
Please pray for me

kjb, I understand your feelings. You are so new into grief, it's understandable that you would reach for what comfort you can at this time. I will be praying for you that you can manage and not lose control. When you find yourself maybe close to the edge, come here and say whatever you feel. Get it out. Shout it out right here. We will support you. I know I have these same feelings. If I allowed myself to bring a half gallon of ice cream into my house, it would be hard for me to make it last even 2 days. So I don't bring quantities into the house. All I allow myself is little servings. I've found in the frozen section, ice cream, some ice cream on a stick by Cadbury chocolates. The ice cream can be vanilla, chocolate, or caramel, all covered with hard coated chocolate. Each serving is only 100 calories. That small ice cream is SO SO good, I can stop after eating just one. It's my treat that I look forward to every evening. I pray you will be able to figure out what works for you. Best wishes and please accept my sympathy in the passing of your husband. I feel your pain.

FYI: It is hard to find things to comfort you at first.

AND even later on there are those days comfort is not to be had. I think as you take baby steps forward you find things that comfort you.

Now at nearly 3 years my memories and incidents that we shared bring me comfort. Knowing he had a good life however short (68 yrs) and I got to be a part of it....

At times I go hug and ride my horse. I miss his horse too.

HUGS you need those comforting moments and things...it helps

I commend you on finding your own grief tools & taking care good of yourself . In your time frame, I though my body was a battering ram!
You are absolutely onto something in eating chocolate!
That someing is oxytocin; the good hormone/neurotransmitter ~
It is released when eating chocolate, bonding w/another person (or pet) & during orgasm ~
I'm going to try my best to explain a technique you may want to try ~
First I'm going to get wordy here, but please bear w/me as I provide some background to that will be helpful ~

In your other post you mentioned being busy w/your house, walking, yoga, gym & crying ~
Exercise flushes the system of cortisol & adrenalin (negative energy), both are toxic to the body ~
Crying, although natural, comes from the limibic system (the epi-center for emotions) it releases toxins from the body. Some people refuse to cry b/c they they think it is a sign of weakness; it is the first best thing a widow/er can do for themself, not other people. So never ever internalize grief, it makes a person physically & mentally ill ~
The brain has 2 modes, growth & survival ~
The shock from death called widow brain or the fog slams the brain into survival mode (reptilian), the neo cortex (gray wormy looking thing) stops working ~
This explains forgetfulness, confusion, dissociation (disconnection from one's surroundings including people), difficulty w/communication (verbal & written) diminished comprehension, attention span & motor skills like handwriting, driving, etc.
This can make a widow/er feel like a child once again trying to learn about life ~
Survival mode maintains the life of the person; it ensures the life of the person by making survival its main focus (one & only) ~
Survival mode uses every negative action or thought like a repitle to survive; anger, resentment, jealousy, envy, etc ~
To heal, the brain must be in growth mode ~
The fight is to get one's brain out of survival mode into growth mode ~
Cortisol & adrenaline must be flushed from the system first, this is where exercise & physical labor (gardening, yard work, spring cleaning) are a benefit; it clears the way for growth to take place, minor at first (babystep, nonethless, highly important ~

The instructions for the technique is very simple. It starts w/a memory of past happy experiences to recall the sensations; not feelings or emotions ~
Sensations are produced when the sense organs are stimulated to release oxytocin ~
The happens when bonding w/another person or pet, orgasm &/or eating chocolate ~
The body stores memories of everything, every good or bad experience ~
In using a good memory, the body can recall the sensations of a past event b/c the mind does not know the difference between a past experience & real time ~
As a side note, men generally think about sex every 10-`15 minutes, Women typically think of men as horn dogs due to their preoccupation w/sex. Thoughts of sex helps to release stress, engaging in sex rids the body of stress ~
Anyhooo, a good time to try the technicque after deposing of toxins (cortisol &/or adrenalin) to get to a relaxed state ~
Occasionlly, I would eat lots of chocolate or use vitamin B-12 sublinqual to wake my brain to help the process. It is not necessary, it can still be done w/out them ~
For women, one of the most powerful sensations comes when holding, seeing & breastfeeding their child for the first time; blissfulness. I used this one to start with ~

1.) Get yourself relaxed in a quiet place
2.) Think about a happy thought; block intrusive thoughts
3.) Mentally engage yourself in the thought - you may even want to do it physically by ringing your arms as if holding the baby, looking down at it, talking to it about all your hopes & dreams ~
The sensation of blissfulness will fill your body w/oxytocin ~
Tingly or dreamy or just a rush of good sensations

Please do not get discouraged if it doesn't work the first time or 5th time, it might just mean that you need to put it in your grief tool box till you have a achieved a higher state of relaxation before trying again ~

For everyone else, please do not beat up on yourself if you are not up to furthering your grief work. You have actually already begun by crying to release toxins ~
During this time you may want to prepare yourself for the hard work; set a goal (happiness, peacefulness, etc), try to exercise, get a massage, laugh or smile once a day, gather tools & skills for your grief tool box ~

Best wishes ~
____________________________________________________
I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too! But the possibilities are endless! ~me,me,me,me,me,me~

Sorry, I didn't quite have my thoughts organized so I forgot to mention~
Chocolate increases the rate of production of the neurotransmitter seratonin ~
Seratonin is an anti-depressant ~
Pure dark chocolate is the best for increasing the rate production of of seratonin ~

How about shopping & spending? It seems like I am hooked on that now, but it really doesn't comfort for very long.

I used to enjoy shopping, but since i am alone,and i have gone through my stuff, i have more stuff than i could ever use in a lifetime...i threw away 100 pr of socks, kept 100 pr.....lol.......lol..... now my comfort is saving all the money i can, and not spendig any money, unless have to...now that i am in complete control of my own money......

Very well put DotConnector. I still find it difficult to relax but I have noticed a real improvement in my concentration. Last night, I sat through a ballet I had not seen before and I did not disconnect once.

I do relate to the shopping experience Justmenow talks about. For the next 8 weeks after my husband died, I had a shopping frenzy: shoes, bags, clothes, perfumes, you name it, I bought it. Now, I always have been a serious shopper and my husband always looked upon it benignely but that was different. I have enough shoes, etc to see me to the end of my life and beyond.

After 8 weeks, I came back to my senses, realised (which I knew already) that all the shopping in the world will never compensate for his disparition. So I have stopped because it did not comfort me really, it was just a phase. I wonder what the next one will be.