Last week, my husbands lifetime friend called me and said, it was time for me to go on. To find a man....Yesterday, his double cousin, and her husband invited me to dinner to meet a widower friend. I am fine on my own. Am not lonely or desperate. I just don't know what to think...

Only those who walk this road can know so that is why we are here for each other xxxxx

Good examples of comments better left unsaid!

I'm so sorry for the way people have made these comments to you! It's totally unreal to me that people can be honestly so damn cruel! I'm blessed to have great support. But, at the same time they do not know the pain I'm going through. They've lost friends and parents. But, it's honestly not the same pain as a spouse!

My girlfriends do tease me that when the time is right they'll hook me up with someone. I know David would want me to have a companion at least. My one girlfriend said, nope, she'll never marry again, maybe find a boytoy LMAO! But, she knows my heart an soul will always be with David. I'm not one to live alone. I'm 46 and have only lived 6months on my own. Always, had roommates and was married once before that ended in divorce. But, finding someone else is the furthest thing from my mind. No one will ever be able to replace my husband and I can't, like you go through this pain again. I'm surprised after six weeks I'm still functioning. But, it's do to our friends and family that I keep going!

Hugs to you and please ignore those people and I'd just stay away from them. You don't need that kind of negativity right now. You need support of those that may not exactly know your pain but are truly their for you!

I know these inappropriate comments hurt, but I don't think they have a clue what we are going through. I sure didnt before it happened to me. I also believe that they are so uncomfortable with what has happened they are trying to help. They just don't know how or what to do. I'm sorry you are struggling with their words. Sharon

Thanks, everyone. I was really in need of venting this morning, after the final negative comment came through via email. I couldn't hit the delete key fast enough.

I need to remember that I *do* have some very supportive people in my life who are being more sensitive than this. I think because the negative comments are so hurtful, those are the ones that are playing over and over in my mind. Reading your comments reminded me that I should try to only focus on the words that are comforting me right now.

Shrn, I think you are right, that people are just basically clueless sometimes. And I think that people like us remind them of one of their greatest fears in life - that they, too, will lose a spouse and have to travel on this journey.

Patty, I am finding that you and I have some things in common as I read your posts. I am still in my forties as well, and had a marriage prior to this that ended in divorce. You're right - losing a spouse is different than losing a parent or friend, and although all of those scenarios are very painful, I do believe it is a different kind of pain.

Hugs to all of you. I will adjust my perspective on this with the support you've offered me. I'm so glad this community is here.

I agree that people just don't know what to say. During the first few months, an acquaintance at work would say the dumbest things showing she had no understanding at all as to what I was going through and how miserable I was without my husband. I had such a low tolerance and threw her out of my office one day when I had heard enough. She was so shocked and hurt, had no idea why I was upset with her. Of course, I apologized realizing that you truly have to live this nightmare to understand. Now, five years later, I am more tolerant knowing that people just don't know what to say.
Roxanne

Raniah, your second post has insight. Its safe to say that 100% of all marriages will end, and unless there is no love, there will be somebody left to deal with the fallout. People realize this and it makes some uncomfortable and prone to say awkward things when facing someone going through a loss.

sometimes I am tempted to pray for going deaf.
but fear I would learn to lip read too quickly :-/

Some things are a lot harder to hear than others. Raniah, your examples sound a bit on the extreme side. Kudos to you for opening up to gentler communication.

There really isn't any "right" thing to say, though. I got a hand squeeze once, with silence, and that, I could appreciate and accept without throwing up my guard.

My brother, learning of my lifetime love's passing, contemptuously and disgustedly snarled at me "were you put here to just suffer." Then he got the conversation back onto his own concerns. He's a narcissist, and so it seems my unhappy life is not adequately entertaining for him.

Thanks everyone. This experience has been a huge wake-up call with respect to setting boundaries with people.

Roxanne, I hope I will become more tolerant over time like you did. I keep reminding myself that we can't control what comes out of others' mouths, and hopefully someday I can better manage how I receive it. I know I still have at least one foot in the "numb" stage, and this is the beginning of my journey, so I appreciate knowing that there's hope for tolerance down the road.

Deb, I really do believe that most things boil down to either love or fear. I will try to focus more on those sharing love rather than those reacting in fear.

Pennies, yes, a hand squeeze is often better than words, especially if you're feeling raw (and that seems to be all I am feeling these days). Sorry about your brother. My father was a narcissist, and his words so often would be cruel and cut to the quick. It took me a lot of years (and some counseling) before I finally gave up hoping that he would love me the way I wanted. He just wasn't capable. Very sad. You seem like a really loving person from the messages we've exchanged. Thanks.

AfterMom, I can relate. This is a tough thing to get around. I hope eventually things will get better.

Raniah, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the day-to-day shock and sorrow you are going through.

Very rarely people who has not gone through this experience is able to come up with the right words to console. Surely possibility exists that some may not care enough or even are malicious, but most of them have simply chosen the wrong words, or only stated their way of dealing with a similar loss. As you know each loss is deeply personal, and only you will know how you should feel and act down the road.

Raniah:

Thanks and I agree we do have a common ground here. Our pain is so new and raw. People in our lives can be great and I'm fortunate to have my husbands family to help support me - when they could have just turned their backs as I've seen others do. Especially, since my family is 2600 miles away. Our friends have been great - even though one girlfriend has pulled back from me. But, then also I stayed with her for the first two weeks after David passed. Her own husband of 29years has been in a nursing home for the past three years and will never come home. We've all been waiting for that call. I think my situation has scared her to death. I know she loves me and she's there for me if I ask. But, at the same time I shouldn't have to ask. But, I do not hold it against her. I really wish this was an actual chat room set up so we could just talk back and forth more easier. Than posting and hoping someone chimes in. There are times when I could really use to talk to someone whose been through something similar but yet I haven't found a site like that. Hugs and remember those that are negative and not supportive you do need to cut from your life. You don't need the negativity and stress! I know I do not need that for sure!